AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

[Sunflowers095]

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

Dh and i were discusing this . We love ours to bita and have invested so much in them emotionally . However, this has probably been to the detriment of our relationship if i am utterly honest.
We both had very doffi ult childhoods with absent parents . We have overcompensated . I have no frame of reference for motherhood and sometimes feel lost. My pal who had a great.mum.says oh mum.wd and it makws things easy amd gives her confidence. It has been a massive struggle for us to fight our demons so that we do not pass them.on to the next generation . I would consider your background prior to.parenting if you have any of these issues. My brother chose not to have kids for this reason.
There was simply no emotional.room . My dh agrees that rhos was the case for.us .
Saying this we are v v proud of our kids and we feel that whilst we have suffered ourselves it is amazing to see lovley young people flourish in a better enviroment than we had and it feels.an honour to see what life couild hav been like for us amd to.celabrate it.

For the first year I might have said no. Now I would say yes.

I would start sooner and have more! I have 2 but didn't have my first until I was 32 and the second pregnancy was really tough because I was older. I would love another but didn't want to be wiped out or risk things going wrong. I would tell my mid 20's self to get a wriggle on!

@Sunflowers095. What makes you want to be childfree?
It’s a big choice isn’t it? I’ve also had this internal debate.

@Billandben444

Hmmm sound a bit judgy and smug to be honest about your friends

No

My children are hugely important to me in fact my sole focus except work but I had no idea what I was doing having kids.

I have a lot of historical trauma that really impacts my ability to parent. I was transfixed on being able to do a better job with my kids than was done for me. Reality has been intense suicidal depression for most of my kids lives, I'm constantly triggered and re triggered ( in the proper sense) by every aspect of parenting. Abusive marriage, divorce, very challenging children plus the above isn't good. While I love my children totally, I hate life and my choices. Feel they were made in the best intentions. I'm sorry kids for the fuck up I made ☹️.

I would add that despite this the kids are incredible and I'm so proud of them. I wish I was a better parent, the one they need, the one I needed and still need.

When I was in my teens, there were all sorts of things I wanted to do with my life, but being a parent was top of the list. In a couple of years grom now, the last will leave home, and I won’t be happy about that.

Nothing in my life has brought me anything like as much joy (and stress, and exhaustion, and anxiety, but, crucially, joy). Given a magic wand, I might change some circumstances - ill-health, distressing events - but I wouldn’t change the decision to have them. I’ve never regretted it.

(And I’m not an only-see-them-at-bedtime Dad, by the way.)

I absolutely would do it again. DS is amazing.

But I’d do a lot differently. We had loads of stuff go wrong for us and I ended up with PND, so I’d probably ensure we’d already moved closer to family before we had him, and did a lot differently, but there’s no way I could ever be without him now.

In fairness to any other new Mum: this is not the answer I would probably have given before 7 months when he started sleeping (after sleep training).

Probably a no from me. The constant worry is crippling.

@gindreams

@Billandben444
Hmmm sound a bit judgy and smug to be honest about your friends

Not at all, this is what they've both said and we were asked to give reasons.

I don't know. It's essentially a slog with only glimpses of being OK. Not much joy in this house!

Yeah the worry is 😫
And there’s always something. I took them out for the day yesterday. Dc1 shoes started rubbing so they were stopping every three seconds and then I ended up going and getting them new shoes. Then dc2 was wailing because they didn’t get new shoes. Then we went to the museum, where we’d been planning to go to and that was fine but they were moaning they were bored after about half an hour. It was specifically for children so it wasn’t like I was dragging them round some boring adult place. So we came out of there. Went for a drink and ice cream. Dc2 dropped ice cream. Had to go and join massive queue again for another one. Can see dc1 winding up dc2 the whole time I’m in the queue which is stressing me out.
I mean I suppose it was ok overall but I spent a ton of money and dc1 told me theyd rather have played fifa all day. This basically sums up my parenting experience. If I only had dc2 it would have been very different, unfortunately dc1 spoils a lot of stuff for them. Dc2 would have stayed in the museum quite happily. Dc1 has adhd. It is Hard Work and it is thankless most of the time.

Me and DH decided to stay childfree and have never ever regretted it. Best decision we ever made.

Almost all our friends with children say if they could go back in time they would not have any. Most of them are divorced and say having children caused the problems.

They almost all have grown up children and even grandchildren and yet still seem to always have grief and hassle from them.

We don't have some exciting life travelling round the world or eating out every night like some people with children think the childfree do but we are very very happy.

Now in out 60's and been married 40 happy years. We are so glad we didn't bring children into this shit world. I worry about our nieces and nephews and what the future holds for them. I would not want to be responsible for actually bringing children into it

No I don’t think I would but my eldest is severely disabled and as much as I love him I know I’ll be looking after him until I no longer can. I feel guilty for bringing him into the world and guilty that I know there will never be a Time in my life when my kids have all flown the nest and I can do nice stuff again. Even if he lives elsewhere at some point I’ll be thinking and worrying about him. So for me no I definitely would not have children again.

Yes I would absolutely make the same choice, I cannot imagine what my life would be like without them; but I know that I'm lucky in that my children are easy to like. It's nothing to do with nurture it's nature so no credit to me.

I wish I'd started earlier but if I had done so they wouldn't have had the same dad. I think I would have allowed my over-bearing family to influence me more and I'd have been (depending on my age) less financially secure.
If it had been the first pregnancy 'scare' I would have been totally skint, with an alcoholic partner, reliant on family for help and so would have had to dance to their tune.

I did everything I wanted to do before having children: all the travel, partying, lie-ins, spur-of-the-moment stuff. Career.

I just wish that it was okay in our society for women to say they don't want children. I wanted a family for years (but the desire to have them didn't kick-in until I was 30) and I was and am always relieved when women say they didn't want children.
Or that they realised that it was a choice and decided they couldn't have the career they really wanted and have a family.

I felt so sorry for Theresa May when she kept being badgered with questions in that regard. She couldn't win: if she'd said she'd never wanted them she'd be regarded as cold. Instead she had to opt for being pitied.

I wish we could change that.

Pinkylemons

God, yes. I thought I’d enjoy being a parent, but I had absolutely no clue how much I’d love it. To be fair he’s only a toddler so my experience is limited, but every time I so much as look at him I’m in awe of the fact that he’s mine. It still feels too good to be true. He’s a dream come true.

My mum always said to me don’t have kids, she had three and said if she could have had her time again she wouldn’t have. There was a lot more social pressure in the eighties and it was just assumed you’d have them. I really felt for her, she was an amazing mum but I know she felt she’d have been happier child free.

@Choices21

I debated this long and hard in life. I’m 99% sure I’ll be childfree. There is always that wondering but you just don’t know how it will be if you roll the dice and decide to have a child. It’s a huge responsibility. Massive! It seems like very hard work all of the time.

But I realise it’s joyous too.
What’ is making you sway?

I think my reasons for being potentially child free are stronger than for having children. Not very maternal, didn't enjoy working as a nanny, I don't have a lot of patience. My own relationship with my parents isn't great, I'm also quite an anxious person and would probably prefer a stress free life. I also have a step sibling with SN (she will never be independent) and I worry for her and can't imagine worrying like that for my own child if it happened.

I'm very career driven and wouldn't want to give that up, once I work my way up the ladder and make good money I feel like having kids would just mean spending that money on childcare and kids instead of enjoying it. I'm still quite young (mid 20s) but I'm thinking about this now because if I do get this biological urge I'm worried I might make the wrong decision based purely on emotions.

The only reasons "for" I have right now is the claims I've heard of the unconditional love, how it's worth it, etc. I'm also aware being childfree really reduces the dating pool, although I would never have a child just based on that.

I also need to add, being brutally honest, for me it's not a case of 'no love like it'. I love them but I love many other things/people in life too. My life would have been perfectly ok if I'd never experienced motherly love at all.

I'd do it again. It's been a great experience. Having said that, I would have been absolutely fine and had a great life if for whatever reason I hadn't had them.

Well when you look at it logically OP, there are no reasons to have children in this day and age, except for the biological urge.

If you don’t have that urge, the pro-con list is all cons, unless you’re willing to gamble on “love like no other” being worth it.

The problem for you is, some people get that urge out of nowhere quite late on. I seem to have dodged that bullet so far, as I’m 39. Could still happen though, I suppose.

@Billandben444

Yes, definitely. I have teenage grandchildren as well and they all bring me such joy. Friends who decided not to have children when the rest of us did, had wonderful holidays etc but both were widowed early and now, in their 70s, admit to missing having family at the end of a phone. I have no regrets at all.

That often makes me wonder, the companionship when you're older. But I guess what I tell myself is that my child could die before me or we could have a strained relationship and little contact anyway.

If I was wealthy enough to not worry about many things, had a DP who would truly do 50/50 and could be promised a healthy child who will grow into an adult who I'll have a great relationship with - I would probably say yes. But it feels like such a gamble on all of the above so it's so difficult to decide!

Yes I love being a mum. I'd have started earlier and had more if I could go back.

I'm happily child free and if I went back in time I would make the same decision again. I have never felt the urge and now I am getting too old. DH and I have a lovely life and I have never felt any lack. I'm not any sort of aunty figure to anyone either. I enjoy my career and supporting/mentoring younger members of staff fulfills any minuscule need I have to 'care' for anyone.