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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

She should have had my back? Aibu?

88 replies

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 10:44

I had been good friends with a woman for 10 years,holiday together etc etc
When it was just me and her we got on great but when any of her other friends were out she would talk down to me and try and make me look stupid.
The last year she started being nasty to me,putting me down,commenting on my outfits and she seemed to hate me(I don't understand )
Anyway I'm bisexual and one of her friends is a lesbian.
We started chatting and started to like each other.
Anyway we got close and I think she felt jealous or threatened or whatever.

She did some awful things to me,told some horrible lies about me and put me through hell.
(I've posted before so if your annoyed at me posting again don't be nasty please ,I'm feeling upset enough )
She turned this girl against me who I was sleeping with.
She believed all her lies about me.
My friend of 10 years caused a massive scene to fall out with me as she couldn't stand me having anything to do with this girl.

After a year of seeing each other she cut me off but remained friends with my ex friend.
She knew all the nasty things she did,she knew she had it in for me,she knew she hated us being together and was sabotaging yet still remains friends.

The girl I was sleeping with hasn't got many friends now just my ex friend and two other girls.
So she was never going to have my back was she?
Why didn't she have my back?
Why was I discarded yet still pally pally with this horrible person who was out to destroy me?

OP posts:
Cloudfrost · 06/06/2021 18:16

I am gonna be blunt here since ur thoughts seems to be obsessing with the whys...

She didn't have your back because she didn't actually care or wanted to be with you.

It was an ego boost and power trip for her to have you dangling at her fingertips, she treated u like shit and u kept coming for more. You knew she liked sleeping around and yet u wanted to change her. If she wanted to be with you a, if she cared about u, she wouldn't do any of those things that she did.
You were just a warm body in a sea of available bodies. And when she got bored of your neediness and lack of boundaries (cause people who allow others to treat them like shit and go back for are needy for affection and/or have low self esteem), she dumped you.

With regards to your ex friend... Her meddling is irrelevant, if the ex gf had feelings for u she wouldn't entertain ex friends ideas. You were as bad as gf, since when ex friend spread lies about ex gf u believed and confronted ex gf. U didn't have ex gf back either. Ex friend was obviously a shit friend so she did u a favor by cutting you off.

Overall, everyone in this story is a shit friend and gf

They have moved on with their life's, do the same.
Raise your standards both for friendships and relationships. People will only get away with treating u like shit if you let them...

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 18:38

@Cloudfrost so basically I was at fault for continuing when I knew she had form of doing this to girls and wouldn't change.
When she told me I knew what she was like and she wouldn't change ..I should have walked way.
I know that's true ..I thought I could change her.
Even tho she told me other girls have thought they could change her too.
My fault for thinking I was different.

In all fairness she shouldn't have kept talking about us being a couple if she didn't want that.
That didn't help with my head.
She also shouldn't of kept meeting up with me.

It's crap how they can treat you bad and move on with no guilt.
And that's not even 1/10th of the ways she hurt me

OP posts:
sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 20:04

Thanks for everyone's advice anyway
I appreciate it

OP posts:
DeathStare · 06/06/2021 20:37

I remember your previous post - which was more specific.

The ex split up with you because she did not know who it was who was telling lies and wanted to be out of the middle of it. It had only ever been a casual relationship - although you felt it could turn more serious - and she had known her friend (your ex friend) longer than you and trusted her.

The more you posted the more it seemed that the bad- mouthing had (to some extent) been two-way, though you saw yours as honesty, as we assume did your exfriend. After the girl you had been seeing (I don't think she was referred to initially as an ex as you were clear that it had only been casual) - who I think you referred to as Beth - had decided she didnt want to see you anymore you have been obsessing about her and about trying to get her to see your ex friend is a liar and trying to get her to give you a good reason (one you would accept) why she didnt want to be with you and trying to change her mind.

The replies you got last time mainly said that you needed to leave Beth alone and stop fixating on her, that she didnt owe you an explanation you would accept to decide that she didnt want to be with you.

I'm not sure what anyone can add to that this time. I really think you need some help to move on from this and accept that she doesn't want to be with you.

Cloudfrost · 06/06/2021 20:38

Future faking is unfortunately a thing regardless of same sex or different sex relationships. You can't control how others act, you can only control your own behaviors and reactions.

You put up with her behavior and had sex with her, you made it easy for her to keep seeing you on her terms, all she had to do was throw some empty words about the future empty promises...

Unfortunately a lot of people behave like that in the dating world and lots of people fall in the trap(myself included). And it's very unfair, cause they can move on so easily because none of it meant anything to them.

Stop thinking about the whys of their behaviors, there isn't an answer that will satisfy you, give you closure. They are shit because they can get away with it, that's all. You need to think about you and why you put up with it all for so long. That's a why you can find an answer to, and the answer can help you build yourself up so that in the future you can walk away from people that treat you badly

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 20:49

@DeathStare I can't add specifics as it's too outing but my ex friend told some bad lies about me and involved the police into her sick little game.
Thankfully I was able to prove my innocence and the police wrote it off as malicious...
This is what she filled Beths head with.
She had Beth believing what she was saying.
She created fake texts from me (which I never sent ) and showed them to Beth.

She told Beth I had been banging on her door and threatening her (I hadn't been near her house)
I had arguing and I hate fighting
She portrayed me as this awful human being and Beth believed it as they had been friends for 6 years.

OP posts:
Cadent · 06/06/2021 20:53

OP, I felt stifled just reading your posts in this thread and the other.

I think you may benefit from some counselling as you’re coming across very intense.

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 21:04

@Cadent I'm assuming most people would be "intense" if someone who they were meant to be friends with reported them to the police with lies and the person you were sleeping with went along with it.
I struggle to be care free when something like that happens

OP posts:
DeathStare · 06/06/2021 22:46

OP you need to find a way to move on from this and to give up on the idea of being with "Beth". Your response is obsessive and it isn't going to help. Please think about counselling

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 22:48

@DeathStare how is my response "obsessive"
How is explaining what happened and trying to understand obsessive ?

OP posts:
fourminutestosavetheworld · 06/06/2021 22:59

[quote sunnyblueskys]@DeathStare how is my response "obsessive"
How is explaining what happened and trying to understand obsessive ?[/quote]
You blame your ex for making you jealous

You blame your ex friend for tricking you and making you behave jealously.

You agonise over why Beth has stopped contact with you but maintained contact with your mutual friend, and seem unwilling to accept that she's entitled to make those decisions without any necessity to explain herself to you.

You start several threads in order to discuss her over and over again.

You follow them both on sm even though it upsets you to see them interacting.

You say that even now, after everything, you still want to sit down with her and talk it through.

It is as if you cannot believe that she made these decisions, yet she did, and continuously wondering why she did, and rehashing it, and harbouring the belief that she'd see reason if only she'd sit down to talk with you, is indeed rather obsessive.

Leave them both alone. You are beginning to look like what they accused you of. Move on.

sunnyblueskys · 06/06/2021 23:12

@fourminutestosavetheworld no
1.I don't blame my "ex" for making me behave jealous ...my "ex" would send me pictures of other women and screenshots of other women asking her for sex along with the caption "don't get jealous" or "don't get mad ha ha"

2.my ex friend constantly tried to cause trouble as soon as she seen we were getting close and used my "ex's" previous abusive relationship to plant seeds of doubt in her mind.

3.yes I might be struggling to move past it but I literally feel so awful that someone could go to the police and make up the worst lies just to try and turn someone against you

If someone doesn't want to be with me because we aren't a match and not compatible then fair enough ...but when that person has had her head completely warped because of a so called friends jealousy it's shit

OP posts:
C0nstance · 07/06/2021 02:41

Wow, that is awful. Id be traumatise by that, a smear campaign that brought the police to your door. I dont think anybody would be "chill" about that. 💐

Block this lunatic and her disciples.

Zebraaa · 07/06/2021 02:51

You really need to move on. You’re in the exact same position since you last posted.

DeathStare · 07/06/2021 04:52

Please read the list from @fourminutestosavetheworld and try to take it in. Everything she said is spot on.

Plus:

  1. You have in subsequent posts elevated "Beth" from someone who you were messaging and sometimes sleeping with but who you only had something extremely casual with, to being you "ex". Over subsequent posts other details have also changed slightly/been ommitted to make it look like you and "Beth" were in a much more serious relationship than you portrayed in your first post and to omit things you had done that could have made "Beth" feel uncomfortable.
  1. If someone doesn't want to be with me because we aren't a match and not compatible then fair enough ...but when that person has had her head completely warped because of a so called friends jealousy it's shit No no no...... it's always shit when someone you like doesn't want to be with you, but they are entitled to do that for any reason they like, whether you think that's fair or not. They don't even have to give you a reason.
  1. You refuse to give "Beth" any freewill in your narrative if her thoughts differ from yours. When she liked you and was attracted to you that was all genuine to you. But when she thought you might be the jealous and controlling type that's all down to your friend. Could it be possible that when your exfriend said that to her it tallied with ways she had begun to experience you herself?
  1. Any time anyone tells you (on any of the threads you have started) that you are coming across as obsessive or that you need to stop dwelling on it or recommending you get some help you completely dismiss them. You only want advice/help/support if it fits your existing narrative.

I know this sounds harsh but you are coming across as obsessive, jealous and controlling. If you are coming across like that to strangers online AND your friend accused you of that AND someone you were involved with got out because she believed that of you, then maybe it's time to reflect and think maybe there's some truth there. Please get some help - no stalker ever thinks they are stalker, they often believe the other person would like them if it wasnt for some external factor.

DeathStare · 07/06/2021 05:02

Also just to add... you are posting these threads either using different names or getting old threads deleted. This looks like you don't want people to connect them and to realise how the details have changed.

Of course every post on here is one-sided, but when someone both refuses to accept alternate viewpoints and edits the story they tell so that the narrative looks more and more unfair towards them, removing an ability to link it previous (slightly more revealing) narratives, then that is rather controlling.

WitchWand · 07/06/2021 06:33

Wow ! @DeathStare ! You sound mean !
I'm wishing you well @sunnyblueskys . It sounds like you've been going through a really hard time. I hope you can find ways of taking extra special care of yourself now. To right the balance somehow.

DeathStare · 07/06/2021 06:49

@witchwand

I'm not usually mean, but this story has been posted several times over recent weeks with slowly changing details. Previous posts sounded very like the OP was basically stalking a woman who she had been briefly and casually involved with, and were full of requests for advice on how to convince the woman to change her mind. Subsequent posts have changed details as they have developed to make it sound more like a relationship, to leave out troubling aspects of the OP's behaviour and to present the other women's behaviour as more nasty/extreme - some of which directly contradicts with previous posts. She has been given lots of kindly advice on previous posts saying that she needs to move on, but the OP refuses to accept this.

If "Beth" had posted her version on here I strongly suspect we would all have been telling her to go to the police; possibly the ex-friend too (and it looks like this may have now happened).

While I may sound mean on this post, I suspect I sound a lot less mean if you take all the posts together.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 06:59

[quote sunnyblueskys]@fourminutestosavetheworld the ex spent months messing me around.
So maybe I am obsessively thinking about it.
Picking me up,throwing me to one side ,telling me about other women whilst telling me not to be jealous.
Picking me back up again then throwing me down again.
It was mentally draining
Every day she would send me screenshots of different women and tell me how they wanted her.
It made me feel shit
Then Throw my so called friend in the mix ...[/quote]
It looks like you were treated very badly by this ex, as you yourself say it was very upsetting and emotionally and mentally draining. The whole toxic situation sounds like you'd be better off out of it, and away from all of them. What you need to focus on is that nobody can make somebody do something that they don't want to do in these situations. The friendship circle you describe sounds like they are all weak, cowardly, people who have to stay in each others lives to remain relevant. You don't have to be part of that. It's difficult I know, but look how this is making you feel, look at the turmoil and distress this is causing you. Do you really think situations where people are bringing the Police into these situations are healthy ones?
You have no way of making any of this right, they will never change. What you can do is focus on getting support and therapy to move forward, join groups or clubs to make new friends, and cutting all of this toxic mess out of your life.

GertietheGherkin · 07/06/2021 07:41

@DeathStare

I remember your previous post - which was more specific.

The ex split up with you because she did not know who it was who was telling lies and wanted to be out of the middle of it. It had only ever been a casual relationship - although you felt it could turn more serious - and she had known her friend (your ex friend) longer than you and trusted her.

The more you posted the more it seemed that the bad- mouthing had (to some extent) been two-way, though you saw yours as honesty, as we assume did your exfriend. After the girl you had been seeing (I don't think she was referred to initially as an ex as you were clear that it had only been casual) - who I think you referred to as Beth - had decided she didnt want to see you anymore you have been obsessing about her and about trying to get her to see your ex friend is a liar and trying to get her to give you a good reason (one you would accept) why she didnt want to be with you and trying to change her mind.

The replies you got last time mainly said that you needed to leave Beth alone and stop fixating on her, that she didnt owe you an explanation you would accept to decide that she didnt want to be with you.

I'm not sure what anyone can add to that this time. I really think you need some help to move on from this and accept that she doesn't want to be with you.

Blimey 😮 Do you take notes? To remember a thread in that much detail is quite something.
DeathStare · 07/06/2021 08:20

@gertiethegherkin

It was really memorable because a) it wasnt that long ago - certainly no more than a week or so; and b) it was someone who was coming very close to stalking someone else and could not see that that's what they were doing, and was basically (though the OP couldn't see it) looking for advice on how to make the stalking more successful (ie how they could convince the object of their affections that they should remove the boundaries they had put in place and not be upset that the OP had breached them). Those posts are pretty unusual and yes they stand out.

I'm not the only person who remembers these posts - there are other similar comments up thread.

sunnyblueskys · 07/06/2021 08:24

@DeathStare what a load of rubbish.
You have totally bypassed me explaining all the nasty things ex friend did to me and also bypassed the way my "ex" treated me to paint me as some sort of stalker.

Which btw couldn't be further from the truth.

And sorry to disappoint the lies my friend went to the police with had nothing at all to do with "stalking"
She made my life a misery for months and then the "ex" believed all the poison and joined in.

Sorry if the idea of me being some crazed stalker is more juicy than the actual reality !

OP posts:
sunnyblueskys · 07/06/2021 08:34

@DeathStare also you have totally bypassed the fact my friend created fake texts to show my "ex" saying they were from me.

Then this friend rang my "ex" upset telling her I had been at her front door threatening her (another lie )

Does that sound like normal behaviour to you ?

OP posts:
C0nstance · 07/06/2021 11:26

@sunnyblueskys

Do you think my ex will ever see this friends true colours ? Or maybe she does already but isn't bothered as she isn't the one who is being treated awful ?
Yes, either she already does see them but what she wants now is to be part of a group. She wants that more than she wants a relationship. That's her prerogative even if she is a disciple of a queen bee more than a valued friend to the queen bee. But that's her choice.

Or, she will see the truth and regret she didn't do more or say more.

I think this is likely. But don't sit around waiting for this.

Have you blocked the yet @sunnyblueskys?

Please do. Start your recovery TODAY

C0nstance · 07/06/2021 11:55

Ps, the fake texts sound like Utter madness. But this is all the more reason to back away from this group completely. Saying ''move on now'' does not mean that people don't get what you've been through.

It's so machiavellian, and to remain even peripherally connected to this woman or this group would be madness.

Block them all and every body foolish enough to be a disciple of hers, and then make the decision to stop giving them space in your head.

They have behaved horribly and a lot of people will sympathise because they've been on the receiving end of similarly shocking behavior from people they thought owed them a bit more respect.

But it actually helped me to realise (when a relative was giving me the silent treatment for over a year - so far) that people can behave as badly as they want to. I felt ''you can't do that!'' but I was wrong. People can and do behave as badly as they want to behave.

The woman who is a covert scapegoating narcissist to me can and does behave exactly as she pleases and feels quite righteous about it to. Luckily though I feel so much more emotionally reactive to that than I did a year ago. I feel quite meh at her behaviour now.

It's true that old cliche, you cannot control other people, all you can control is your reaction.

Be kind to yourself. This has been a very difficult situation you've been through so first of all, acknowledge that it was very very challenging emotionally. It hurt. Don't berate yourself for having felt hurt. But take back control now. Block them and move on to the next phase. This is where you have to consciously push thoughts of them out of your head and focus on yourself. You have to stand in your own corner. Be on your own team and push thoughts of them out of your head. Otherwise the obsessive loop will take you down.

There are a lot of helpful meditations and hypnosis on youtube. Spend a week or so searching for helpful meditations on acceptance and kindness to yourself because that really is the first step in becoming stronger and more resilient. It may seem counter-intuitive, you may be thinking, no, i need to be stronger, I need to be more resilient so I can never be hurt again. But press pause on that. First of all, honour what you've been through. It was extremely painful. But you're going to make a concerted effort to put it behind you now so that you can focus on being kind to yourself now.

We're always told ''self-care, self-care, self-care'' and it is confusing, what does it mean, crisps? wine? taking the day off? I wondered about that, so I bought a book by a psychologist Fiona Brennan 'self care habit'' defined it as ''listen, open, value, energise''

I don't know what she means exactly by each of these as I'm only a few chapters in, but I'm loving the book so far. It's work, it gets you to think. You need to take it slowly and do the exercises.

But I'm curious to see what it means, Skipping ahead I can see that the listen section includes writing a letter to yourself, in the past, now, in the future. Connect with you but also, listen to others.
Open
Value
Energise. - for this one, I think one way to apply this would be to change gear energetically and look FORWARD very decisively.

I was bullied out of a group I had every right to be in just over a year ago but although it was incredibly painful it also really has forced me to 'grow' and learn.