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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What to take a bereaved friend?

99 replies

candle18 · 03/06/2021 21:32

AIBU not to take flowers? I’m visiting at the weekend and I know she’s had lots of flowers. I was wondering about making up a little pamper pack with candle, bath bomb, wine, chocolates, magazine etc but DH wasn’t sure that would be appropriate.

Any ideas of what would be nice to take to visit.

OP posts:

echt · 03/06/2021 21:34

All you suggestions are good Is she on her own? Is it very soon after the bereavement? Food that can be frozen is good - but home made, not a ready meal.

Bilingualspingual · 03/06/2021 21:39

Having been bereaved very very recently I can honestly say that none of that stuff would particularly interest me. What I would appreciate is the fact that you’d come to visit me. And the fact that you’d taken some time to put together a package for me. So I suppose I’m saying, I’d very much appreciate the love and the time you’d given rather than the actual stuff, if that helps.

On the other hand, of course, it could be perfect for your friend! (No help at all)

IHateCoronavirus · 03/06/2021 21:41

Just listen to her, and offer practical support. I found negotiating daily life exhausting during the early days of grief.

welshladywhois40 · 03/06/2021 21:43

A few days after my mother died a family friend brought a pan of home made soup. That was thoughtful as thinking about shopping and making food feels so wrong but yet you do still need to eat.

So something homemade or little hamper as you said

Francescaisstressed · 03/06/2021 21:43

My friend lost a parent recently, she lives alone and wasn't eating so I took her some nice easy food and cooked for her. Your pamper suggestions are nice too - bubble bath, bath stuff, face mask etc but I'm pretty sure she'd just be happy with a hug and an ear.

EmeraldShamrock · 03/06/2021 21:44

I like the mini hamper, it is the thought that counts when bereaved.
I was blown away by small acts of kindness.
Follow her lead with talking.

Bobbiepin · 03/06/2021 21:45

Definitely food. Stuff that is already portioned out and can be frozen if need be.

Clarinet1 · 03/06/2021 21:46

Several good ideas above but also what about a nice chick lit book to take her mind of things? A CD or DVD if you know her tastes?

rainyskylight · 03/06/2021 21:47

I agree with food. Home cooked food is a hug for the body and the soul when grieving.

ncforthispost1 · 03/06/2021 21:49

@welshladywhois40

A few days after my mother died a family friend brought a pan of home made soup. That was thoughtful as thinking about shopping and making food feels so wrong but yet you do still need to eat.

So something homemade or little hamper as you said

What about those Cook meals?

Newkitchen123 · 03/06/2021 21:49

Yes to food she can easily heat up.
When I lost my husband I had lots of people visiting etc then after the funeral the vast majority went back to normal. Its just human nature, people are busy. The time after the funeral can often be the hardest as all of a sudden you have no organising to do and many of the visitors have gone.
I will never forget those people who were there for me when I needed them most

Griefmonster · 03/06/2021 21:52

Your ideas sound great. I had LOADS of flowers and genuinely appreciated any token of thought but it gets a bit grim when you need to throw out dying flowers...

IHateCoronavirus · 03/06/2021 21:54

@Griefmonster

Your ideas sound great. I had LOADS of flowers and genuinely appreciated any token of thought but it gets a bit grim when you need to throw out dying flowers...

Try to this, also years later the smell of certain flowers takes me back to that raw feeling of grief.

elizabethdraper · 03/06/2021 21:55

Food, the best gift I got when I lost my mam was a huge homemade lasagne

Faranth · 03/06/2021 21:56

I think food, either home made and portioned up ready to reheat, or stuff she can just eat without any effort. Like flapjacks / biscuits / cake / maybe cheese and biscuits? Depends what she likes. I can't imagine she'll be thinking about eating much, so something she can just grab when it occurs to her would probably be good.

I'd definitely agree no flowers, not just because she'll have loads already, but it's something she'll have to do find a vase, arrange them, tidy up the trimmings and wrapping. People tend to bring me flowers when I'm ill, and I appreciate the thought but often really can't be bothered with the faff.

But really the most important thing will be to take yourself, with plenty of time to spend with her so you don't have to rush off (not suggesting you would!). People often don't know what to say when someone is grieving, so they avoid them. Having someone acknowledge what's happened and being happy to listen / talk is invaluable.

IdblowJonSnow · 03/06/2021 21:59

I think I'd take favourite foods rather than treat/pamper stuff.
I think they will appreciate your thought and time whatever you take.

rulesofthecar · 03/06/2021 21:59

I was also thinking good. Not even necessarily home cooked stuff, maybe just a small hamper with fruit etc in. Although anything that told me someone was thinking of me was very much appreciated, so I don’t think you can go wrong really.

rulesofthecar · 03/06/2021 21:59

*food

rulesofthecar · 03/06/2021 22:00

Also, someone bought me a plant ( I love gardening) as a memento of my relative, and I really valued that.

Original poster

candle18 · 03/06/2021 22:00

Thanks all, really helpful

OP posts:

Babygotblueyes · 03/06/2021 22:07

Pamper pack is a great idea. I got loads of flowers when my mum died but one of the best presents was a small piece of rainbow glass on a card that said to hold it whenever I wanted to feel my friends support.

quince2figs · 03/06/2021 22:10

Agree, flowers are kind, but mean you are in a cycle of needing to trim, arrange, change water, find enough vases etc.

I really appreciated:

Indoor/outdoor plants instead of flowers

home-cooked food

Best was a bag of groceries left on doorstep by friends - milk, bread, butter, a pie, cheese, cake, fruit, wine. It seemed somehow incongruous to be going to the shop for such normal stuff when you have lost a close loved one, esp if sudden.

People sending texts and saying no need to reply.
Any support after the first few weeks as most disappears at the point you come out of numbness/shock and really start grieving.

Pleasedontsayyouloveme · 03/06/2021 22:10

Definitely not flowers. One of my friends sent me a lush gift box. I love lush and never buy it for myself. It was a lovely thinking of you type gift.

Averagethreebedsemi · 03/06/2021 22:10

Take her kids to school (or pick up).

I suffered a bereavement earlier this year & during the beginning of the lockdown. Schools were open but dragging myself to drop off & collect the kiddies was too much to handle... yet I really needed those few hours of child free time (to plan the funeral & just get my head together).

My friend was a God-send for helping me in such a practical way & I truly truly appreciate it.

MintyCedric · 03/06/2021 22:13

@Griefmonster

Your ideas sound great. I had LOADS of flowers and genuinely appreciated any token of thought but it gets a bit grim when you need to throw out dying flowers...

This is very true...my dad passed away 12 days ago and we've just reached this point.

I also have cats so they have to be I my bedroom and with the hot weather I now have hay-fever so as beautiful and much appreciated as they are...

Honestly I'm just touched that anyone wants to come round at the moment...your time is the most precious thing you can offer in these circumstances, but if you feel the need to take anything, make it cake.

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