Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

304 replies

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:16

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

OP posts:

Namechangecosguilty · 03/06/2021 22:04

@Sunflowers095

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

Probably wouldn't. More for their sake than mine, I'm a crap parent and I feel guilty all the time that I've involved another human in my misery.

Drunkenmonkey · 03/06/2021 22:09

Yes, but would have started earlier, and had more. I would have started at 28 and had 4. I love love love being a mum. I absolutely didn't think I would before having them so it came as a surprise to me (and my family actually as I wasn't remotely maternal)

DisneyMillie · 03/06/2021 22:14

Not sure - can’t imagine life without them and love them more than anything but both my marriages went seriously down hill after having a baby - first one in retrospect I could have anticipated, second not a clue. It’s caused me a lot of heartache and I sometimes wonder if everything would have been happier in that respect if I’d have chosen a child free life. Plus I’m not sure I’m the greatest mum - I hope I’m good enough for them though

Saracen · 03/06/2021 22:21

Yes, and I would have stopped at two. I ended up with just two, having left it too late to fall pregnant again despite trying. I am now really glad DC3 didn't happen, because DC2 needs a lot of my attention.

Beaudalaire · 03/06/2021 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request.

iduno · 03/06/2021 22:37

Absolutely.

I've always known I wanted to be a mum. It is harder than I imagined and actually having a second has been a lot harder than expected too!

It's also brilliant and I wouldn't be without them. They bring so much joy to my life and I was quite bored before they came along. I wouldn't mind a couple of "bored" days now for a break 😆

I feel like everything I've done in my early adult life was with a view to having a family. It drove me to study and work hard to get myself a gd career and well paid job. I wanted to still be able to afford my nice life, holidays, cars, house. Childcare and go part time.

I do have a friend that says if she had known then what she knows now she wouldn't have had any.

TheSoapyFrog · 03/06/2021 22:40

No, I wouldn't. I never wanted children. I wasn't supposed to be able to conceive, but I did, and thought it was some kind of divine intervention, so I carried on the pregnancy. I had twins, one of whom is disabled. I'm a single mother. I lost my job, my home, my independence, my whole life as i knew it. I went from having a fantastic job, a lovely home and endless potential to being a single mum in a council on benefits because I can't find suitable child care for my disabled son and I have no family help. I haven't slept properly in years, I haven't had any time to myself, I didn't even get to enjoy the newborn stage because there were two of them. Everything is hard. Going to the shop for a pint of milk is impossible.
The strangest thing is that I adore my children and can't bear the thought of a life without them.
But, if it's a case of going back in time, I wouldn't have had children

TheMatryoshka · 03/06/2021 22:47

@TheSoapyFrog
I can't think of anything to say but I admire you so much for being brave enough to say that and for everything you do

getyourfreakon · 03/06/2021 22:52

Yes, absolutely. I have one and lost two afterwards. If anything I just wish I'd been able to have the babies I lost. I know I'll always think what if as I continue to age. DD has been the highlight of my life. Wish I'd had more. It's not going to be on the cards now.

TheMatryoshka · 03/06/2021 22:55

I've been thinking about this thread all day, it's the first time I've ever admitted "out loud" that I possibly wouldn't have had children if I could do it again. I've already mentioned the burden of loving them so much while they are grown and so far away (my response to this thread would have been TOTALLY different when they were little).
I realised today that they are literally keeping me alive, literally as in, if it wasn't for the impact it would have on them I wouldn't be here. It's a whole different burden, I love them so much I can't fuck their lives up but it means I have no choice but to keep going. Things feel hard today for many reasons and I just want to disappear but I will keep up the pretence for them because they mean more to me than I do. Fuck I realise how mad that sounds but it's the truth

HarryDavidj · 04/06/2021 07:39

TheSoapyFrog i wish I could give you some actual fliowers, rather than virtual ones. Or better still a break.
Your post makes me really hope and pray that there is something else after this, so that you get your reward in the end.

LeSquigh · 04/06/2021 09:42

No, I would absolutely not have children again if I could have my time over. Whilst I love them dearly, I hate everything with regards to looking after them, playing with them, cooking food that they don't eat, sorting their shit out etc etc. I find it extremely mundane. I do have quite bad mental health since becoming a parent and whilst that improved after a few years of my first I stupidly had another one and I have never been the same since.

PrincessConsuela12 · 04/06/2021 09:48

Yes without a doubt. My DD is only a year old & her being born in lockdown was hard but when I look at her or hold her I feel happiness I've never experienced before

Wineisrequired · 04/06/2021 10:21

I have never regretted having my son who is now 17 . Being a single mum is the toughest job I’ve ever done but I wouldn’t change any of it .

EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2021 10:34

Yes definitely.
There have been moments when I doubted my choices before DS diagnosis however they're the best people I know, they bring me joys they're great.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2021 10:37

I do have quite bad mental health since becoming a parent and whilst that improved after a few years of my first I stupidly had another one and I have never been the same since.
It gets better. I could have written that 6 months ago. My second hurt my MH far more than my first he is 6 now. Thank fuck

Dancingbinbags · 04/06/2021 11:54

My second is 5 and it’s still awful.
I’ve felt anxious from the moment she was born and to be honest there are many days I’d sooner not carry on. But the catch is, I have to, because I have dc! I wouldn’t have them again knowing what I know now. It has been ruinous for me. I constantly feel on edge, worn out, stressed, on the verge of tears, trapped, I don’t enjoy anything. I get up in the morning, wait for the day to be over, and go back to bed.

Choices21 · 04/06/2021 12:01

@Dancingbinbags. I’m so sorry you feel like this. Do you have support? What do you think has caused these feelings?

Dancingbinbags · 04/06/2021 12:05

Life just feels like a treadmill of misery I suppose.
All week I get up early, sort the dc, go to work, finish work, deal with everyone’s dinner / homework / bedtime, collapse into bed. Rinse and repeat. Weekends I don’t have to be as early but I don’t get any break either.
It’s just how relentless it is. I take them out and try and do nice things with them and they moan and it’s just hard work. I suppose selfishly I feel like where is my time to enjoy something, to do something where someone isn’t wanting something from me, asking me for something.
Maybe I was just too selfish to have them. The lack of space makes me feel very anxious.

Choices21 · 04/06/2021 12:15

That’ does sound very relentless. I hope it lightens as they get older. I feel for you. Own time and space is needed. Have you got support to give you time away for even a few hours?
Suppose that’s the thing with children. You can’t try before you buy! If only.....

Sceptre86 · 04/06/2021 13:09

It might be taboo in real life but not on mumsnet. There are often posts where the mum regrets having kids. Some posters are sympathetic others can be harsh.

For myself, yes I would. It is difficult at times especially when I had 2 under 2 but it did get easier and they are a real joy. So much so that we are expecting a third. You can't really prepare yourself for the challenges because you don't know exactly what you will face or what your child will be like, or your own health will be like but it would be and is stupid to go into parenthood without putting any thought into it. For example division of chores, childcare, whether your ideals are similar in relation to bringing up kids are really important.

randomlyLostInWales · 04/06/2021 14:03

Yes - but I'd always wanted them and despite it being hard at times I've usually enjoyed them.

However if I couldn't have the same children I don't know I'd have same number - while I'd love to put fact our children tend to get on down to our parenting a lot of it's their persoanlites and siblings that don't get on can be very wearing. You don't know what you'll get as it were or how you'll feel about the huge lifestyle changes.

I also can't say I'd have same number anyway. We stopped despite thinking about another because of appalling pg and postnatal care that left me and the baby at unnecessary risk. Though if I'd be completely aware how much impact third would have on childcare costs and career impacts I might have re-thought that as well.

I wouldn't have wanted to do it alone - though I know many women do - and I would have hoped for more external support that we ever got.

It's a huge gamble - I know women who had one child and really regretted despite huge amounts of support and one even having a whole career around young children.

You've no idea what you'll get as it were and no idea how you'll feel about any of it including any huge lifestyle changes and there's no real way of knowing before hand either.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 04/06/2021 21:40

I would 100% have kids. If anything I'd start earlier, hopefully avoid the fertility issues I had and manage a third.

EmeraldShamrock · 04/06/2021 23:02

@Dancingbinbags it is tough stuck on the wheel. I hope it gets easier or you win the lottery.
Each year gives a bit more relief.

LemonSherbetFancies · 04/06/2021 23:05

I would have had more. I'm sad DP and I couldn't have had our own child together but we are both in our fifties now.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Swipe left for the next trending thread