AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

[Sunflowers095]

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

I was never ever ever going to have children and loved my life pre child.

I met my DH late and had DD at 37.

She is the light of my life and my reason for living.

But one is quite enough, we have a lovely almost pre child life with just one to juggle.

I would also have been happy without. I had a lovely life then too.

There’s no love like it - but is that a good thing? It doesn’t actually make up for all the shit that goes along with it imo. Yes I love them more than anything but they don’t bring me peace.

I'm still quite young (mid 20s) but I'm thinking about this now because if I do get this biological urge I'm worried I might make the wrong decision based purely on emotions

Honestly you are too young to be giving it this much thought. It’s not relevant to your life and you seem like you have other stuff to focus on anyway

I would always advise anyone to think about it really really carefully. I was driven by hormones and that’s just how it often is but I have already started saying to my dd that there are other choices - you don’t have to have dc. Or only have one. One is good.
I had one dc and then was almost immediately under pressure by everyone I’d ever met - plus some random strangers when our places - to have another. Two was absolutely my tipping point and has really made me very unwell. It’s a shame because dc2 is easy in comparison to dc1 - it’s the managing of both.

Child free by choice and would not change it. I was worried for a few years that my biological clock would kick in and I'd have a sudden change of heart but I'm now closer to 40 than 30 and still have zero desire to have kids so it was the right choice for me.

OP is really not too young to be giving it this much thought - so many people in this thread have wished they’d given it more thought.

Children are a major aspect of financial and relationship planning.

I knew in my early twenties that I didn’t want any, and my decision led to the breakup of a long term relationship, because he wanted them. What if I had dithered, or not given it all full consideration? We might have ploughed on and made terrible mistakes. As it is, he is now married with two children and I have a happily child free husband.

unflowers095

Billandben444
Yes, definitely. I have teenage grandchildren as well and they all bring me such joy. Friends who decided not to have children when the rest of us did, had wonderful holidays etc but both were widowed early and now, in their 70s, admit to missing having family at the end of a phone. I have no regrets at all.
That often makes me wonder, the companionship when you're older. But I guess what I tell myself is that my child could die before me or we could have a strained relationship and little contact anyway.

If I was wealthy enough to not worry about many things, had a DP who would truly do 50/50 and could be promised a healthy child who will grow into an adult who I'll have a great relationship with - I would probably say yes. But it feels like such a gamble on all of the above so it's so difficult to decide!

this almost exactly makes me question myself too!

If you'd asked me last year, I'd have said no. I had just lost a baby in the second trimester and the pain of losing her was too much. I honestly wished I was one of the many women who do not want children.
Now, I can happily say yes, I would definitely have children again, even knowing the unhappiness having them, and losing one of them, has brought. The happiness, pride and love definitely outweigh the sad times. They are fantastic and have been the making of me - I am a better person thanks to my children because they forced me to face and work on my bad sides.

@TheLeadbetterLife

OP is really not too young to be giving it this much thought - so many people in this thread have wished they’d given it more thought.

Children are a major aspect of financial and relationship planning.

I knew in my early twenties that I didn’t want any, and my decision led to the breakup of a long term relationship, because he wanted them. What if I had dithered, or not given it all full consideration? We might have ploughed on and made terrible mistakes. As it is, he is now married with two children and I have a happily child free husband.

She’s not in any kind of relationship so it’s kind of just a navel-gazey thought exercise.

Absolutely. The only thing I would change is the timing, I had my children in my early 20s and I wish I had waited until my 30s and been financially secure before starting a family.

She’s not in any kind of relationship so it’s kind of just a navel-gazey thought exercise.

Right, so if she decides she doesn't want them, she needs to adjust her dating prospects accordingly.

I never liked babies but always thought I'd have children - although I never felt broody or anything. Eventually realised at 37 it was now or never and now have a 9 month dd. Well, she is absolutely great and I really enjoy having a baby, I've done a complete u-turn! Of course it's been difficult at times but she's a very easy baby, happy and contented, sleeps well etc so I've been lucky. The worst thing for me is worrying about something happening to her, it's a sort of anxiety that I've never really felt before. But if I could do things again I'd do the same, I really made the most of my pre-baby life and I'm glad I waited.

Now I'm sitting on the fence about a second - I quite like the idea of another baby but I think it would be insanely stressful trying to juggle a baby and a toddler, especially if the next baby wasn't as easy as her. And the impact on our finances, holidays, my work etc would be much bigger. It feels like it would be a real gamble.

See I really dislike the posts wherein people say things like "if ever I question my choices I just look at my friend/neighbour/cousin who wishes she had children" and I feel better.
Whether you realise it or not it is smug.

Or "my friends (look up the definition of friend) have fabulous holidays, etc, but she started crying when she saw how beautiful my children were .. blah blah blah".

I just so wish we didn't have to do this.

And if childless or child-free women do the same "if ever I start to wonder if I should have had them, I look at my friend who looks like shit, is basically just a drudge .." etc etc they are given a terrible time.

Sunflower please don't have them as insurance for old age. It's not the right reason.

I don’t regret it at all and I would never change it. I feel grateful every days. But I can’t articulate why because life is worse by virtually all objective measures since I had a child. I’ve got less money, less time, I’m fatter and uglier, I get less sleep, I have less sex with my husband, balancing my career and home is stressful, my house looks like a bomb hit it... the list goes on.

But I’m about ten million times happier and more comfortable with myself than before I had him. And I can’t explain why.

Sorry, I don’t think that’s very helpful.

Yes, assuming with same partner. It's weird thinking of it though as I have one child with a mosaic condition that massively impacted his early life and still does at 6. Even if it were the same egg and sperm getting jiggy, it would be unlikely the same medical condition would arise. I often wonder who he'd be if he'd been a typical child.
Then I had identical twins so I'm not sure again even with same egg and sperm if it would still split. I wonder who they'd be if they were just one as they're already so opposite

And tbh I feel sorry for those who never get to experience such unconditional love towards another human being

God, not this faux-sympathy thing again. Yawn.

@Sunflowers095

Good mix of answers so far, thank you! I'm leaning towards child free but it feels like this huge irreversible choice either way which seems very scary. Equally any child free people who regret/don't regret their choice please feel free to post :)

But OP, with respect, other people’s regrets, if they have them, are completely irrelevant to your decision. And as a former longtime fencesitter, I absolutely sympathise with the feeling of the irreversibility of the decision, but the fact is, parenthood is a strongly individualised experience, and the differentiating things include things like personality, health, MH, what your current life is like (I used to move countries ever couple of years before having DS), and what if any changes you would need to make for a child, your wealth or poverty, your living conditions, whether you would be parenting with a supportive partner, how flexible/family friendly your/your partner’s work is, whether you have a supportive circle of family and friends, as well as the child or children you have — health, being NT or not, personality, suitability to mainstream education etc etc.

I recognise very little of what I read on here about parenthood, good and bad, which isn’t surprising, because I’m only parenting my specific child in my specific life. Fundamentally, I thought about it dispassionately for some time, but made a leap of faith.

@HarryDavidj

See I really dislike the posts wherein people say things like "if ever I question my choices I just look at my friend/neighbour/cousin who wishes she had children" and I feel better. Whether you realise it or not it is smug.

Or "my friends (look up the definition of friend) have fabulous holidays, etc, but she started crying when she saw how beautiful my children were .. blah blah blah".

I just so wish we didn't have to do this.

And if childless or child-free women do the same "if ever I start to wonder if I should have had them, I look at my friend who looks like shit, is basically just a drudge .." etc etc they are given a terrible time.

I just assume they're kidding themselves to be honest. I've certainly never burst into tears at the sight of a child, and I don't even go on fabulous holidays (can't afford it) and don't have a marvellous career.

My life would actually be very compatible with children (except for my nice house full of non-toddler friendly things), but I prefer to keep my sanity.

My biggest regret is not starting a family age 22. I met DH at 20, and his job provides accommodation, so it would have been easy. Everyone said I should be independent and build a career, so I instead of following DH I got a city job and did a long distance relationship for a decade.

The job in the city was shit. Now I finally have a child and she is amazing, I love my life and being a sahm. But I’m unable to have any more kids because my body decided early thirties was the end of the road for my fertility (tried ivf the drugs don’t work on me). The city career has no interest in employing middle aged women after a career break, so even if I wanted to go back that door is closed. The decade in the city was pointless except I have a slightly bigger house than I might otherwise have done.

I would have loved a big family and I’m angry that no one tells young women how awesome children are.

Genuinely I don’t know. Two of my children have asd and adhd and the youngest of the two is non verbal, has medical issues and a learning difficulty on top of the asd and adhd. Life has been very hard for us all.

I think so but would have stopped at one. I love my children despite the fact they also annoy me but think if I'd just had one I'd have more time, energy and money
I have a few friends with just one and they go on some brilliant holidays and never seem as tired as I am!

Yes!

It is hard work of course, but they genuinely enrich my life. They make me a better person. My children changed me for the better and I genuinely don’t know what I’d do with my time if I didn’t have them. They have given a reason to my life, a desire to be better, be healthier, live longer, be kinder, embrace what life has to offer. Their happiness is infectious and I am so grateful to have them.

Absolutely, yes. And crucially, I'd have the courage to do it alone.

I have three - 13, 11 and 1. No regrets.
I do regret having the older two with my first husband though!