AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden??

[citcatgirl45]

AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden when you have a week off?? My DH doesn't like crowds or lots of people and I have always respected this but sometimes to have a life and do something fun there will be crowds of people. Since the pandemic he has become even more against people and has not and refuses to go out anywhere. We have had a week off and we have been no where. He refuses to drive anywhere (roads too busy) or go anywhere (too many people). He has literally stayed in the house and garden all week. He absolutely adored the lockdowns and loved the fact that he had to stay in. I had a few things planned for the week which I did just without him. We have just had a huge discussion/row about what we want from life and he said if I want a social life it will not be with him. He has realised how happy he is within his house and garden. Admittedly we do have a lovely house and garden!! Before the pandemic I could get him out every now and then. Is it time to call it quits or shall I just do stuff without him?? He can't understand my need to go out when I have such a beautiful house and garden!!!

Just go out without him! My parents are like this. My mum is always out and about; Dad stays in. They’re celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary next year!

What age group are you? And do you have friends you can do things with?
DH is sociable, but we don’t socialise much together, unless seeing grown up DC. I go to classes with one group if friends, visit gardens with a couple of others, go for lunch with some, etc. I’m happy with this.

You don't have to do everything together do you? Go out by yourself or with friends? Although if it really means a lot to you it wouldn't kill him to leave the house once in a while.

Have you had get togethers at your home, or is your husband not amenable to that?

I am currently sat in my mother in law's garden (we have finally been able to visit for a week from our second floor London flat after a year of lockdowns).
The garden is tiny. She paved over the grass but has raised beds round the edges which she grows veg and various pots with flowers. Colourful lights for when it's dark.
It is absolutely wonderful out here. I sit secretly thinking of different plants I could grow and what different garden ornaments I would have. I was actually looking on the Argos website yesterday attached garden furniture thinking "if this garden was mine...". Today we have just had a BBQ. I sit outside doing my crafts, reading, listening to the birds. I love it and am close to sobbing at the thought of going back to London tomorrow.
If you want to go out and have a social life - then go out by yourself. Personally I would prefer the garden.

Do stuff without him. I do loads without my DH. Sometimes it's dd2 and me going out, other times dd1 will join me, sometimes it's both dds and me going out and about. DH rarely joins us. He does go to his friend's house, but probably only once a month or so for a couple of hours. We're ok with that. I love a day out on my own or with friends, I've even had a few weekends away on my own which was bliss.

Of course, if you don't want to socialise on your own leaving him at home, the other option is to leave him and then socialise on your own until you meet a man who is more on your level of sociability.

It's ok at be different kinds of people, but if there's no compromise, ever, that's when you have a problem. I can see him not wanting to be around large crowds, but he won't even go to a restaurant or pub? Not even "normal" things?

Are you also married to my DH? I do things without him, either with my DS or my friends. He will come on occasional trips if it's something DS will enjoy. I've had much more luck getting him out to outside spaces, gardens, moors, beaches etc.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable. You just like different things and in the middle of a pandemic want different levels of close contact with others.

Just go out without him. I do most of my socialising without DH, it's great, I have lots of different groups of friends which I do different things with.

I love just being, I enjoy my garden and own space and local environment.

I like meeting friends and family, but I don't feel I really need to go somewhere to chat with them - although I don't always want to be the one hosting!

DH has always been more social, and has no problem driving about to meet friends and catch up.

We just socialise in different ways, neither is wrong or right really.

My kids are the same - they are (luckily) happy wherever they are - they don't need to be somewhere different.

My DH is like that. To be fair to him, he has a disability and is often in pain, but I also think he has become nervous of crowds since the pandemic. Slightly different though. He will go to a restaurant, night out ( if I give him notice) and is quite happy to for people to come over.
I do things without him though , either on my own, with a friend or with my DDs

My OH is like this and getting worse as he gets older. Me and the kids just go off without him but occasionally I do put my foot down and make home come.

I'd love to
Spend a week sitting in the garden

You're not joined at the hip Just go out without him

To be fair, I've done a fair bit of driving over the past week, none of it holiday related. I can't think of anything worse than half term, day tripping, traffic jams and tourists - especially if it involves a car full of bored, hot, grumpy, sandy children. If no are children involved, I'd have booked my leave well away from school holidays.

what 'stuff' do you do and want him to do?

Neither of you are wrong, you just enjoy different things.

Just go out on your own.

God this sounds familiar. Just do stuff without him. Less likely to cause an argument and you’ll both be happier. Widen your social circle and leave the recluse to it.

Whether you stay or leave is nothing to do with your different interests really. It's possible to have a happy marriage despite differences. My DH is very nervous about travelling. There are 4 countries he is used to and likes visiting but I want to see more of the world than that. I used to drag him along with me but he was stroppy and nervous and it ruined the holidays. It was also a total waste of money. Now I go on my own or with mates and enjoy reuniting with him at the end of my adventures. Similarly, he loves live music and follows many bands whereas for me a night in a pub listening to earsplitting music is my idea of hell so he does that without me while I enjoy a very quiet night in.

If you like your DH and want to stay married this needn't be a deal breaker. If, OTOH, this is the final straw for you, that's fair enough too.

Cinema? It’s out but in and not busy.
Coffee and a walk round the park?

I hate crowds of people i know eg work outings to the pub, having to make small talk and listen to people go on about their dead pet guinea pig (I sat though half an hour last week I sat through that!) .

OP wants to go out with her husband sometimes - he should stop being an arse and compromise.

How is he ‘being an arse’??

Neither of you are wrong, just do your things without him. My Dh odten stays home and chills while I have adventures with our dd and it doesn't bother us at all. He does want to come out sometimes but tbh I wouldn't take him somewhere where it would be heaving with people as I'd hate it to

Oh and we'd both happily spend a week in the garden given the chance

You can do what you want. He can do what he wants. Neither of you are being unreasonable you just need to respect your differences and work around them