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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate being a SAHM?

105 replies

MrsPandigital · 02/06/2021 18:18

I feel so ungrateful for saying this, as I know some people would probably dream of being a SAHM. But I hate it. So damn much!

It's sooooo boring and my brain feels unused. I love my daughter(1.5years old) but my gosh, she is exhausting and relentless. Really difficult to get to nap, really high maintenance.

I left work because I was a secondary maths teacher and hated it, even more so after returning from maternity leave and lesson planning / marking etc ate into evenings and weekends.

So AIBU for hating being a SAHM?

OP posts:
Pinkylemons · 03/06/2021 09:14

Yanbu. I’ve been a stay at home mum for 15 years. One child is disabled which is why it’s been so long. The longer I stay home the harder it is to think about going back to work especially as it would need to be a super flexible job to fit in with my caring responsibilities. All my kids are at school all day so it can be very isolating.

WannabeMathematician · 03/06/2021 09:16

I’ve got a maths degree and I’m a software engineer. Send me a message if you want to chat.

KatChocolate · 03/06/2021 09:22

YANBU

I returned to work part time after 12 months maternity leave, found this worked well for me.

FloconDeNeige · 03/06/2021 09:23

My kids are adorable but it's like being the personal assistant to two mad kings, attending to their constant nonsensical wishes and trying to stop them from harming themselves or others.

Spot on @Watermelon99!
This is the best description of parenting the under 5s that I’ve seen! Only this morning I had to break up a fight over who was having the blue cup and who the purple one (happens every morning). DH then shortly deposited them at crèche and calm resumed... until my 8am Teams with management, anyway!

RedHelenB · 03/06/2021 09:26

I loved being a shame and contrary to the narrative its a lit easier than work because you are your own boss and in control. If you want a lazy day you can have one, if you want to meet up with friends you can.

WaterBottle123 · 03/06/2021 09:27

If your partner was a woman what changes would he have inevitably made to accommodate being a parent rather than assuming his career could continue in impacted?

Don't fall for the BIG IMPORTANT inflexible man job narrative OP. Make him step up and flex so you can protect your financial security. You sound like you're not married so it is ESSENTIAL you get back to work ASAP.

dangermouseisace · 03/06/2021 10:37

YANBU. I’ve usually worked part time throughout and it’s been a sanity saver. Circumstances changed and dictated I had to be a SAHM for a few years. Oh my word, the impact on my mental health was horrendous. My children are a bit older now and I’m working full time and loving it!

Sometimes just doing ANY job helps with the brain numbing, it doesn’t have to be your career. I spent a happy couple of years working an evening and weekends in retail, to fit around tiny children, then went back to my usual work when nursery hours kicked in.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/06/2021 10:40

@FloconDeNeige

My kids are adorable but it's like being the personal assistant to two mad kings, attending to their constant nonsensical wishes and trying to stop them from harming themselves or others.

Spot on @Watermelon99!
This is the best description of parenting the under 5s that I’ve seen! Only this morning I had to break up a fight over who was having the blue cup and who the purple one (happens every morning). DH then shortly deposited them at crèche and calm resumed... until my 8am Teams with management, anyway!

Mine have the same fight every morning. Today they followed it up by having a fight over who got to look at the pots of seeds they planted yesterday (they both believe constant staring helps the germination process along). The bigger one didn't like the way the younger one was looking at them.

Then my nanny arrived and I skedaddled Grin

shivawn · 03/06/2021 10:46

You're not being unreasonable, I would also be miserable. There's massive mental health benefits to going out to work and being engaged and productive outside the household.

Maybe its time to start considering what jobs you're qualified for that you think you might enjoy?

cosima8 · 03/06/2021 10:56

I completely understand that being a SAHM is not for everyone and that’s absolutely fine. Far better to recognise that and act accordingly, rather than driving yourself to depression. But can we hold on the “brain numb” comments because this is not inevitable. It just depends on how you look at it. If you understand the child development / attachment phases, for instance, you see things in a totally different way and it’s fascinating. You do have to be creative with your time, sure, but the rest of the world has hardly stopped spinning just because you don’t have a paid role. Whatever you do, life is what you make it and there’s no need to be brain numb as a SAHM, any more than any other role in life.

Iecydda · 03/06/2021 11:01

I honestly wouldn't be a SAHM if you paid me! Just returned to work after a lockdown mat leave and feel so much better for it Smile

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 03/06/2021 11:01

can we hold on the “brain numb” comments because this is not inevitable. It just depends on how you look at it. If you understand the child development / attachment phases, for instance, you see things in a totally different way and it’s fascinating.

Personally, I have actively studied child psychology and development and I still find being at home FT brain numbing. That is just not enough intellectual stimulation for me. I don't say that as any kind of virtue in me, it's not particularly, and quite possibly I'd be happier if my brain didn't whir so hard all the time, but it's just the way I'm wired.

I think understanding child development is a great thing for either SAHPs or WOHPs if they're that way minded, and I am truly glad for any woman who is a SAHP and enjoys it as long as she's in a good financial situation, but it just doesn't suit everybody.

dangermouseisace · 03/06/2021 11:21

brain numb comments.

I have a postgrad degree in education /psychology and a bookcase full of academic development books. Being a FT mum is still brain numbing. You don’t get time to exercise your brain, because you’re always doing practical/caring tasks, and they are repetitive. Small children are indeed fascinating, and delightful, and seeing them develop is a wonderful thing. But a part time job breaks the monotony and means the pros of time spent being mum is easier to appreciate.

Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 11:26

@dangermouseisace

brain numb comments.

I have a postgrad degree in education /psychology and a bookcase full of academic development books. Being a FT mum is still brain numbing. You don’t get time to exercise your brain, because you’re always doing practical/caring tasks, and they are repetitive. Small children are indeed fascinating, and delightful, and seeing them develop is a wonderful thing. But a part time job breaks the monotony and means the pros of time spent being mum is easier to appreciate.

Agree. It's hard going from a full-time role to 8/9 hours of park trips, trying to get a stubborn toddler to eat a cheese sandwich that they loved the day before, conversations about diggers, and trying to chuck on a wash. Even meeting friends - about 40% of your attention is on your toddler/preschooler and all 3 of my SAHM friends now have 2!
Chicchicchicchiclana · 03/06/2021 11:27

No, yanbu to hate being a sahm. What are you going to do to fix that? Given that you also hated your previous job - maybe time for re-training, career change, OU degree?

There's loads of options.

PetuniaPot · 03/06/2021 11:29

Yanbu.
Good luck op.

RivingtonPike · 03/06/2021 11:32

The brain numb comments are patronising.

I read, listened to programmes on the radio, chatted with fellow SAHMs who were neither brain numbed or obsessed with their DC.

So if you found being a SAHM mind numbing don't assume someone who finds it fulfilling isn't intelligent.

It's such a short time and so important for a child's development. Work can wait - it was there waiting when I was ready to go back.

cosima8 · 03/06/2021 11:44

Well, I guess everyone is different. I have an MA which is the foundation in Child Psychotherapy training. I had 4 children and have been SAHM for 17 years, with no help from family or anyone and an extreme workaholic husband who also travels a lot. I’ve never felt “brain numb.” You can still read, you know. The internet still exists! If anything, I found there was more flexibility to explore interests. I do live in a “prom jam” part of London though. I’m not sure I could have coped in a more remote area, or an area where hardly any women were SAHMs. Also, life changes as they get older - you’re hardly stuck with Peppa Pig or whatever forever. One person’s fascinating job in coding would be absolutely brain numbing to the next person. It just depends on the individual and how you approach things.

LannieDuck · 03/06/2021 11:56

You have tons of transferable skills/knowledge.

Example from my industry: heath economics. You'd need to do a master's course, but there's huge demand for the skillset once you're trained.

Original poster
MrsPandigital · 03/06/2021 12:37

@WaterBottle123

If your partner was a woman what changes would he have inevitably made to accommodate being a parent rather than assuming his career could continue in impacted?

Don't fall for the BIG IMPORTANT inflexible man job narrative OP. Make him step up and flex so you can protect your financial security. You sound like you're not married so it is ESSENTIAL you get back to work ASAP.

I am married and secondly my husband is so supportive of everything I do! He has changed his job to remove night shifts which were not suited to having a newborn, he is great and would do anything I asked!
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPandigital · 03/06/2021 12:40

@cosima8

I completely understand that being a SAHM is not for everyone and that’s absolutely fine. Far better to recognise that and act accordingly, rather than driving yourself to depression. But can we hold on the “brain numb” comments because this is not inevitable. It just depends on how you look at it. If you understand the child development / attachment phases, for instance, you see things in a totally different way and it’s fascinating. You do have to be creative with your time, sure, but the rest of the world has hardly stopped spinning just because you don’t have a paid role. Whatever you do, life is what you make it and there’s no need to be brain numb as a SAHM, any more than any other role in life.
I have done lots of reading up on the development of children and also know about their schemas. It just isn't something that gets me excited or up in the morning! (That's my toddlers job Grin )
OP posts:
Original poster
MrsPandigital · 03/06/2021 12:42

@dangermouseisace

brain numb comments.

I have a postgrad degree in education /psychology and a bookcase full of academic development books. Being a FT mum is still brain numbing. You don’t get time to exercise your brain, because you’re always doing practical/caring tasks, and they are repetitive. Small children are indeed fascinating, and delightful, and seeing them develop is a wonderful thing. But a part time job breaks the monotony and means the pros of time spent being mum is easier to appreciate.

You said it better than me :)
OP posts:
Ellpellwood · 03/06/2021 12:45

I would challenge anyone to find time to read or pay attention to the radio when looking after my whirlwind 2 year old who has dropped his nap. Grin

lauryloo · 03/06/2021 12:49

I'm a sahm with a 7, 5 and 1 year old.

The middle child has a severe learning disability and I'm so exhausted all the time. I'm jealous of my husband working.

I was due to get back to college to retrain and the surprise baby came along. So I'm at home a little longer

thepeopleversuswork · 03/06/2021 12:49

YANBU at all. I would also not choose to be a SAHM and millions of women will feel as you do.

You're a qualified teacher so you have a skill: fair enough if you hated your old job: can you not start looking for another?