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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give baby middle name

78 replies

HforHavana · 03/06/2021 12:44

Currently pregnant with DC1. DPs grandad died late last year and has said he would like his Grandads name to be the middle name if its a boy. This will be the first great grandchild and I feel as though the family are expecting it also, but I really don't want too. I feel a bit of pressure to do it and feel bad saying no to DP as the death is still quite fresh.

For context, my mum died a few years ago and I have already said if we had a girl, I wouldn't give her my mums name as a middle name. I feel like if I am not giving it my actual mums name, then why would I give it a grandparents name as harsh as that sounds.

I know this is all hypothetical as we don't even know the gender yet, but WIBU to say no middle name at all?

OP posts:
WhateverHappenedToMe · 03/06/2021 12:53

Naming the baby should be a joint decision for your nd DP. Your DP may have a deeper sense of family connection than you, or a particular connection to that grandparent. If DP has said they would like that as a middle name then I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand.

TwoAndAnOnion · 03/06/2021 12:57

It should be a discussion, not a 'no' just because you dont like it.

lynsey91 · 03/06/2021 13:00

I think middle names are pointless. I have one and never use it unless I am filling in an official form.

Chicchicchicchiclana · 03/06/2021 13:04

You don't seem to have grasped the idea that this baby coming into the world is not just yours.

Maray1967 · 03/06/2021 13:05

Why would you not though? I’m not fussed about middle names, don’t have one myself, but we did something similar. It mattered to DH so as long as it’s not a very strange name why not?

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 03/06/2021 13:08

Yes I think you ABU I'm afraid. Just because you don't want to give a potential daughter your mum's name it doesn't mean your husband doesn't want to give any potential son his grandad's name.

TidyDancer · 03/06/2021 13:11

Yes YABU I think. This clearly means something to the baby's father. You should have a conversation about this, you don't get a veto.

DeathStare · 03/06/2021 13:12

It's a middle name. It will barely be used. Yes I think you would be unreasonable to upset your DP by making an issue about something that is clearly important to him, when you'll hardly ever even be reminded of it.

Watchingthetelly · 03/06/2021 13:13

I don’t have a middle name and have never missed having one, they seem completely useless... but given they don’t mean much, why not do this since it’s important to your partner?

TwoAndAnOnion · 03/06/2021 13:13

@lynsey91

I think middle names are pointless. I have one and never use it unless I am filling in an official form.
I don't have one either, but I have a less than usual first name. If I were called Mary Smith, no middle name would be a night mare.
Whatapalavaa · 03/06/2021 13:13

YABU

Topseyt · 03/06/2021 13:13

I think your DP's request is perfectly reasonable even though I don't personally believe in the necessity of middle names.

He wants to honour his grandfather in the best way he can if the baby is a boy. I see no harm in that and would let it happen. What harm would it do? If you do have a boy and you dig your heels in here then he could justifiably resent you. Don't risk that.

TroysMammy · 03/06/2021 13:14

I don't have a middle name and I've never felt deprived except if I wanted a Mumsnet no no and wanted a personalised number plate for my car. I don't btw.

Shoppingwithmother · 03/06/2021 13:15

I don’t have a middle name and I think it’s a bit crap. I have a boring first name and no middle name- it’s almost as if my parents couldn’t be arsed! (It isn’t that - my parents are lovely!)
I think there are so many names available - why not give your child a middle name? It’s fun and much more interesting. I don’t think you should have to name it a name you don’t like because of pressure from other people, but I don’t think that means you shouldn’t give it a middle name at all.
It’s pretty trivial and I’m not sure I’d want one anyway, but it means that things like private car registrations don’t work as well if you only have two letters as your initials.
You get two number 9s after your first initial to fill in the spaces where your middle names should be on your Driving Licence and often get Xs in other things like logins, ID codes, etc.

Dora26 · 03/06/2021 13:15

Yabu

Cherrysoup · 03/06/2021 13:19

Yabu, it’s not just your decision.

BlueDucky · 03/06/2021 13:22

Unless it's a really strange name then YABU and even then it's a middle name so won't get used much. If you had a different middle name in mind then fair enough but saying no middle name instead of the one your DH wants is not a compromise.

namechange30455 · 03/06/2021 13:23

It's important to your DP. He has a right to be upset that you don't seem to care about that.

It's only a middle name - you could even give it as a second middle name. Is it really worth upsetting your partner over?

insancerre · 03/06/2021 13:24

Yabu
Ds has a middle name, named after a deceased family member and it gives me immense comfort to know that his name lives on
This baby is not just yours

Twizbe · 03/06/2021 13:26

YABU, for some people giving family names is very important.
My eldest is named after my grandfather. When we were expecting DC2 I asked hubby if he wanted to use his grandfathers name. He didn't, it just wasn't something that was as important to him

OldWomanSaysThis · 03/06/2021 13:27

I know someone without a middle name and she hates it. When she got married she starting using her maiden name as her unofficial middle name. Some forms require at least middle initial.

Not adding a middle name out of protest seems weird.

lanthanum · 03/06/2021 13:27

@lynsey91

I think middle names are pointless. I have one and never use it unless I am filling in an official form.
I suspect the main point of middle names is very often so that people can name a child after a relative without it being their main name. Those with two middle names probably have one for each side of the family, to be fair!
Peach01 · 03/06/2021 13:28

I don't like middle names but I think you need to think of the reasons why dp wants it and why you don't.
You're not giving the child a grandparents name, you'll give the child it's own name. This would be in addition to. It sounds like it's important to him for sentimental reasons. Why don't you want it? I would be opposed if it was a name I hated but other than that would consider if it meant a lot to my dp. He would do the same.

HyacynthBucket · 03/06/2021 13:29

There is a family name (man's) that gets passed down so at least one male in each generation has it as a second or third Christian name. It seems a nice tradition to me, especially to start now for someone dear to be remembered.
Also, I do family history, and cannot begin to tell you how useful it is when trying to identify which person among several with the same name, is the right one - if they have say three first names so the initials are more likely to be a unique combination.

Babyfg · 03/06/2021 13:30

Yabu I think you're being a bit mean and dismissive of a quite reasonable request. I also think people grieve and find comfort in different ways, just because you don't find comfort in giving your child your mums name doesn't mean your husband is the same.

I wanted my child to have my mums name as a middle name and it would have really hurt me if my husband outright said no.