What to take a bereaved friend?

[candle18]

AIBU not to take flowers? I’m visiting at the weekend and I know she’s had lots of flowers. I was wondering about making up a little pamper pack with candle, bath bomb, wine, chocolates, magazine etc but DH wasn’t sure that would be appropriate.

Any ideas of what would be nice to take to visit.

Sounds lovely. I lost my dad this year and anything was appreciated

Agree with previous posters. The hamper sounds wonderful! They’ll definitely appreciate it- the flowers are lovely, but I personally ran out of vases and it became a bit impractical x

When my dad died my best friend brought over wine, pizzas and just listened to me vent, cry and continually poured the wine.
It’s all I needed and wanted.

Food, either something home made or a posh ready meal. I couldn't eat anything when my husband died, but I couldn't cook either so that would have been a good gift. Or something nice to sip, like a posh lemonade. Just anything to get some calories in and stay hydrated.

The more gift like stuff was VERY much appreciated a few months later though.

But definitely no flowers. Or houseplants. Nothing that involves any effort from your friend.

Food. Food that’s easy to share with guests so they can give it to people who come, and food that you can eat without thought.

@rainyskylight

I agree with food. Home cooked food is a hug for the body and the soul when grieving.

This. Food and love are what’s needed. The flowers I appreciated most were the ones delivered the day after the funeral when the initial influx had all died.

I lost a parent at the beginning of the year and had so many flowers and, while I appreciated the thought, I was so busy dealing with the surviving parent (both had been hospitalised with Covid) I didn't really have time to arrange them in vases or enjoy them before I had a lot of dead flowers hanging around to deal with. My best friends both bought wine and chocolate, they know me so well!

Oh and my sister in law arranged for us to have an afternoon tea delivered and gave me a beautiful framed photo of my dad.

I lost my mum a few years back and will always remember our lovely neighbour at the time leaving a pot plant on the doorstep with a card. Mum was always very fond of gardening, and normally I manage to obliterate house plants within a few months, but that one is still going strong on my kitchen windowsill 6 years later. It’s now a very welcome reminder of my lovely mum. Seriously though, just the fact that you are taking time to support your friend will mean the world to her x

Absolutely cooked meals that can be reheated. Only given one meal after DH died but stands out as I was so grateful. Felt incapable of thinking about essentials such as eating let alone cooking. Got stressed about feeding the kids microwave food but they survived 😊.

My best friend took me out for lunch a few days after I lost my mum. As she had been ill for a while and we had been caring for her, doing something "normal" was actually really good for me. I appreciate that might not be the case for everyone though - will really depend what stage your friend is at.

I sometimes take a Rose with a pertinent name. For a good friend who lost his mother recently I did a rambling rose called Mum in a Million, or similar. He planted it with her ashes underneath, so will be able to go and talk to her sometimes or just sit and remember.

He returned the gesture for me when my mother died a few weeks ago.

I've never liked cut flowers. My very personal and weird opinion is that a bouquet of cut flowers is a handful of obligations requiring hospice care.

Sitting with someone for a cup of tea, and listening to their memories of the person they've lost is very valuable if you have time.

A nice, hardy pot plant is better than cut flowers I think. One that will look nice even if your friend doesn't have the energy to tend to it for a few weeks.

Some nice ideas here (although you could probably get a cheaper equivalent in M&S / Waitrose):

thelittlebotanical.com

Food. My DH died nearly 6 months ago, I got 36 bouquets of flowers, which was lovely and a pain !

Someone I know has just lost a partner so I sent a Hello Fresh sort of box for them. Something to cook and distract them.

I wouldn’t like food.
If the freezer is full already I would be forced to eat something I hadn’t chosen within a couple of days.
Remember that some people are funny with food so unless you know them really well or ask them what they’d like I really wouldn’t.

Someone brought us a fruit cake in the early days of a bereavement. As she handed it over she explained that even if we didn't feel like eating, we might manage a bit of cake. Also something to offer the endless stream of visitors.
I have repeated that idea (with the same explanation) several times and a couple of the recipients have told me they now do similar.

Flowers are lovely and traditional but you can get too many. Maybe take flowers a few weeks down the line when the visitors tail off (the visit being more valuable than anything at that stage)

That said I think your idea is also lovely OP.

I got this and the persons wears it all the time
jomajewellery.com/a-little-angel#fo_c=3040&fo_k=f3f4e246daa9a97684e0521c8946456a&fo_s=googlecsv

Maybe a little token like that along with a meal

Cake.

What about a nice plant like a peace lily, something that won't require any work and will be a memento.

After my Dad died I most appreciated cards and phone calls, gin and chocolate
I didn’t receive any but cake, cheese, no cook stuff would’ve been lovely too
Not possible with Covid but what touched me most was how many came to his funeral including some of my work colleagues, the local pharmacist and one of his GPs receptionists also stood out as people I wouldn’t have expected to bother
At 94 he’d outlived most of his peers but still managed to fill the church

A bunch of Cook meals is always good as a practical thing for someone who may not feel up to cooking every night. They are really nice, taste properly homemade.

Food, and time.

I agree that food, wine and love was wonderful after my brother died.
I truly appreciated the flowers we received but my god, having to watch them wilt and die was just another reminder. Even now I love the look of fresh flowers but don’t want them in my house because I hate watching them die and then tossing them out.

I’ve always shown up with a home made meal, chocolate, wine and some Bach Flower rescue remedy which I’ve used since I was a tot (my mum used it for all of us) which is incredible for times of anxiety, stress or grief.

When my dad died two friends organised a rota for people to provide meals for us for a week or so. Some people cooked, some brought ready meals and some delivered a takeaway. I don't remember eating much but the love and support that arrived every day made such a difference.