AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden??

[citcatgirl45]

AIBU to think there is more to life than just sitting in the garden when you have a week off?? My DH doesn't like crowds or lots of people and I have always respected this but sometimes to have a life and do something fun there will be crowds of people. Since the pandemic he has become even more against people and has not and refuses to go out anywhere. We have had a week off and we have been no where. He refuses to drive anywhere (roads too busy) or go anywhere (too many people). He has literally stayed in the house and garden all week. He absolutely adored the lockdowns and loved the fact that he had to stay in. I had a few things planned for the week which I did just without him. We have just had a huge discussion/row about what we want from life and he said if I want a social life it will not be with him. He has realised how happy he is within his house and garden. Admittedly we do have a lovely house and garden!! Before the pandemic I could get him out every now and then. Is it time to call it quits or shall I just do stuff without him?? He can't understand my need to go out when I have such a beautiful house and garden!!!

Just go out without him. It's not unusual for couples to be like this, one wanting to get out and about and the other content to stay at home. Calling it quits sounds a bit dramatic!

@HollowTalk

Maybe the OP doesn't want to go out on her own all the time. It's nice to have someone to do things with - if he doesn't want to do anything, ever, then what's the point of being with him?

Hasn’t she got any friends? I’m married to someone who’s not keen on travel so I go places with my friends.

This week’s been glorious though. I’ve spent nearly every day in the garden with a book and it’s felt like a holiday.

My dad is just like that, won't go anywhere, just wants to stay in the house or garden. It's fine, my mum just does stuff without him.

It’s fine OP. Unless you’re doing the bulk of the stuff with young kids like soft play, days out, taking them to sports clubs and parties etc. It’s not ok to opt out of parenting but it’s ok to be a homebody.

We are both mid 40's with 2 kids in their early teens. He has always been less social than me but before the pandemic I could get him to come out with us sometimes - lockdown just proved to him how much he really hates going out. Going out as a family was his worst nightmare but as we have an autistic child (I think DH is probably autistic) when they were little it was hard on my own. As the kids are now a bit older I thought it might have been nice this last week to have done different things - country walks, cinema or lunch in a cafe/pub ,sometimes with the kids sometimes without, but he says never again he doesn't need anything outside his house and garden to keep him occupied. When I met him he was alot more social than he is now but I saw the change in him after we had children and when we started having to do family things like visits to park, zoos, attractions, childrens parties etc. I am very independent and am quite happy doing things alone and with my children but it gets me a bit when I see happy families out enjoying the sunshine. He never stops me going out and is actually happy for me to go out with friends which I do but so often they want to be or are out with their spouses.

While it isn't unreasonable for him to prefer being at home, from your latest post, it sounds like he doesn't want to do anything at all. That's massively different to doing some things together while you do other things yourself/with the dc.

You're not suggesting anything outrageous. A walk/lunch at a cafe/pub (he could even sit outside if that makes him feel better) are fairly standard things to do

Could he be anxious? In which case, would he be open to speaking to his GP? Does he go to work? It's ok being a homebody but never leaving the house isn't exactly normal.

I'd broach the subject of him being anxious and suggest he speak to the GP if that's the case.

If he won't seek help/refuses to do anything at all, it may be that you have to decide if you are happy to do things with others or if it's a deal breaker.

@DenimDrift

How is he ‘being an arse’??

Because he's not a bachelor, he chose to marry and have children. And his wife wants to occasionally do things outside of the house and garden with her husband. And it's not unreasonable for her to expect an able bodied man in his 40s to get off his arse and accompany her.

Honestly, you lot! It's weird to not want to leave your house and garden ever. Really weird.

Maybe try and go somewhere once half term is over. I cycled to a shop a few miles away on Friday to get a few provisions and hated having to run the gauntlet of people en route. Just too busy.

I think compromise is the key.
Him being happy in the garden is fine as is you wanting to do a full week of rampaging.
But...if he refuses to meet in the middle and go out now and then I'd be pretty bored and wonder if my later years would be watching him sit. That's in my eyes tedious.
Did he go places with you and the kids when they were young?

I think it’s weird and you have a right to be unhappy. I’d be more annoyed though at his refusal to go anywhere when the kids were young. Parenthood does sometimes involve going places or doing kid activities you would rather not do. It’s unfair he left this all to you and said he prefers staying in. I’m sure at that phase of your life you probably did too. Going places alone is hard, and I can’t imagine how difficult with an autistic child. I have an 18mo but get nervous at the thought of going to soft play alone when the time comes. He can only stay in his garden if you are going out and about doing his bidding - unless you get all shopping delivered etc. If so, I would stop doing these thing for him. If you get divorced and sell the house he will then have to be out and about😁 I understand wanting to chill in the garden, I love sitting in mine but it seems he is refusing to participate in married or family life. My husband is a homebody when not working, but still goes out and does stuff with me and our dd. Your husband committed to having children and a marriage so it’s not an unfair expectation he does the drudge stuff too outside the home, not leave it all to you.

Do you think he struggles with how hectic and busy things can be during the school holidays?

I have Aspergers (it was still diagnosed as such when I was younger) and I find busy, crowded places incredibly overwhelming and my instinct is to just stay home where it's quiet and safe.

However he chose to marry and have DC and therefore he can't just choose to stay within his four walls forever. He may not enjoy kids activities but lots of parents don't - but that's just part of being a parent. He needs to suck it up.

DH and I hate crowds but we still go out a lot as there are loads of places you can go without people. You just need to go off the beaten track slightly.

I’d not be too hard on him, as he may have agrophobia and the pandemic is a real risk, but I also wouldn’t let it hold me back. Book tickets for nearby places v early so you can be away before they get busy, go on country walks to deserted spots, or failing that definitely go out alone or with friends.

Your dp is being unreasonable he needs to meet you in the middle and do things outside the home with his family/Dw it's not natural to never leave your home and garden unless you physically can't.
Why should the op always go somewhere on her own or keep pestering friends to go with her to make up for the fact that her dh won't.
Obviously have your own hobbies no one needs to be joined at the hip, but the op is saying that her dh won't even do the simplest of social things post Covid.
It's miserable always missing out on trying a new restaurant, watching a movie or taking a walk along the seafront just because your dh won't leave his comfort zone.

My husband is a bit like this. From rushing all over the country, he has now realised he likes walking the dog and sitting in the garden between zoom calls. He has become slightly obsessive about germs and me (my safety rather than his) and ‘essential’ household tasks he can potter at.

I’ve been very firm about me living my life. He has accepted that as my right but follows me around with anti-bac when I return. I have invited people into the garden for coffee and he is too polite to make a fuss, so has become used to seeing people face to face again. I’ve booked time away - not crowded places, but with a need for some travel and meals out. He’s warming to the idea again. We’re away overnight at the moment in a rural pub with rooms.

He had our daughter’s wedding a couple of weeks ago, so had to force himself to become comfortable around more people again. He would do anything for our children, so a good motivator.

I think you do need to do gentle supportive nudging and pushing or risk being hermits. That’s not healthy.

My husband is the same as yours. We are mid 30s. But we have been together for 20 years. We have 2 kids under 10. Most of the time I will take them out by myself. We are currently on holiday at a caravan in Wales. My husband is at home. I'm used to it, and sometimes prefer it because he spoils it if he comes, by being quiet and doesn't crack a smile and I get irritated and stressed.
But it does cause us problems. I only have one friend and she has just had a baby so isn't available to come away with me etc. I don't have anyone else to do anything with so im always alone with the kids. This makes me sad when I look around seeing groups of friends /family enjoying themselves.
Social media is terrible because your seeing everybody out all the time. It makes me feel sad that other people can go out for lovely meals and days out with their partner and we don't. We don't even celebrate our birthdays or our wedding anniversary.
My dad also always makes a lot of comments about how incompatible we are and how crap my life will be when we retire etc. If I didn't have kids with him I would have left long ago to find someone more like me

I can see both points of view to be honest. I think a bit of compromise from him would be good though. Even if occasionally he had to push himself to go out for the day or for a meal out just for you sake.

If he is genuinely happy at home pottering in the house and garden then fine. It’s lovely when the weather is good, but what about in bad weather when he’ll just be stuck in the house? Also, you said you used to be able to get him out occasionally. Is it Covid stopping him? Is he scared? Could he be depressed? Sometimes I can’t bear the thought of going out, it’s easier/safer at home when I feel low. But I always feel better in the end for having gone out.

If you have friends and family to go out with you should do that, lots of couples end up like this with one more sociable. If he doesn’t want you to go out without him then he would be unreasonable.

I commented yesterday that I do loads without my DH, but I've thought about it, and yes, if he didn't want to do anything outside the house with me ever again, that would be a problem for me.

If I didn't have kids with him I would have left long ago to find someone more like me

I think you should start looking now

ilovemaisie

You need a garden, it screams out from your post

I think it depends on how happy you are in the relationship. If you find yourself constantly feeling that you are missing out, that isn't good. Also is he a good partner in other ways.

God it sounds miserable.
I am single and struggle sometimes seeing happy couples out and about. But it’s not too bad

When I was with my DP who was like your DH it was 1000x worse feeling sad seeing other couples out together.

Loneliness in a partnership is really much worse than loneliness alone!

He's not being an arse. he's just being himself (my autistic son is the exactly the same) - but that's not necessarily easy to live with. Can you do things outside of school holidays when it is quieter and go to places that are chilled out? Can you ask him to try some things based around what he likes - for example my OH is probably autistic he doesn't like sand, water or flying but he loves food so anywhere we go we make sure to go to lots of restaurants and try lots of street food, I look up places on tripadvisor so he can focus on that. If he has a hobby or obsession maybe you could involve that in the trip or build a trip around that. He might also be more willing once things open up properly and more people go abroad making it a bit quieter here.

You have my sympathies op, I have a similarish situation with my DH and family holidays. He quite simply isn't interested in them and makes no effort to either sort them or organise any stuff to do once we're there. It's so not like a holiday for me I wonder why I bother. DS 11 loves going to places though so I make the effort for him, DD 14 is a nightmare in terms of finding something she actually likes and enjoys. DH is very good at identifying what he dislikes in a holiday but not what he likes it's infuriating. He doesn't like it too hot, too wet, beaches and sand, too far, too much driving etc etc. What he does like is a trip away doing an activity he enjoys with his friends there as well, ie snowboarding, hiking, cycling. He'll be up, crack of dawn, motivated and getting ready. However when it's just us he lols in bed, and just stares at his phone whilst I try to get everyone sorted for the day. It causes arguments and makes me v sad.

Anyway YANBU, there does need to be a compromise. I get very lonely just out with DS and me on our own seeing big family and friendship groups out and about enjoying themselves.

I’d just assumed that your DH was retirement age! If you’ve got DCs and are in your mid 40s then it doesn’t really seem acceptable to me to opt out of normal life - he needs to be involved in family activities and do his share of out of the house parenting. There has to be compromise on both sides.