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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask - if you could go back in time would you still decide to have children?

304 replies

Sunflowers095 · 02/06/2021 22:16

I know parents love their kids and it's not a question of regret. But knowing what you know now, if you could go back in time (pre-children) and assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again - would you decide to become a parent? If so, why/why not?

I feel like it can be a taboo topic and can often lead to unrealistic expectations of parenthood. As a fence sitter I'd be keen to hear everyone's opinions :)

OP posts:
Coasterfan · 03/06/2021 18:25

100%, being a mum was the making of me, my two have enhanced my life more than anything and I love the life we have. I was never maternal and had no experience of children, none of my friends or family had them. My only regret is not having a third!

Popcornbetty · 03/06/2021 18:25

'How do people even get to the decision they want children?! I’ve been on the fence for years! It’s really stressing me out to be honest. The replies here are mixed for having children but all good for not.'

Feeling broody for a baby and like somebody was missing mainly! I don't think you ever quite feel 'ready' but i certainly knew i wanted a child and that was after years of not wanting dc!
As for mixed reviews i guess people who don't have dc by choice don't regret it because they're happy with their lifestyle hence choosing not to have them. Having dc is more mixed because you don't know what child you will get, how you'll find parenting and so many unknowns and it is a gamble really i think. I know for me personally I'm so much happier with dc than without and can say this for a fact having experienced both so my gamble thankfully paid off.

Mapel99 · 03/06/2021 18:37

No I wouldn't. As much as I love my DD beyond words, the sacrifices and loss of myself haven't been worth becoming a mother.

riotlady · 03/06/2021 19:12

I would for sure. It’s hard and it’s maddening but it’s brought so much joy to my life

Choices21 · 03/06/2021 19:19

It’ takes my breath away speaking about it.

@Popcornbetty. Good point.

SlugsAreBastards · 03/06/2021 19:26

I have 4 and I would have the same ones again definitely despite how much hard they’ve been and how my career hit the skids when one was diagnosed with ASD and a learning disability but I would have put the fear of god into them at a young age so they were better behaved and did as they were told.

Ideally in a time without internet, gaming, smart phones and iPads!

again2020 · 03/06/2021 19:40

Yes, although I might not have always said that.
My DD is my best friend and I'm so proud of the person she is becoming. She's also hilarious and sweet and the love is immeasurable.
However, it comes at a price. I had a severe mental illness after her and my relationship may never recover, plus the ILs think differently of me now. I don't really want a second.
I can't imagine life without DD even though I wasn't desperate for children and loved my childfree life.

diamondpony80 · 03/06/2021 19:46

I've definitely had to sacrifice things I would've wanted for myself in life, but I'd still have kids again in a heartbeat. And probably one more. They trump everything I've missed out on, and now that DS is 17 and nearly ready to start living his own life, I feel like I haven't had long enough with him!

thereisonlyoneofme · 03/06/2021 20:36

I have never wanted children, Ive never even held a baby. I think given the choice my mother wouldnt have had me (only child) and i think there are a lot of women out there now in their 70s and 80s that would not have had kids if given the choice

Pyewackect · 03/06/2021 20:42

Hmmmmmm ................. probably.

Mahrezis · 03/06/2021 20:47

No.

Chocolateandamaretto · 03/06/2021 20:47

If I could change anything I’d have the same kids 10 years later. I love them dearly and I wouldn’t want to have children that weren’t them but having children young has made it hard to establish the career I wanted for myself and now in my early 30s I am feeling frustrated with my lack of professional progress and I do feel like my kids have massively impacted that. I think there needs to be a lot more focus on the expectation that women can have it all and the what we are telling teenagers about how to progress in the world of work especially when you have kids.

Chocolateandamaretto · 03/06/2021 20:50

Oh and I agree with the pp who said ideally in a time pre iPads/social media, and I’d expand that to include in a time when benign neglect was much more encouraged!

JSL52 · 03/06/2021 20:57

No. Absolutely not. I struggled massively.
I quite admire women who decide not to and don't feel they should have kids for husbands or society's expectations.

PumpkinPie2016 · 03/06/2021 20:57

I would, but had you asked me few years ago, the answer would probably have been no Blush

My son was(is) very much loved and wanted but a traumatic birth left me with postnatal anxiety. He was a difficult baby until 18 months which didn't help. Looking back, I was in a dark place for the first 18 months of his life and I wish that I had reached out for help instead of struggling. I feel very guilty, like I don't think I loved him enough when he was a baby Sad

Things got infinitely better after 18 months. He's 7 now and he is my world. I love watching him grow/learn and feel so proud to have him. I have school holidays off with him and love having time to spend doing things with him. I couldn't imagine not having him.

Bigoldmachine · 03/06/2021 21:06

They’re the joy of my life. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel incredibly grateful that I get to be their mum.

I mean it is bloody hard, relentless, frustrating too. But i would 100% do it again, no doubts.

Camomila · 03/06/2021 21:16

Yes definitely, and we've had a tough day self-isolating, and been vomited on twice. Totally worth it for the feeling when they fall asleep on your shoulder (DS2) or how happy they get over simple things like microwave hot chocolate (DS1) :)

Twattergy · 03/06/2021 21:18

I would do. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have DS now I'd be a very depressed 46 year old. I had a very fulfillinglife before having him and did not have a maternal urge. It was a v rational decision to try for a baby. First 3years were the hardest thing I've ever done and I did worry I'd made wrong decision. Now, however, I feel like he is one of the few 'real' things in my life that has actual meaning. As a woman the experience of bearing and rearing a child is a privilege to go through. My life is much richer for him.

JackieTheFart · 03/06/2021 21:24

Yes I would, but I think I would wait a bit longer.

It’s a very weird feeling to think that I could have my time again but wouldn’t have the same kids - it’s totally irrational and makes next to no sense but it kind of upsets me!

shouldistop · 03/06/2021 21:25

Yes, I love my kids so much, they really have made our lives better and more complete. I really enjoy being a mum (most of the time)

4fingerKitKat · 03/06/2021 21:26

100%

I never even particularly wanted children. They’re the source of most of my stress, upset, irritation and anger. But I would be so much less fulfilled without them. It’s like they arrived and I felt something click, like “ah, this is the point of it all”.

thisisfineihavewine · 03/06/2021 21:30

If I got the same DS1 - yes I 100% would have him again in a heartbeat

DS2 I'm not so sure about right now. He was a shock pregnancy and I didn't want another DC, but also didn't want an abortion (fuck you contraceptive pill) I'm in the newborn fug though, and I really detest the baby stage - so ask me again in a year!

assuming you wouldn't get the same DC's again if I didn't get the same DC again, then fuck no.

Youarenothere · 03/06/2021 21:46

Yeah I would but I’d have liked to have more money to hire a nanny 😂

Puddycatfan · 03/06/2021 21:57

Don't have them, never wanted them, and thankfully had a hysterectomy last year so no longer have to put up with arseholes asking me if I'm going to have one. Wouldn't change it for anything...

Fernando072020 · 03/06/2021 21:57

All I wanted was to be a mum. We went through infertility and a MMC. Then I had my DS and the first 4 months were dreadful, another 2 months of getting over the first 4. Then it got better. my son is 11 months now and he's the best little thing ever in my world.
Parenting however was just not how I imagined. I'm still early on, but the baby stage was not what I pictured and I had a rough start. I originally wanted 3 children. Husband wanted 2. Now we are both happy stick with 1 and if I could go back, I'd still have 1.
But I know I would've been happy without children too. Great husband, we travel a lot, I have hobbies I feel very happy doing and a career path I enjoy.