AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden??

[citcatgirl45]

AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden when you have a week off?? My DH doesn't like crowds or lots of people and I have always respected this but sometimes to have a life and do something fun there will be crowds of people. Since the pandemic he has become even more against people and has not and refuses to go out anywhere. We have had a week off and we have been no where. He refuses to drive anywhere (roads too busy) or go anywhere (too many people). He has literally stayed in the house and garden all week. He absolutely adored the lockdowns and loved the fact that he had to stay in. I had a few things planned for the week which I did just without him. We have just had a huge discussion/row about what we want from life and he said if I want a social life it will not be with him. He has realised how happy he is within his house and garden. Admittedly we do have a lovely house and garden!! Before the pandemic I could get him out every now and then. Is it time to call it quits or shall I just do stuff without him?? He can't understand my need to go out when I have such a beautiful house and garden!!!

The friend I know who was married to someone exactly like this, with children now in their early teens, is now divorced. She was sick of being the only one who engaged in any way with the world outside the house, even as regards taking the children to a swimming lesson or dropping them to play with nearby friends — leaving aside any kind of social life, separately or together.

I used to work with her husband in a former job, and though I didn’t know him that well at the start, I remember noticing and being puzzled by the fact that, to a casual enquiry from someone about whether he had any plans for the weekend, he would sort of puff and blow and look harassed, and say he had to take his son to an appointment, or some other routine thing that would have taken maybe half an hour in total, but which for him obviously dominated the weekend. That to him was a source of stress because it involved leaving the house. A week that contained a parents’ evening at school, or a child’s school play, was a big, stressful deal. He used to be up in his study supposedly working all weekend , or cooking an elaborate Saturday night dinner all day, largely, because I think they were alibis against having to leave the house. If you asked him if he’d had a nice weekend/holiday, he’d blow out his cheeks and say they’d spent it ‘recovering’. Everything appeared to exhaust him, although he was a healthy man in his 40s.

I think I realised how entrenched it was when someone he knew got tickets for Hamilton (which he and the kids loved) and invited them to come, he found excuses for why it was impossible to go to London for a day — he was too busy, it was too tiring — even though it was a straightforward 50-minute train trip, and his wife was going to go with them to ‘supervise’, for free tickets to something they all loved.

His wife used to socialise by herself a lot over their 16 year marriage, but I think in the end she got sick of carrying everything as regards the children, and that they were growing up with the idea that Daddy just couldn’t be bothered.

So, I don’t blame you in the least, OP.

Yabu

If you’re otherwise happy I’d just do stuff on my own. Tbh my DH doesn’t really like crowds etc. So we do compromise. I took the kids to a theme park this week, with my sister, something he would hate, but my sister, teens and I love. But he came with us to the zoo, which is a day out he enjoys.

Tbh we do a lot of stuff separately and it works for us. But if your generally unhappy in other areas of your relationship, it may be time to rethink.

Are you happy being with him otherwise? If not then reconsider, if you are then YANBU to do your own thing. We both out out for a lunch or dinner sometimes but we both like staying in too so I can see his point.

59

I could have paid it off years earlier but the rate was so low (0.29% at the end) that it wasn't worth it.

Duh!

Wrong thread

it might have been nice this last week to have done different things - country walks, cinema or lunch in a cafe/pub ,sometimes with the kids sometimes without, but he says never again he doesn't need anything outside his house and garden to keep him occupied

That sounds rubbish OP.
I can't believe some of the replies! I think it's because most posters are assuming you both to be at least late fifties, and there's an ageist assumption that women of a certain age should be content to go off flower arranging or on coach trips with other old ladies while poor old hubby gets some peace and quiet ...
Nobody can diagnose Autism based on a few sentences on the internet, so putting that aside, I think he sounds really selfish. You still have kids at home, he chose to have them, and it doesn't sound like you refuse to spend time sitting at home with him, so he should sometimes go out and do perfectly normal things with you.
Lockdowns have done weird things to people though. Personally, it's made me wish I had travelled more, and I am putting all my extra money towards that-I'm dreaming of Italy and Japan and Norway! Others have gone the other way, like WAY the other way. I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to DO things with your own husband sometimes!

Me and DP are like your DP in that we enjoy staying at home and spending time in the garden on our days off. We will occasionally do something like the cinema/meal out/go for a walk though so we don’t become complete hermits. I think you should just do things separately but your DP could maybe compromise by doing something of your choice one day a month.

Neither of you are wrong, you just like doing different things. I love sitting in the garden, and tbh if he's got a week off it's understandable that he might not want to spend it being busy.

You don't have to sit in the garden with him though. Me and DP do our own thing as well as doing things together. He went round to a friend's house last night for some drinks, I went to my mum's a few days ago for an afternoon in the garden with the family .. neither of us fancied going with the other, it was absolutely fine.

Neither of you are unreasonable.

I can spend all my time in the garden quite happily, birdwatching, pottering in the veg patch, reading a book in the hammock chair or on the recliner listening to podcasts. It's bliss, and my favourite place in the world. Other people would hate it, whereas I'm put off by half term crowds and traffic so am happoy to stay home and go out when it's quieter

Relationships take compromise and he's not compromising at all, not only that, he's moved the goal posts from when you first married, he is being selfish

What is on at the cinema this week of interest anyway?

@nexus63

i have an older neighbour in her early 70s, her husband is in his 80s, unless it is the pub then he will not go out, she decided to join a couple of groups, book club, art group and knitting group (they knit tiny outfits for newborns and prem babies), they still get on but she has a life that she enjoys and he sits in front of the tv, she asked me if i wanted to go on some coaching weekends (pre-covid) but i was still with my partner at the time, but we have gone away for the day, browsed the shops and had lunch, she has always said it is not worth the bother of trying to split the house up and get divorced at her age. maybe you could just get on with your life and leave him to sit in the house,

^^this is true of a number of people I know. My DH and I do things together but more often apart. Suits us and neither loses out. Personally I love being at home and relish the peace and quiet when he’s out or away!

I did manage to get him out for a walk today - as he won't go out in the car at the weekends as it is too busy - we stayed local and just walked around our local area, it was just nice to be out together with one of our kids and he is all happy and smiley but weirdly he stops and chats to people he doesn't know about the most random things. My son always laughs because he is so polite to people and always says good afternoon but as my son says he doesn't like people but he always speaks to them!!!! He has a manual job and he works with people all week so he says weekends and holidays he doesn't want to be around people at all. I have suggested a meal out one night in the week at a really lovely small quiet restaurant that a friend of a friend owns but he refuses as he says what is wrong with a take away. If I want to spend time with him why does it have to be somewhere where other people are (which I suppose he has a point!!) I have explained I just feel shut in sometimes when I don't go out the house or garden and he says he feels enclosed when he is anywhere where there are other people milling about stifling him and his freedom!! I think there is definitely some kind of social anxiety or claustrophobia connected to it.

DP does that from time to time - it's taken until the last fortnight to get him out of the house outside work and shopping/essential hospital appointments, thanks to Covid making it more important to stay at home for over a year.

Before then, there were periods where he wouldn't leave the house at all and I'd go out without him. Never a problem doing it, he didn't want to stop me going out, he just wasn't going to come with me if I did. I'd talk about what I did and I think that made it more predictable - he knew more or less what to expect if he did come out. The key to was to find somewhere that was quiet and had limited numbers of people.

Mind you, it's better for us than it was for him with his ex - she went out so much to busy, crowded, noisy places, she had plenty of opportunity to meet somebody she liked better/was more suited to her preferences - and left him for that person.

I wonder sometimes whether he decides it's time to make the effort when he really feels anxious about people and noise because he knows from experiences what it can do to relationships, though.

That's really mean of him to never go to a restaurant with you

He's not being an arse. he's just being himself

Of course he's being an arse if he refuses to compromise and do something that will give his wife pleasure. She's not asking for much, just a change of scenery, some companionship outside of the house and garden.

This sounds like it’s making you very sad. His anxiety/unwillingness (whatever it is) shouldn’t override your wish for a normal life where you and your partner do things together. Lots of people saying this very normal, but to me it’s far from that. Even my friends who are farmers and practically glued to their land socialise together when they can (happily!) socialising and doing things with my partner is a real joy to us both.

when I was growing up my mum did everything and took us everywhere, we used to call it a ‘three quarter family’ because my dad couldn’t be arsed and preferred to stay home (whilst drinking to excess alone) It was selfish and worse, he undermined my mums need for a normal life, making her feel shallow if she wanted to go out and be with others. They are divorced now. I still think she’d be a shell of herself if she’d stayed.

I have a similar DH. He's been like that the whole time I have known him (14 years). Like your DH he has thoroughly enjoyed lockdown and the lack of enforced hanging out. I know what I married. I won't be able to change him and neither would I want to.