AIBU to hate being a SAHM?

[MrsPandigital]

I feel so ungrateful for saying this, as I know some people would probably dream of being a SAHM. But I hate it. So damn much!

It's sooooo boring and my brain feels unused. I love my daughter(1.5years old) but my gosh, she is exhausting and relentless. Really difficult to get to nap, really high maintenance.

I left work because I was a secondary maths teacher and hated it, even more so after returning from maternity leave and lesson planning / marking etc ate into evenings and weekends.

So AIBU for hating being a SAHM?

Could you go back part time or work as a substitute occasionally. It's hard I know.

Yabu for starting a thread which will be a clarion call the anti SAHM brigade.

God, no. I would be utterly miserable as a SAHM and I adore my DC. YANBU at all, the face that some people might "dream" of being a SAHM is irrelevant. If it's not for you that's perfectly fine. Why not use this time to research new career opportunities? As a secondary Maths teacher I bet you have loads of transferable skills.

Fact not face, sorry.

@RivingtonPike

Yabu for starting a thread which will be a clarion call the anti SAHM brigade.

Eh?! Op is allowed to post about her situation.

OP, YANBU, what do you want to do?

It was a mistake to do it because you hated your job rather than because you wanted to be a SAHM. It should be a positive decision, not a negative one.

I'd hate it too, personally. Look into other career opportunities as I think that's going to be the solution here.

I've done both and honestly being a SAHM was way harder than working FT. It's the neverending repetition of it. Like groundhog day. YANBU.

Do you think you’d feel differently if your daughter wasn’t as much of a handful?

Could it be that she’s difficult because she’s overtired and exhausted all of the time if she isn’t napping or sleeping well?

Sorry to state the obvious but you might be able to improve your experience of being at home with her if you are able to help her to sleep and nap properly so she’s better rested, of course I don’t know how things are but often toddlers are much more of a handful when they’re exhausted and overtired!

There’s lots you can do to help a toddler learn good sleep habits, it’s never too late. DS is a similar age and has two good naps at a set time every day which is really helpful as it means no matter how challenging things get, I know I have a guaranteed break coming up!

Could this be the dreaded sleep regression?
YANBU it's how you feel, but have you always felt this this being at home? It is exhausting being SAHM, there's no break times. If you left you're job because you hated it, I wouldn't rush back there.

If you hated your job it doesn't sound as if going back to work is much of an option either.

To be honest, I'd hate being a SAHM too for the same reasons you've posted.

Could you look into putting DD into nursery and retraining?

YANBU to not enjoy being a SAHM but how long have you felt like this?

I found about 16 months to 2 years the most difficult period - toddlers are mobile but stubborn and can't be reasoned with.

It might be much more enjoyable in 6 months time.

I've done both - SAHM and full time career. I found SAHM far harder. My son is nearly at school now but those SAH days were some of my darkest.

That said, I do have ridiculously fond memories of it.

OP, remember it's probably been the worst year and a half to have been a SAHP with covid ruining so much.

You really are not being unreasonable! I'm currently a SAHM as am on mat leave with my second kid, and had a year of mat leave with the first as well. Both times have been so so much harder than I ever expected. And of course so much worse at the moment because there's been nowhere to go, no groups, museums, friend's houses, etc.

My kids are adorable but it's like being the personal assistant to two mad kings, attending to their constant nonsensical wishes and trying to stop them from harming themselves or others. And mine are both fairly well behaved and cheery, though like yours also spirited and terrible sleepers.

To the person who said to get them sleeping better, I'd say I agree - when we're winning on that front things really are better all round - but until you've had a kid in the bottom 1% on the 'good sleeper' scale, you don't know how tough it might be for people to make use of that advice. So don't beat yourself up if you can't crack the sleep thing, some kids are just VERY resistant to it. Thanks Mother Nature!

My only advice if you're not enjoying SAHM life is try to spend as little of it as possible at home alone. My best weeks, which I truly and thoroughly enjoy, are when I'm out and about or with a friend the whole time. I don't think humans were meant to parent alone - this kind of lifestyle is a very new invention. There should be a bunch of mums and old ladies (and ideally men too although admittedly history has not shown us much of that) all pottering around the babies together, plus a load of older kids keen to carry the babies around and play with them. Just one adult and a baby all day every day just isn't gonna work for lots of people.

YANBU, I’m similar to you, it’s a daily grind. I hear they are easier at 5 😑

I was a SAHM with DS until he was about 15 months. Loved it for that time but was definitely ready to go back to work, also as a teacher. It sounds like you became a SAHM not because you wanted to but you felt you had to get out of your current job. I would look to find some work you’ll enjoy if I were you.

Lol sounds like you didn't like working either though??

What have you been happy doing?

Also my mum was a sahm and I went to daycare - I was an only for a long time so she says it was to 'socialize' me but tbh I was very hyper chatty kid so I can totally see why she needed time away from me

YaNbU.

I hated it. Until I started arranging for play dates with my other SAHM fellows every single day to meet at soft play or the playground

The isolation is what kills

No, but I guess the question is what are you going to do about it?

• To make the current situation less miserable
• To make a plan to (retrain?) and get back to work
• To get your partner to support your work return and to start picking up child duties (assuming you start training or working PT fairly soon)

No, I couldn’t do it every day, I went back to work part time and for me it’s best. I’m happier, can put more energy in when with them and my children enjoy different settings.

Thank you so much for your replies! It is reassuring to know I'm not alone in feeling this way.

I guess I've felt guilty to tell people how I'm really feeling because my friends who work all wish they had more time with their kids!

And thank you for the sleep suggestions. We're actually very much on it with sleep training.

We're just at a stage where I think she's fighting her naps and will soon drop it. She's always dropped her naps a lot quicker than other babies her age unfortunately

I guess I've felt guilty to tell people how I'm really feeling because my friends who work all wish they had more time with their kids!

I think it goes both ways - some mums feel guilty to admit they actually don’t miss their kids when at work. I would take it all with a pinch of salt. Besides, unless they’ve tried being SAHM they don’t actually know if that’s really what they’d enjoy.

Can you afford a day or two a week of nursery?

I’m a teacher with an 18 mo too, and DS is in nursery full time. I’ve been back at work since he was six months, so for a year - albeit not physically in school for a fair whack of that time for obvious reasons.

During the holidays I’ve still been sending him in a few days a week (still have to pay full time regardless!) and it’s worked out so well for us. I’ve had those lovely full days of quality time with him, but also a break and a chance to do my own adult thing. This week I went to the cinema on my own, it was bliss! I know school holidays aren’t the same as being a full time SAHP but if this is an option for you it might help. You’ll also get funded hours when your DD turns 3.

I'm actively seeking work! It's hard knowing whether an employer is supportive of patents unless you know someone who already works there.

My husband is a detective in the Police & works shifts, so I need to be able to do nursery runs.

Any suggestions on careers for an ex-maths teacher? I have a maths degree!