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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden??

94 replies

citcatgirl45 · 05/06/2021 18:05

AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden when you have a week off?? My DH doesn't like crowds or lots of people and I have always respected this but sometimes to have a life and do something fun there will be crowds of people. Since the pandemic he has become even more against people and has not and refuses to go out anywhere. We have had a week off and we have been no where. He refuses to drive anywhere (roads too busy) or go anywhere (too many people). He has literally stayed in the house and garden all week. He absolutely adored the lockdowns and loved the fact that he had to stay in. I had a few things planned for the week which I did just without him. We have just had a huge discussion/row about what we want from life and he said if I want a social life it will not be with him. He has realised how happy he is within his house and garden. Admittedly we do have a lovely house and garden!! Before the pandemic I could get him out every now and then. Is it time to call it quits or shall I just do stuff without him?? He can't understand my need to go out when I have such a beautiful house and garden!!!

OP posts:

godmum56 · 05/06/2021 19:14

Folk are differeent and like different things....is he happy alone when you go out and are you happy to go without him?

Lazydaz · 05/06/2021 19:16

Is it because he has autism/add etc, if not he could compromise some of the time

nexus63 · 05/06/2021 19:21

i have an older neighbour in her early 70s, her husband is in his 80s, unless it is the pub then he will not go out, she decided to join a couple of groups, book club, art group and knitting group (they knit tiny outfits for newborns and prem babies), they still get on but she has a life that she enjoys and he sits in front of the tv, she asked me if i wanted to go on some coaching weekends (pre-covid) but i was still with my partner at the time, but we have gone away for the day, browsed the shops and had lunch, she has always said it is not worth the bother of trying to split the house up and get divorced at her age.
maybe you could just get on with your life and leave him to sit in the house,

Hax · 05/06/2021 19:23

Been with DH 40+ years and learned long ago to do my own thing.
I adore my garden and house, even after the best part of the year stuck at home but I also like to do other things. DH doesn't like socialising, travel or going out but crucially he will if I really want him to.
Mostly I just meet women friends or do things on my own but if I ask him he will come. Marriage is about compromise.

WeAreTheHeroes · 05/06/2021 19:25

Invite friends round if you want to do things together?

HollowTalk · 05/06/2021 19:27

Maybe the OP doesn't want to go out on her own all the time. It's nice to have someone to do things with - if he doesn't want to do anything, ever, then what's the point of being with him?

cupsofcoffee · 05/06/2021 19:30

@HollowTalk

Maybe the OP doesn't want to go out on her own all the time. It's nice to have someone to do things with - if he doesn't want to do anything, ever, then what's the point of being with him?

Surely she knew his personality before she married him, though?

My dad is a real introvert and my mum is the total opposite - they've been married nearly 40 years now. Dad does his own thing and mum goes out with friends (or me!) to get her social fix.

OP doesn't need to go out alone - she can go out with her friends, no?

Mamanyt · 05/06/2021 19:42

I didn't even vote on this one. Both of you are being entirely reasonable according to your own wants, needs, and desires. Your only real question is whether or not to pursue what you want with or without this man. That depends largely on your definition of a "couple." IF you love him, and IF you enjoy doing things on your own (I always did!), then I don't see a real problem here. However, if you absolutely long and pine for his company on your outings, then you have different choices. You may try to get him to agree to some, not even most, of your outings...maybe to non-crowded, low-key places, or you go it on your own, and look for a more congenial partner.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best!

FrownedUpon · 05/06/2021 19:49

Personally I couldn’t put up with that, but I love going out, exploring new areas, short breaks etc. & I enjoy sharing those experiences with DP. I would find it really sad if he just wanted to sit in the garden. It’s not much of a life is it? What do you talk about?

He might be forced to live like that when he’s older and may well regret not using his active years more wisely.

MadMadMadamMim · 05/06/2021 19:49

Do stuff without him. It's half term, and I agree with him that the roads and crowds are likely to be awful - particularly as the weather is nice.

I've happily spent the week at home and in the garden.

EwwSprouts · 05/06/2021 19:50

Agree with others compromise is the answer. I think he was right for this week. We live near the coast and roads have been horrendous.

I also think it's healthy to do separate things as it gives your more to chat about. I wouldn't ever want to go to a football match with DH and he loathes coffee and shopping.

If you are planning a family though I would pause to wonder will he compromise to take them places?

RampantIvy · 05/06/2021 19:53

DH is very similar. He is deeply introverted and cannot understand why I feel "caged" when I haven't set foot out of the house for a week or seen anyone else. Fortunately he will meet up with long standing friends, and likes going to the pub. He will also do days out now. In fact more so because everything has to be booked and therefore numbers are lower. We went out for most of the day last weekend to visit a stately home and had a fabulous day. He enjoyed it as much as I did.

He also doesn't mind if I go out to places of interest on my own or out with friends. My need to see and be with people is the same as his need to be on his own.

EssentialHummus · 05/06/2021 19:54

Look, I think it's important that there's something you enjoy doing together otherwise it's not much of a marriage imo, but there's nothing wrong with enjoying different things. I'd spend the rest of my days out in the garden faffing with tomatoes personally.

KevinTheGoat · 05/06/2021 19:55

Just do stuff without him. You don't have to take him everywhere.

exiledfromcornwall · 05/06/2021 20:00

As others have said, just because you are married doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. A couple can be perfectly happily married while living semi-separate lives. If you drag him along to something against his will it will only spoil it for you (I know, I've been there).

niceupthedance · 05/06/2021 20:04

The weather has been so awful for so long a week in the sun in the garden sounds perfect .

user1494055864 · 05/06/2021 20:07

I love staying at home. We have spent years making our house and garden how we want it. I did make an effort to go out a few times this week for dd2s sake, but I'm happiest sitting in my own garden eating lunch or having a cream tea etc.

C152 · 05/06/2021 20:14

Doing 'loads' without your other half is not the same as doing everything without your other half, which is how an ex and I ended up. I went on holidays by myself or with my best friend; I went out to dinner alone or with friends; I went to exhibitions alone. I was perfectly happy doing some things alone / with friends, but the less my ex and I did together, the less we actually had to talk about. You've already had a discussion about how you both want the future to be, and your other half is unwilling to compromise. Now you just need to decide if whatever you do have together is enough for you. If it's not, don't wait for things to change - they won't - just call it a day.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 05/06/2021 20:22

My grandparents were like this.

Grandmother - extreme extrovert, Grandfather extreme introvert. They did go away in their caravan though. So he was still in his own space even when away.

She used to go out for the whole day and he'd say " Back so soon?" when she returned.

İt worked for them. Maybe wouldn't work for everyone though.

GOODCAT · 05/06/2021 20:23

Is the issue that by not going out his world is becoming narrow and has a narrower range of interests and things to talk about?

GML107 · 05/06/2021 20:27

@Lazydaz

Is it because he has autism/add etc, if not he could compromise some of the time

He sounded autistic to me too.

You say to do something fun there has to be crowds. There are lots of different ways to live life and crowded places are hell for many.

If your husband is autistic crowded places could cause him all kinds of issues including overwhelming anxiety, an inability to process effectively, exhaustion etc. Could it be like pre-lockdown he was putting himself through some pretty awful experiences to please you and now he's had a taste of the good life he doesn't want to go back.

Are you happy to go out to crowded places on your own? If the answer is no then surely your best of ending this? Likewise, if you do stay and end up constantly putting pressure on your husband to do something he doesn't want to do simply to please you wouldn't it be the kinder thing to leave?

mariemare · 05/06/2021 20:31

I think you're being unreasonable to not recognise that there's nothing wrong with him wanting to sit in the garden. Just as there's nothing wrong with you wanting to get out the house and spend time with your friends.

Being an extrovert is not better than being an introvert and vice versa. They're just different.

You would not be unreasonable to consider whether, in the long term, being in relationship with someone with such a different personality type is something you want. Would you be happy to socialise without him, or would you feel something was lacking if you couldn't take your husband to events with you?

In the short term, I think it's unreasonable to force someone out of the house if they don't want to (we're still living in a pandemic and no one gets to decide how comfortable someone else should be about that). However, in the long term, you have to decide whether you're both happy with compromise - you staying home more than you want to and him going out more than he wants to.

If you're both never never going to be happy with that level of compromise, you're not bad people, but you're probably bad for each other.

WhySoSensitive · 05/06/2021 20:44

I am your husband. I’d be distraught if my DH left me because we had different social ideas.
Luckily we’re the same!

Twofurrycatsagain · 05/06/2021 20:47

YANB entirely U. It's ok to like doing different things. I'm quite happy to do a lot either on my own or with others. But sometimes you want to do things with the person you've chosen as a partner.
Yes everywhere has been busy because of half term and the weather is great for sitting in the garden. What would you do with a few days off in, say, November?

optimistic40 · 05/06/2021 20:57

You aren't being unreasonable to want to SOMETIMES do things out of the home with your husband. I love going out with my partner and going out with friends. And staying in alone. But the lack of compromise wouldn't make me happy: doing things together helps keep it all alive

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