What to take a bereaved friend?

[candle18]

AIBU not to take flowers? I’m visiting at the weekend and I know she’s had lots of flowers. I was wondering about making up a little pamper pack with candle, bath bomb, wine, chocolates, magazine etc but DH wasn’t sure that would be appropriate.

Any ideas of what would be nice to take to visit.

After my daughter died, one of my friends bought me a whole load of good quality tissues. Since my face we dry and cracked from all the tears, they were really appreciated and thoughtful of her. Ultimately, listening and hugging (if it’s that sort of friendship) is the best thing you can do.

My DH died suddenly in December. All gifts were much appreciated - the ones I 2as particularly grateful for were homemade meals (eating them was like getting a hug from a friend), and Cook vouchers - I used them after the funeral to hive myself 2 weeks off cooking.

I took a gift bag full of ready made gin and tonic cans to one friend when their spouse died (and have done the same on each anniversary). For another, I dropped off ten packs of their favourite chocolate biscuits on the evening before the funeral - I took more when I went to visit. She said it was great to receive something that wasn't as serious as flowers or meals.

For both friends, I chose cards that weren't soppy or twee but very upfront about the unfairness of losing their spouses. They were cards along the lines of these empathy cards. I included very specific offers of help/support within them too e.g. helping with bath/bedtime, contacting people, keeping my friend company after children had gone to bed etc. and said I'd contact them by phone in a few days so they could let me know if there was something I could usefully do.

Make a few meals, it's just one less thing for your friend to have to think about. No gifts

@Cactusesi

Take nothing. It is ridiculous to have to take a gift to comfort a grieving friend. Presents are not expected.

All the people sharing ideas based on what they have gifted bereaved friends suggests it is 'usual' rather than 'ridiculous'.

Of course no gift can make up for their loss but as someone else described it, it's like a hug from a friend which might at least bring a little comfort.

Time and Space to talk. Shared memories are comforting.

Food/cake are helpful. As are practical support. Lifts. Driving and focusing are hard. I’m the practical ones in times of crisis but I’ve not been able to be practical at all this time.

A recent flower delivery after my friends death was kind but I cried and cried and said I don’t want flowers I just want her back. It also gave me a task and I’ve just thrown them away which felt hard. Death in nature.

I think the hamper is a really nice idea OP. Very thoughtful as she likely will have lots of flowers.

To be honest the most helpful visits were those who came with the same shock and disbelief as me. They bought nothing but their love. That’s all I needed.

Wine.

When I lost my DP last year, it was the only thing that took the edge off the debilitating grief.

The week after mum's funeral, when everybody goes "back to normal ", my friend came round for a chat with a bag of jammy doughnuts and wine... she turned up on the doorstep "didn't know if white or red is recommended for doughnuts, so I brought both".

I still remember getting slightly tiddly, covered in sugar and laughing and crying in equal measure that afternoon.

I appreciated a lovely pamper box a friend sent. And I would personally appreciate flowers from a close relative or friend. But most of all the lovely messages in cards were the most thoughtful. And just letting me talk about the person I lost without looking awkward or not saying anything. To be honest, it was the friends who had also lost someone who were the most helpful in that respect.

Please don’t take flowers. When I suffered a major bereavement I ended up leaving them in the garden as we didn’t have enough vases. Donate the money to a charity that would have meaning for your friend.

Homemade food - a tray of lasagne, soup, anything that can just be heated up. Nourishing and tasty. If you can, leave her a dish every day for a week or so.

The pampering stuff - nice idea but it may just sit around causing clutter.

I loved all the flowers we received when my mum died because she loved flowers. I loved people who agreed that it was shit (and didn’t try to be positive) and allowed me to vent and cry. I loved those who knew that after the funeral was the hardest time and who remembered her anniversary the next year and knew that the first Christmas, first Mother’s Day would be hard. I didn’t give a shit about food or practicalities. Maybe it depends on what life stage your friend is at as to what would help her the most and also what kind of person you are? My best friend would be the one who goes practical in a crisis - I am the one with the bottle of wine and sits and listens to the rage and the devastation (but I am crap at practical stuff) There is room for everyone.
Just remember - 6 months from now when everyone else has moved on - that is when your friend will need someone.

When my half-sibling lost their spouse, I sent them a huge cuddly toy so that they didn't feel quite so alone in bed at night. It was warmly received.

My friend lost her DH suddenly a couple of years ago , a dear friend gave her a hug in a box . It had books , bath stuff , little bottles of wine hot chocolate and packets of trail mix incase she needed sustaining but didn’t want to eat . The most beautiful throw to lift the room . I’m sorry for your friends loss x

I lost both parents last year and all I wanted was for people to be able to talk about them and listen to me talk about them. People bought me homemade food and flowers and I'm grateful to them, but, having my best friend just listening and her talking about my parents and not feeling awkward about it was the best gift ever.

Who has she lost and how recently?

You could always take flowers in a vase. A lot of people IRL do like flowers! Donating to a charity would have had no meaning for me just after my Dad died. I would have preferred a nice card or message. At the funeral, yes.

Food. A few good home cooked meals and treats. When you are grieving the practical stuff just adds to the mental load. I agree with your dh. She would hardly be in the mood to pamper herself and run a long soak. Just practical stuff would mean alot.

I made a friend an afternoon tea and took it round. She really enjoyed it. You can get them at morrisons etc too.

My dad died 18 months ago. Flowers and cards were appreciated. I wouldn't have enjoyed food gifts and definitely not a pamper pack.
When my grandparents died it was a different kind of grief and food / pamper packs probably would have been ok.

Flowers can be lovely, but they just made me cry and then I felt guilty! My fiance sent me flowers the day before he died, so I couldn't face any flowers that weren't from him. Likewise the effort of putting them in a vase etc.
I couldn't really function for the first few days and didn't eat or drink, so when a friend turned up with a bag of shopping I ate for the first time in four days. Not big meals, things to worry about going off etc, just snacks that I could eat when I felt like it. And drinks.
I did appreciate cards and people just being there, although I struggled to deal with anyone or know what to say.

I honestly think your time is the most important thing you can give.

I've not had a card or flowers from my best mate re the death of the my dad, but it means nothing because she has been there for me every minute if every day if I've needed her ever since.

She came with me to break the news to my mum; stayed overnight with DD who needed to be at home the first night due to exams, whilst I stayed with my elderly mum; has checked in with me every day, visited multiple times and I know I can phone her in the middle of the night if I need to.

Her support has been priceless.

All of your suggestions are lovely. I think ur right to avoid flowers. My father died suddenly 18 months ago and my mums house and mine was filled with flowers. We didn’t have enough vases n cats were knocking them over n sometimes they were a faff to sort Altho we did very much appreciate the kindness. A home cooked meal or soup would be nice. Normal shopping too. Anything that helps deal with the everyday. A friend of mine crocheted me a little cotton heart to hold instead of wringing my hands and that was special. Even just message her often. Ur clearly a thoughtful kind person x