dh and money

[user011]

hi,

my dh is apparently skint again. we have this conversation every month but he is appalling with money although I don't personally see where it is going.

when we get to this stage, he tries to stress me out with it too. he blames bills, says he gives me "too much". we split the bills pretty much down the middle but he gives me an extra 100/150 because I do most food shopping/buy things for our child.

he will start complaining he cant afford the extra 100/150 a month. he earns about 400 more than me a month. I'm not even sure where to begin with the unfairness of it tbh. he smokes as well but apparently this is "only 15 to 30 pound a week" depending how much backi he buys. this is an essential purchase though evidently.

now I'm sitting here waiting for him to return home in a bad mood and start whining about how unfair life is, how it is my fault because of the bills, life is shit bla bla.

I also cant work out where it all goes but am suspicious its gambling. he has the sky bet app and I often hear him watching horse racing.

I dont even know what my am I being unreasonable is, I guess am I unreasonable to suggest that its nothing to do with the extra 100/150 he gives me a month and everything to do with his own lack of budgeting!?

Fucking hell, op. It's worse and worse with every update. This man will destroy your life, just like my cousin's ex-husband did to hers. He is a gambling addict and absolutely ruined her. He took credit cards and loans out in her name (unknown to her), and they lost their home. Her life has been a nightmare for years because of his lies and gambling which got worse as the years went by.

Get out of there.

FUCKING HELL.

he's blown a hundred grand. A HUNDRED GRAND!

I thought things were bad enough when he was 'just' pissing away twelve grand a year. That was already intolerable arsehole irresponsible behaviour that indicated he was into gambling, drugs or sex workers.

But he's blown A HUNDRED GRAND. Six figures! I genuinely can't respond because my mind is so fucking blown.

If he doesnt have big debts already... he will soon. And you're tied to him financially. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT RUN.

I can't believe he blew A HUNDRED GRAND and passed it off to his WIFE as my money. Sorry for all the shouting, but FUCK ME.

Well then tell him that you will stop buying him food so he doesn't' need to give you money for that.

Although I do wonder why that is your responsibility?

You earn less than him however spilt the bills 50/50 apart from his extra £25 a week contribution to your child’s needs AND frittered away £90k

As another said, have you checked his credit report, are there other debts hidden away.

I’d be off!!

And yes I just realised as well that you want less than him! So bills shouldn't be 50/50 anyway! And this cash in hand stuff, even if it was a tiny job once a week that's another £200 he's spending... on what?

Earn, not want

This person will ruin your life. I've seen it happen, both in real life and here.

Totally this OP. I only ever knew about the £40k my ex lost, it could have been much more. Over 3yrs. He was gambling online every night after work and weekend afternoons/eves from when he woke up. Told me it was a hobby and he was breaking even (he wasn't). Yours is self employed, he could be gambling all day every day.

I am so sad for you. He WILL ruin your life. I suspect he has debts that you know nothing about, get out. Your life will be easier without his graceless presence ruining everything for you.

As PP said, add up you actual grocery spends and child costs over the month and bill him half. I bet it’s a fair bit more than the 100/150 he is contributing.

I do this monthly around payday and it’s a 2 minute job to pick the supermarket spends out of my credit card statement and text DH the amount.

He spent £100k in 4 years with nothing to show for it??!?! You know he has a problem - irrespective of the monthly spending.

Would he give you access to view his account? My sister lets my mum have her password so my mum can hold her accountable for spending too much on online clothes shopping. Or have both your accounts become joint accounts so you can see what the other is spending? That way he can also see what you're spending on your shared child so he can appreciate £100 per month isn't much. But I doubt he'll agree to this as he's likely covering up a gambling problem - and if you think that's the case, don't give him access to your accounts.

I agree with all the comments. To give you a comparison. My dh inherited a bit over £100k last year. It's his money, not mine. He cleared our debts, including debts to my mum. Locked £20k up for the children. Spending £40k fixing up our house. And decided to lease a car as ours isn't repairable. There will be money left over that will sit in savings.

This man is showing you where his priorities lie and its not you and your child. I think you should leave him. If you don't, then do not lend him money and do not do anything that would link your finances.

Also - you might be only 26 but there's not just one way for a married couple to manage money. Many (if not most) married couples share all their money in one big joint account, because they recognise that over the years one of them might wind up earning way more than the other through luck/different career paths etc - NOT because they work harder. And so it's not fair to keep it as 'my' and 'your' money - what if he earned £6k a month and you earnt £1k? Would he still say it was 'his' money? What about if it was £16k? You get my drift... you are supposed to be a family unit and marriage involves a financial commitment (at least legally if you divorce) so it's ridiculous to be so protective of separate pots of money, especially if you have a child.

Round here £100k would buy you a 2bed house. Mortgage free.

£100k is a life changing amount of money that he has managed to fritter away. Definitely gambling, drugs, sex workers or some combination of all 3 OP.... he will absolutely ruin your life if you don’t get out now. Especially if he can’t actually even show you where his money is going.

You say you can't afford to leave him, OP, but the reality is, you can't afford to stay. He is gambling, you know he is, fuck nows how much debt he has or what accounts and cards have been opened in your name. Stay married to him and you will be on the hook for half. He already blew £100k and none of it went on you or your child. It could have set you up for life as a family, instead, he spunked it and tells you to stop moaning as it was his money?! That alone would have me packing my bags. He IS going to ruin your life!

Holy shit !100k in 2017 all gone and can't account for £1000 a month??

Run for the hills

He's either

• got a gambling habit
• drug habit
• lives a double life and has another woman
• a secret love child
• tonnes of debt

Anyone who has a family and has £100k to put as a house deposit and doesn't needs a serious reality check

He sounds like a waste of space I'd get rid you don't have to put up with this x

He thinks £100 a month covers food for a man and 50% of the food for a child? Perhaps you should start by feeding him until that runs out and after 10 days or so let him go hungry or use his tobacco money.
He's tight-fisted, feckless - and you're subsidising him.

Oh OP. I echo everyone else.

My cousin's DH was a gambler. (Ironically- he is/was also a 'financial adviser who advises on pensions.)

10 years ago he gambled so much that he lost them their house. She only found out when he came to her and told her the movers would be there inan hour.

In 10 years he has made every promise out there. Most recently he has been arrested for stealing client money to gamble more.

If your DH knows what is he is doing, knows the consequcnes, tries genuinely to turn it around there maybe hope. But it does not sound like that is the case. I'd get out while you can.

He doesn't "give you" an extra £100 if the direct debit of £90 for HIS phone contract is coming out of YOUR account. Time that one was cancelled & set up on his account.

TBH. Don't get dragged in, he's spending to much and he is making his own choices.

When he complains about money take the stance well your part of a family and need to pay into the pot - what you do with the rest of your money is your affair and not mine

keep repeating, you're part of a family and need to pay into the pot - what your do with the rest of your money is your affair

its not nagging, its then putting the onus back onto him - what he does with his money is his affair and not yours

its then up to him whether he manages that money or not

He’s never going to change & your very young to be starting again. It’ll be easier at 26 than 46.

Who burns through a £100k in under 4 years? & then moans life is soooo hard & bills are soooo expensive?.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

He doesn't "give you" an extra £100 if the direct debit of £90 for HIS phone contract is coming out of YOUR account. Time that one was cancelled & set up on his account.

I missed the bit about his phone contract being £90! How much is yours OP? If he's self employed I bet he claims the tax back on that too

Does he do 50% or the child care? School drop offs? Sick days? Did he cover your bills during maternity leave?

I can already guess that the answer is no.

Not only is your husband frittering away his money somewhere, he is actively stealing money from you. It costs you money in lost earning potential to be the primary caregiver to his child(ren). You shouldn’t just be upset that he is sulking, you should be fucking furious. Opening up his finances to you shouldn’t be optional. He can and should be contributing more to the household and that starts by being honest about his money and likely exposing where he is wasting those funds. If he is an addict, there are resources available to help, but I would absolutely require full transparency.

So his money is his money and your money is his money. You are being financially abused.

Get out as fast as you can. This creature will destroy your life. You are so young, you have everything ahead of you. Run, before that 100k becomes a 100k debt that you are also responsible for.

@user011

I only found out the 100k was all gone last year. he put 20 grand of it in a bond (I think thats what they're called) and he couldn't touch it for a couple years. that is now apparently all gone, the only thing I know for sure he did with all that was lend his brother 5k.

this has been quite eye opening - probably sounds really naive but I'm only 26 so when he insists his money is his I've found it quite a hard point to argue, especially as he does pay his bill money.

It's just the suddenly being skint and the sulking that comes with that. its depressing.

I understand that, I'm exactly the same at 42...I lose my words and rational argument goes out the window. I don't have a DH problem but a wider fily issue..it helps to literally write down the replies within the threads for me.