To not give baby middle name

[HforHavana]

Currently pregnant with DC1. DPs grandad died late last year and has said he would like his Grandads name to be the middle name if its a boy. This will be the first great grandchild and I feel as though the family are expecting it also, but I really don't want too. I feel a bit of pressure to do it and feel bad saying no to DP as the death is still quite fresh.

For context, my mum died a few years ago and I have already said if we had a girl, I wouldn't give her my mums name as a middle name. I feel like if I am not giving it my actual mums name, then why would I give it a grandparents name as harsh as that sounds.

I know this is all hypothetical as we don't even know the gender yet, but WIBU to say no middle name at all?

I never liked my first name, and don't have a middle name. I regret not having an option to change to. When we named our children we chose middle names that they could also choose to use if they didn't like their given first names. So nothing weird/outlandish/ancient. No way would I have named them after any family members; that's just a minefield.

I dont think you're being either reasonable or unreasonable. Though how much would it really bother you? It's very traditional in families to pass on middle names. I do think you need to have a reasonable explanation to veto a middle name as they're not often used so probably wont affect you that much if you had nothing else that you wanted instead of what your DH wants.

I'd give him the middle name BUT give baby your surname or a double barrel.

It's traditional for baby to have the mothers surname rather than the fathers.

My Mum didn’t have a middle name - though her sister did. She always felt that she’d missed out, and didn’t understand why her parents hadn’t managed to come up with a middle name.

I did this with all my three. No middle names. I just put my surname as the middle name. All my names have no relation to family and it was asked of me to consider middle name by my in laws of older relatives. I said: no!

OP try not to see it as a name (I wouldn't say this if it was a first name but a middle name is rarely used). Your DP has something from his grandfather he wants to pass onto his child. Suppose your mum had a piece of jewellery (or something) you wanted to pass onto your child and your DP wanted to stop it because he doesn't think it's fair as he has no hereditary jewellery from his family that he wants to pass on. How would you feel?

I think you've had a hard time here, personally I said to my DH when we discussed names that I don't want DC to have any inherited names as they should have their own and I know his family all have relatives names in their names. He agreed with me.

This polices to both sides. There was a name he liked that was my GPs name so we didn't use it.

I also had a GP die whilst pregnant and we didn't use their name or any variant.

A baby is not a tribute and if you don't want to inherit a name, maybe sit down and have a full conversation. Don't take it off the table. But tell him your feelings

Give your child a middle name but refuse to give one that is the name of a relative whether they are dead or alive.

Explain that you want your child to be respected as a person in their own right and not to be a commemoration of another relation, dead or alive, as they already share that person's genes.

I explained this to my DP and he didn't make a fuss.

If your DP starts going on about his grand father you start going on about your mother until he shuts up and understands it is not happening.

Btw the usefulness of middle names is really for school, work, some social things and for things like email addresses if you have a relatively common first and last name e.g. John Smith. Having a middle name then helps distinguish you from all the other "John Smith"s.

The fact that you don't have a middle name speaks volumes about how you think this is all your choice!!

You are fine thanks so fingers up to your partner who has stated he wants something for a very good historical reason.

@LadyofMisrule

I never liked my first name, and don't have a middle name. I regret not having an option to change to. When we named our children we chose middle names that they could also choose to use if they didn't like their given first names. So nothing weird/outlandish/ancient. No way would I have named them after any family members; that's just a minefield.

Deed poll exists.

You can change your name now and add in a middle name, but it would have been easier to change your first name in your early 20s before you are established.

I am of the generation where every girl had the middle name Jane, Ann, or Louise.
My daughters have 2 middle names, each has 1 after family member (Our sisters and niece, grown up when the child was born). I like the fact that is a link to family and something for future generations to see.

@user43210 snap.

Middle names are rarely used but a nice way to carry on traditions like all the women in my family on my mother’s side have the same one and we also have the first two initials, nice as I don’t have her surname.

Or to honour parents or grandparents like I plan that our children will have my OHs parents names as middle names as he wants them to have my surname (doesn’t want them to have a EE one). Apparently they are very happy with this

There’s no real reason not to do this unless it’s a truly dreadful name, it’s up to the kid if they choose to use it or not

My mum didn't have a middle name and it always bothered her, esp as she didn't have a very nice first name so she couldn't change it. All the men on my dads side ended up using their middle names as their first names for some reason so it was good for them to have.

Children need a middle name so you can go through all three names when really annoyed.
Must be why my mother gave me two middle names

I don't mind mine, quite like them although rarely used, they are both unusual. One is my grandmothers surname, she died when my mother was twelve - the idea that I'd get upset about dead grandmother whenever my middle name is mentioned it quite bizarre.

My name is relatively unusual, but having them is a useful point of think differentiation if needed. Someone with the same name as me not famous but sort of in the public eye has started using her middle name as part of her name (not this, but bit like Sarah-Jane) we had a phase of getting each others emails and texts.

It's fine to not want to give your child a middle name, but if your partner wants to give one then it should be a discussion and you can't just say no.

I don’t know if this adds anything to this but DD1 has my mother’s name as a middle name but DD2 for various reasons didn’t have a middle name at all. She recently added MIL’s name by deed poll because it’s always annoyed her that she didn’t have one.

Good point about the child having the grandparents surname.

Was there a discussion about that? Are you happy that your baby will not have your surname?

Personally I really don’t like using children as a way to commemorate or ‘honour’ other relatives. Why should they go through life with a name that you wouldn’t have chosen anyway?

Do you actually like the name? Is it a name that will always require spelling / explanation? Because middle names are only ever used for official things do standing in the bank or GP spelling it out...

I have no middle name, certainly don’t miss it.

But tread carefully because your Dp will probably be feeling very emotional and sentimental.

In dh's family baby boys have their dad's name as a middle name. I wasn't keen as baby ds would have his surname anyway but as it was very important to him I agreed. I am not a fan in general of middle names, I think it is a unnecessary faff but to some people they are important especially if being used to honour those no longer here. Both parents should have a say over naming a baby, if you strongly object that is fine and he should accept that but yabu to not even consider it.

Definitely give your dc your own surname imo.
That's more important.

My youngest son has my Dad's name as middle name as he dies a year before son was born. He has favourite uncles name as his second middle name too. Why upset your DH and his whole family over something you don't even care about? Could you do a compromise you chose first name in exchange for having middle name of his GD?

People have been a bit harsh here, my husband has his Dad's name and it's bloody awful, think along the lines of Cyril, a name that is very old fashioned and not likely to make a comeback, yes it's hardly used but did cause a murmur of giggles at our wedding and was something he got teased a bit over throughout the years.

A bad middle name is worth as much as no middle name.

When his Dad dies he will be remembered by things he did in his life, heirlooms and photographs not because of dh's middle name

I think the best thing about a middle name is that it “future proofs” your choice of name to some extent. Imagine my DD was Alice Louise Wimpole. And then that another Alice Wimpole became a mass murderer/a well known character on a soap opera or whatever. She could switch to be known as Louise Wimpole without any fuss or fandango whatsoever. (I know that you can change your name by deed poll - but I know from having worked with someone who did this that it can raise eyebrows. He had quite a high powered job in finance and was often required to declare “other names formerly used”. Someone quite openly told him they’d thought he’d done it due to fraud. Whereas Alice Wimpole can become Louise Wimpole without requiring any new documentation at all.)

I think the OP has had a hard time, the baby is already getting the DP’s and his GF’s surname. If it was me I’d use that surname as a middle name and the baby would be having my surname. No way would I use the fathers’s surname unless I was married.

It feels improper not to give a middle name. 2 would be better. How about a middle name of your choosing then the relatives name.