dh and money

[user011]

hi,

my dh is apparently skint again. we have this conversation every month but he is appalling with money although I don't personally see where it is going.

when we get to this stage, he tries to stress me out with it too. he blames bills, says he gives me "too much". we split the bills pretty much down the middle but he gives me an extra 100/150 because I do most food shopping/buy things for our child.

he will start complaining he cant afford the extra 100/150 a month. he earns about 400 more than me a month. I'm not even sure where to begin with the unfairness of it tbh. he smokes as well but apparently this is "only 15 to 30 pound a week" depending how much backi he buys. this is an essential purchase though evidently.

now I'm sitting here waiting for him to return home in a bad mood and start whining about how unfair life is, how it is my fault because of the bills, life is shit bla bla.

I also cant work out where it all goes but am suspicious its gambling. he has the sky bet app and I often hear him watching horse racing.

I dont even know what my am I being unreasonable is, I guess am I unreasonable to suggest that its nothing to do with the extra 100/150 he gives me a month and everything to do with his own lack of budgeting!?

Well, if you suspect he is gambling then you are not going to get this sorted easily.

All I can suggest is you put togther a spreadsheet with all your outgoings on it and work together from there!

I've tried before and he gets all huffy and insists it's because of the bills. and then gets outraged because its HIS money.

I'm just not looking forward to the inevitable sulking that is going to come this evening and it somehow being my fault.

The only to do is to go through all incomings and outgoings with a fine tooth comb and see exactly where the money is being spent. I you divorce he’s gambling I bet you’ve guessed the answer already.

What is his income vs contribution to the house? If he is broke does he go into debt and need you to bail him out?

Last line should say ‘if you suspect he’s gambling’ not divorce 🙈

Oh dear!

Maybe you have to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life and/or if it is worth a BIG discussion, aka argument, to get the whole thing out in the open with some slight hope of resolving it.

he is self employed and earns averagely just under 2000 a month. he normally gives me between 800-900 a month so in theory he should have about a grand left over, taking away about 90 for his car insurance. other than that everything, including his phone, is direct debit from my account.

I just cant understand how you can have that kind of money left over and be skint within 3 weeks. if I push it whilst hes getting huffy and point out its ridiculous he blames the bills then he says well I have to pay petrol to get to work too, I just cant really work it out.

he does private work too a lot of Saturdays which is cash in hand. just dont understand, just makes me mad that he cant take responsibility for his own spending.

He acts like this because he's lying to you. Why are you living like this?

£900 a month spate just for himself he’s taking the piss OP gambling or something along those lines

I'd begin by showing him the door. Regardless of where the money goes, this isn't about money so much as about his attitude towards you. It's deliberate, the trying to stress you out, huffing and sulking. It's designed to get you to give in for the sake of peace and harmony. If he could get away with it he'd have you paying for everything for yourself, the baby, the bills and he'd have all his wages to himself. He's already got you paying half the bills despite you earning less. What he's doing now is the next stage and it's the thin end of the wedge. You won't be able to sort it out yourself because he doesn't want it sorted out, if he did he could easily sort it out himself. He's not "bad with money", he doesn't need help budgeting or he'd ask for it and receive it gratefully instead of becoming defensive when you offer. He's deliberately choosing to spend all his money then harass you to give him more.

Why tolerate being his whipping boy on a regular basis? Tell him the extra is supporting his child vs a cigarette addiction! Hell I'd ask him if he has adequate life insurance when he inevitably develops lung disease

this is exactly what I think, what on earth are you spending it on but there is always "something" if I push it.

I've rejected his attempts to blame the bills today, he decided to call me and try and get me to wallow with him over it (he does the whole life is sooo shit) and he is now saying well I dont know where its all gone but it has.

not much I can do atm, it winds me up but realistically I couldn't afford to private rent alone and I have a child to think about.

£900 for himself is a lot of spare cash to burn through. You really need to understand exactly

Do you think the money could be going on coke or something?
It does seem there is more to it than meets the eye.

@AmberIsACertainty yes you're right. it's the sulking and trying to make me then feel worried about it, I somehow then spend my time trying to work out how to "sort" the problem!? whilst he mopes in the corner about how skint he is. it's very frustrating!

honestly, I think he gambles on horses and because its online so he cant physically see it going out he just keeps going. I dont ever know if he wins or not but presumably if he does he puts it straight back on

Cross posted with you OP. It's not that he can't take responsibility for his spending, it's that he won't. It's a choice he's making.

I'm not sure I understand your position regarding earnings, it initially sounded like you had wages too. But whatever, you needn't feel guilty about using the family money. You don't have to live like a pauper so he can waste even more on whatever it is he's wasting it on. I say "wasting" because if it was reasonable expenditure he'd not be refusing to tell you where the money goes.

It's not 'his' money to piss up the wall and refuse to tell you what he's spending it on. You are married so both your incomes should be considered joint money, and shared out fairly once all household bills are paid out of your combined earnings. Then if he spends all of what he has left, he has only himself to blame.

I do earn too, but our bills split straight down the middle is 750 each. he then give me between 800/900 a month so an extra hundred or so. however I pay for all things for our child and most of the food so it balances out, if anything I probably in the end contribute more because of this. its just that he tries to use this extra hundred or so as an example of how it's my fault because he pays sooo much in bills and that's why he never has money

not much I can do atm, it winds me up but realistically I couldn't afford to private rent alone and I have a child to think about.

Do you own property or savings or other assets? Are you married? Because if you split now you'll get eg half. If you split once he's spent all he savings and run up thousands in debts you get nothing except a headache. You very much do need to do something now.

sorry not he then gives me 800/900 that sounds like he gives me that on top of the 750, i mean in total he gives me 8/900 so an extra 100ish

There's places you could live easily on £750/mth you and the baby.

unfortunately I dont own, no.

he inherited nearly 100k in 2017 and he said he would put that down on property but 4 years later it is all gone, with nothing to show for it but a 9 grand van and a holiday to spain.

Had he ever done the food shops? Does he actually understand what the money is used for?

My insides were screaming ‘gambling’ reading your first post- then you mentioned the betting account and horse racing.

Sorry it’s definitely gambling. Hence the anger when questioned, lying etc.

Been there myself.

You need to tell him you want access to all his bank accounts/ credit files today. I’d be blunt and say why. No if’s/buts. Offer yours for him to see. If he starts getting arsey/ storms out/ starts an argument and turns things on you/ can’t remember his banking passcode- you have your answer.

Threaten divorce if you cannot see his accounts today.