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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give baby middle name

78 replies

HforHavana · 03/06/2021 12:44

Currently pregnant with DC1. DPs grandad died late last year and has said he would like his Grandads name to be the middle name if its a boy. This will be the first great grandchild and I feel as though the family are expecting it also, but I really don't want too. I feel a bit of pressure to do it and feel bad saying no to DP as the death is still quite fresh.

For context, my mum died a few years ago and I have already said if we had a girl, I wouldn't give her my mums name as a middle name. I feel like if I am not giving it my actual mums name, then why would I give it a grandparents name as harsh as that sounds.

I know this is all hypothetical as we don't even know the gender yet, but WIBU to say no middle name at all?

OP posts:
suspiria777 · 03/06/2021 13:30

I don't understand what your objection is. Can you try to explain again/better?
Even a "bad" middle name (like Ethel or Sibyl or Stjohn or Tarquin) doesn't have much of an impact on a child, so even IF the kid hates it it's hardly a big deal. I used to hate my middle name but I'm glad I have one. Would be a shame just to have the first name and no options.

SwimBaby · 03/06/2021 13:33

I don’t think you are being I, my DS has the name of his dead GF as his middle name and I really regret it. My DS is grown up now on the occasional time his middle name comes up he gets upset about his GF who he never met.
OP are you going to give your baby your surname?

Aprilx · 03/06/2021 13:33

I don’t have a middle name and I have always felt short changed by it and as another poster said, as if my parents couldn’t be bothered thinking of one.

That said, I know they are barely used and for that reason, I think you are being very selfish to not consider your DP’s wishes, it is his child too and to be honest, I cannot think why you would even try to veto this.

Youseethethingis · 03/06/2021 13:34

YABU. It obviously means a lot to your child's other parent and unless you've got some big massive stinker of a drip feed explaining further, you don't actually have a real reason why not.
Your child may grow up to think of it as an honour to carry his GGFs name.

PattyPan · 03/06/2021 13:34

Yabu, I don’t have a middle name and it’s annoying because I don’t particularly like my first name but I don’t have another name to go by. Give a middle name but with no family connections.

TedHastingsweeDonkey · 03/06/2021 13:35

I feel like if I am not giving it my actual mums name, then why would I give it a grandparents name as harsh as that sounds.

Why do you think your Mum's memory means more in this scenario than your husband grandparent? To you yes, of course, without a doubt, but why are you discounting his feelings? And just because you don't want to give your late Mum's name and a middle name, why shouldn't your DH consider his grandparents name as a middle name? This all seems very selfish to me without considering his feelings. YABVVVU and this should be a joint decision, not just what You want...I'm very sorry for both of your losses Thanks

Ericaequites · 03/06/2021 13:36

Children need a middle name so you can go through all three names when really annoyed. It’s also confusing on forms and such to not have a middle name.

Merryhobnobs · 03/06/2021 13:39

I really like my middle name, Rarely used but I like the family connection. My daughter has her middle name after my grandmother, my son has my husbands fathers name. Neither are used much but it was a nice way to pay respect to relatives who are no longer with us. I don't see why if one person is really keen why you wouldn't as it is unlikely to be used (unless you want to use it) but pays that little bit of respect/affection.

missymayhemsmum · 03/06/2021 13:39

You can give your child a connection to their heritage that he may value in the future and give your partner and his family and pleasure. Unless you actively dislike the name (or your partner's grandfather was a horrible man), why wouldn't you?
Fwiw dgs got his late great grandad's middle name as dd and dsil preferred it. Might this be an option?

MustardRose · 03/06/2021 13:41

Middle names aren't used day to day anyway, just when you fill in forms.
I wouldn't worry about it too much yet, to be honest.

AndroidsAliensAndWizards · 03/06/2021 13:45

@Ericaequites

Children need a middle name so you can go through all three names when really annoyed. It’s also confusing on forms and such to not have a middle name.
Why is it confusing to fill in a form if you don't have a middle name? Im the only one of my siblings who doesn't have a middle name and I've never found filling in forms confusing nor has my dd who also doesn't have a middle name.

I do love it though when my Mum rattles off my brother's full name when he's being annoying, even now he's almost 40, it makes him stop being a tit. Grin

NeedNewKnees · 03/06/2021 13:45

I don’t have a middle name nor do my children. They always seemed pointless to me.

OF COURSE you don’t need a middle initial on forms, as some bonkers PP have said. Those of us without leave it blank. Never once in 50 years had a problem with that.

I’d leave it for now - as you said, grief is fresh and a discussion will probably hurt him. Time enough to talk it through when the baby arrives. That said, it does need to be a discussion, it would be unreasonable to think it’s only your decision.

Timber54446 · 03/06/2021 13:48

Could you maybe give the baby two middle names? So he has one that you like and your dh grandfather

Maharajah20 · 03/06/2021 13:51

I hate not having a middle name!

TroysMammy · 03/06/2021 14:53

Another reason I'm glad I don't have a middle name because if I was named after my grandmother it would have been Doris.

Original poster
HforHavana · 03/06/2021 14:54

Thanks for all your replies, seems I am being unreasonable!

I don't have a middle name myself and my surname is a very common one, so I have a bog standard name which I quite enjoy as it's less hassle.
DPs surname is quite unusual and a lot of people have never heard it before. The baby will have his surname, which is also the same as his late grandad.

Iv just never really been that sentimental over names and didn't realise some people seen it as such an important thing. I haven't actually said no to DP but he has mentioned it in passing conversation so I know it's something he's thought about.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/06/2021 15:12

It seems to me that this is something you could do for your Dh, at no cost for yourself, @HforHavana. You will almost never actually use a middle name, but it will mean such a lot to your Dh.

SwimBaby · 03/06/2021 15:14

I wouldn’t do it as you’re giving your baby your DP’s and his GF’s surname.

Kpo58 · 03/06/2021 15:16

@lynsey91

I think middle names are pointless. I have one and never use it unless I am filling in an official form.
Middle names are a godsend in admin when you have 2 people with the same first and last name with similar or identical dates of birth. It happens more often than you think.
OhToBeASeahorse · 03/06/2021 15:20

I think YABU I'm afraid. Baby is his as well and a middle name isnt going to hurt you. Our DS has 2 middle names, his first one is a family.namenof DH's and his second is my maiden name. DD has one and is just a name we loved.

LuckyWookie · 03/06/2021 15:23

My friend uses her middle name in preference to her (horrible) first name. If you give a middle name I’d be prepared for the child to potentially decide to use it.

Rainyday4321 · 03/06/2021 15:30

My dd is named after my MIl who passed away shortly before she was born. I wasn’t massively close to her or fond of her (she was bonkers) but naming did after her meant a lot to my dh and his family- and it was worth it for that.

She’s still her own person and very much our dd.

A middle name- honestly is just free kindness. Why wouldn’t you?

lynsey91 · 03/06/2021 15:38

@Ericaequites

Children need a middle name so you can go through all three names when really annoyed. It’s also confusing on forms and such to not have a middle name.
Confusing on forms? What do you mean by that?

As I said, I have a middle name but don't use it. I will put it on an official form like something for HMRC but not on other forms. No confusion for me or the form receiver.

DH doesn't have a middle name and has never had a problem with forms

Velvian · 03/06/2021 15:40

Personally, I would concede on the middle name, but give the baby your last name, that would be far more important to me.

lynsey91 · 03/06/2021 15:40

@OldWomanSaysThis

I know someone without a middle name and she hates it. When she got married she starting using her maiden name as her unofficial middle name. Some forms require at least middle initial.

Not adding a middle name out of protest seems weird.

NO forms require "at least a middle initial". DH doesn't have a middle name so what would he put?

I don't bother putting my middle name on forms unless they are official ones because just what is the point?