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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate being a SAHM?

105 replies

MrsPandigital · 02/06/2021 18:18

I feel so ungrateful for saying this, as I know some people would probably dream of being a SAHM. But I hate it. So damn much!

It's sooooo boring and my brain feels unused. I love my daughter(1.5years old) but my gosh, she is exhausting and relentless. Really difficult to get to nap, really high maintenance.

I left work because I was a secondary maths teacher and hated it, even more so after returning from maternity leave and lesson planning / marking etc ate into evenings and weekends.

So AIBU for hating being a SAHM?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPandigital · 03/06/2021 12:51

@Ellpellwood

I would challenge anyone to find time to read or pay attention to the radio when looking after my whirlwind 2 year old who has dropped his nap. Grin
I'm dreading my daughter dropping her nap! Bless you, bet it's full on!
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPandigital · 03/06/2021 12:52

@thepeopleversuswork

YANBU at all. I would also not choose to be a SAHM and millions of women will feel as you do.

You're a qualified teacher so you have a skill: fair enough if you hated your old job: can you not start looking for another?

Yes I am looking to re-train, just figuring out what in...
OP posts:
MrMeeseekslookatme · 03/06/2021 12:54

I worked evenings part time but was home in the day with my DC. It was kind of the best and worst of both worlds. But it helped me.

It's a bit of a shit time to be a SAHM at the moment. Everything is shut. I was out lots when I was home with my DC and hated being stuck in all day. We went to parks, soft play, baby groups, walks etc. My DM doesn't work so I could visit her and friends as well. I wouldn't enjoy it if I was home at the moment.

Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 13:01

@MrsPandigital Thanks! At least it's only for 2 days a week on my own!

I will also say that being a SAHM with access to plenty of funds makes a massive difference. On mat leave I used to think nothing of going to a big garden centre with DS and spending £7 on coffee and cake at least 3 times a week, either alone or with friends. Throw in soft play or a farm park visit at say £8, bits of baby shopping, petrol - £50 a week, easy.

cosima8 · 03/06/2021 13:02

It’s not that when they drop their nap. It means you can get out and about and do more because you’re not hovering round the house to put them to bed in the afternoons. Also, they will go to bed earlier in the evenings.

As you’re finding it tough at the moment, could you get a nanny / childminder in for a couple of hours on a given day / days? Give yourself some space?

You know if you were back at work, you could be equally bored / restless, plus worrying about the baby on top? The way you could look at it right now is this - you are lucky to be in a position where you haven’t had to rush back into a job you hated. Many women have no choice. You have an unique opportunity right now to reassess your life, so take your time. You will work it out in your own way.

RivingtonPike · 03/06/2021 14:37

@Ellpellwood

I would challenge anyone to find time to read or pay attention to the radio when looking after my whirlwind 2 year old who has dropped his nap. Grin
I managed Smile

And - to PP - most jobs involve repetitive tasks and times of tedium. Work full or part time if you wish/need to but don't think you are intellectually superior to every SAHM.

Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 14:53

I managed

Wow, good for you.
What was the child doing and how old?

Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 14:55

I'm living in hope I can claw back some time when DS is about 4!

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/06/2021 15:06

Work full or part time if you wish/need to but don't think you are intellectually superior to every SAHM

I don't believe anybody did. In fact, as I recall, the main assumption made was that anybody who didn't enjoy it just lacked the right mindset.

FloconDeNeige · 03/06/2021 16:23

I will also say that being a SAHM with access to plenty of funds makes a massive difference.

Probably, but only as a hygiene factor. Both DH and I have highly-paid expat jobs and I never gave a second thought to money whilst on maternity leave. I still absolutely didn’t enjoy SAH, at all. I think it’s more about your inclinations and personality rather than how much cash you have. Some SAHMs live on a shoestring and adore it. Others have millions and hate it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

SparrowNest · 03/06/2021 16:32

@RivingtonPike

Yabu for starting a thread which will be a clarion call the anti SAHM brigade.
Glad I’m not the only one who has noticed this is such a thing on here! Very weird
SparrowNest · 03/06/2021 17:15

(I don’t think you are being unreasonable, OP. I’m a SAHM to a 21-month-old and expecting another, and I personally feel very lucky, but I can also see how it wouldn’t be for everyone. The same way different paid jobs suit different personalities.)

Original poster
MrsPandigital · 03/06/2021 17:37

I didn't make this thread for anyone to be cruel to one another. Nor did I make it to bash SAHMs!

I made it to just have some sense talked into me because I feel such huge guilt in the fact that I really hate being a SAHM when in honesty, before kids I thought I would absolutely love it!!

Thanks for everyone's constructive replies SmileI feel much better for putting it out there and knowing I'm not alone!!

OP posts:
HoppingHamster · 03/06/2021 17:42

YANBU.

I was also a SAHM and I found it tremendously detrimental to my mental health. I think part of the reason was because naturally I gravitated towards other SAHP when really all we had in common was kids.

My advice to you would be to make sure you’re keeping a broad range of company, get into a couple of hobbies or sports in the evening, and start thinking about how to develop a new career path when the time is right. Ideally using what you’ve learned or done in the past in some way, but not the same way.

If you’re feeling like this now, there’s no way you’ll be happy as a sahp for the long term. And that’s absolutely ok.

DeepThinkingGirl · 03/06/2021 17:51

Thanks for starting this thread op. This conversation shouldn’t be shut down just because some people think it brings the judgemental lot.

SAHM life isn’t what it used to be. Now you need to make it work if you really want it. We live in individualistic disintegrated societies and not a proper community so it’s very hard to not feel isolated if you’re not working.

If you have a strong community you really enjoy it. If you don’t then you need to find one or just accept that the loneliness is very miserable and try socialise as much as possible

Teenageromance · 03/06/2021 17:56

A maths degree is a great stepping stone to another career - have you looked into big data analysis - it’s a real boom area and data analysts are really in short supply at the moment. It’s probably something that now more than ever can be done from home so you can do nursery/school drop offs to take account of Dhs shifts. Also health economics is another area where people are in short supply. A MSc bu distance learning would get you to that.

Teenageromance · 03/06/2021 17:58

I’ve been both a SAHM, and worked in basic jobs and in mentally challenging jobs. The mentally challenging ones are the ones that made me the best mum as I felt ‘exercised’ and so could do the more mundane with more joy in my heart! Sounds like that might be you as well.

MinnieMountain · 03/06/2021 18:26

Look into being an actuary. I know there’s a few on MN.

It can involve a lot of computer programming if you’re that way inclined.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/06/2021 18:28

And if you haven't already, check out the "how has maths helped you in your career?" MNHQ thread.

MinnieMountain · 03/06/2021 18:29

And I’m hopeless at linking but there’s an old thread on it on AMA.

RivingtonPike · 03/06/2021 19:10

@Ellpellwood

I managed

Wow, good for you.
What was the child doing and how old?

DD dropped her nap at 12 months so I became an expert in the art of benign neglect Smile
Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 19:20

@RivingtonPike Oh.

I'm genuinely not sure if you're being facetious or not.

Brainfogmcfogface · 03/06/2021 19:25

I’m a SAHM and love it! I have no money, but make it work, go to groups some days, deprive myself so we can go to soft play and special events (not brought new clothes in 2 years, had a hair cut in about 6, desperate need of a new car, the list goes on) but it’s very much what I wanted for my children as my childhood is full of sad memories feeling unwanted. Both my parents worked and I was constantly in child care, full time nursery and wrap around before and after school and absolutely hated it. I just wanted my mum and dad but barely saw them, I felt so sad as a child because of it abd resentful as I got older too. I knew that there was no way in hell I’d not be there for my children. So even on the really hard days I don’t want to be anywhere else and that’s my mindset, that’s why I enjoy it and don’t feel bad for not working even though it would help us lots have more stuff. But that’s my mentality/reasoning and why I’m never really sad as a SAHM, if I didn’t feel the way I do, then I can totally see why it’d be hard and wouldn’t blame anyone who preferred being in work. I do what makes me happy and yanbu to do the same, if it’s not for you then do what you think is best.

Worstyear2020 · 03/06/2021 19:56

I have a maths degree too, software programming sounds fun but I am probably too old to retrain at 47 now :(

zelda5478573489 · 03/06/2021 20:09

Brainfog Your post resonates. Same here.

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