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Original poster

dh and money

132 replies

user011 · 02/06/2021 15:37

hi,

my dh is apparently skint again. we have this conversation every month but he is appalling with money although I don't personally see where it is going.

when we get to this stage, he tries to stress me out with it too. he blames bills, says he gives me "too much". we split the bills pretty much down the middle but he gives me an extra 100/150 because I do most food shopping/buy things for our child.

he will start complaining he cant afford the extra 100/150 a month. he earns about 400 more than me a month. I'm not even sure where to begin with the unfairness of it tbh. he smokes as well but apparently this is "only 15 to 30 pound a week" depending how much backi he buys. this is an essential purchase though evidently.

now I'm sitting here waiting for him to return home in a bad mood and start whining about how unfair life is, how it is my fault because of the bills, life is shit bla bla.

I also cant work out where it all goes but am suspicious its gambling. he has the sky bet app and I often hear him watching horse racing.

I dont even know what my am I being unreasonable is, I guess am I unreasonable to suggest that its nothing to do with the extra 100/150 he gives me a month and everything to do with his own lack of budgeting!?

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 02/06/2021 16:19

Tell him also that children get more expensive as they grow, not less! So his financial contribution is going to have to increase not decrease.

TheCraicDealer · 02/06/2021 16:20

he inherited nearly 100k in 2017 and he said he would put that down on property but 4 years later it is all gone, with nothing to show for it but a 9 grand van and a holiday to spain.

I'd nope the fuck out of there on that alone, I couldn't cope with that level of financial incontinence. The amount of stability an amount of that scale could have given you as a family, and where's it gone? Into a bookie's pocket, probably.

Original poster
user011 · 02/06/2021 16:22

I think he thinks the extra money is somehow "mine" and that I spend it on myself which is crazy because I earn myself, admittedly not quite as much as him but no matter how many times I explain to him what the extra goes towards he still uses it as an excuse.

I think he uses it because its just a handy thing to latch onto when he is ranting about being skint and because he doesnt want to blame himself its that extra 100 or so he gives "me".

I'm going to see what he has to say for himself when he gets in.

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSummer · 02/06/2021 16:23

Holy shit. So he’s pissed around 90K up the wall in 5 years?
Have you done a credit search?

Original poster
user011 · 02/06/2021 16:23

the 100k did really upset me but he got very defensive about that and said it was his money. which okay yes it was but I wished he had thought about the good that could of done for our family and like you said the stability it could of provided. we could of easily put a deposit down and he would of had some left over to buy a nice van etc.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 16:24

I'd nope the fuck out of there on that alone, I couldn't cope with that level of financial incontinence.

Exactly this.

And gambling addictions are terrible because there is t a health component. So people don't get a nasty scare with their health to shock them into recovery. He's pissed away 100K and YOU are looking for solutions.

The solution is to get rid. And sign up for CSA because he won't pay voluntarily.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/06/2021 16:24

confiscatedfidgetspinner same. £40k lost (that I knew about) while pleading poverty and earning 5x what I did and only paying half the bills. Run OP he doesn't want help. All you can do is save yourself.

Ivy48 · 02/06/2021 16:25

100% he’s gambling. Been there and done that myself. You need to find a bank statement or
Something to prove it. Or sign him up to gamstop on the sly, can exclude from all gambling for 6 months to 5 years. You’ll soon figure out if
He’s gambling when he can’t get on his apps
Anymore.
If he is gambling then he needs to sort it out now or I’d walk away. I bet he’s also got some debt kicking about that’s speaking for his spare cash too.

LadyDanburysHat · 02/06/2021 16:25

I could not stay with someone who pissed £100k up the wall. How do you even do that? Especially when you have responsibilities.

fearfulfran · 02/06/2021 16:25

@user011

I do earn too, but our bills split straight down the middle is 750 each. he then give me between 800/900 a month so an extra hundred or so. however I pay for all things for our child and most of the food so it balances out, if anything I probably in the end contribute more because of this. its just that he tries to use this extra hundred or so as an example of how it's my fault because he pays sooo much in bills and that's why he never has money
I don't think an extra 100/150 a month can be balancing things out of you're buying all the food and everything for the child?

I also don't like that he hands you over £700/800 (which is it?) and you have to do all the adulting i.e. working out bills, budgeting for food, unexpected child expenses... is he a child?

This would all piss me off and I think you should leave

fearfulfran · 02/06/2021 16:26

Sorry. Is hold have typed £800/900

fearfulfran · 02/06/2021 16:27

If it's gambling he probably has huge debts that he's servicing too. Gambling is THE WORST addiction in terms of costs spiralling out of control. Worse than drugs or anything else

Ivy48 · 02/06/2021 16:28

Just read the 100k....I lost 10k in 6 months he is definitely gambling that! There’s no other way he could have gone through that much in 3 years otherwise. He’s likely chasing the ‘big win’ sign him up
To gamstop on the sly and also as your details on there because I bet he would open accounts in your name if he could, they actually recommend it

AmberIsACertainty · 02/06/2021 16:29

@user011

unfortunately I dont own, no.

he inherited nearly 100k in 2017 and he said he would put that down on property but 4 years later it is all gone, with nothing to show for it but a 9 grand van and a holiday to spain.

Oh shit. Leave before he racks up debts, if he hasn't already. As you're married would you be liable for half? Would it affect your credit rating? If you feel you must stay in a relationship with him then at least divorce so you're disengaged financially.
Velvian · 02/06/2021 16:29

First off go through your bank statement and figure out how much the food shopping and things for your DC comes to, average it over a few months, then you will have more idea of how much half actually is.

Original poster
user011 · 02/06/2021 16:31

I only found out the 100k was all gone last year. he put 20 grand of it in a bond (I think thats what they're called) and he couldn't touch it for a couple years. that is now apparently all gone, the only thing I know for sure he did with all that was lend his brother 5k.

this has been quite eye opening - probably sounds really naive but I'm only 26 so when he insists his money is his I've found it quite a hard point to argue, especially as he does pay his bill money.

It's just the suddenly being skint and the sulking that comes with that. its depressing.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/06/2021 16:31

Your husband is a gambling addict, financially abusive prick. I'd rent a bedsit on my own and live there with my child.

He sees his own child as a financial burden. He can find out just how well he copes with all the bills on his own.

FUCK HIM.

He blew £100k

fearfulfran · 02/06/2021 16:32

As a start, could you alternate the food shop so he can see how much it actually costs?

Bluntness100 · 02/06/2021 16:32

He’s not giving you an extra whatever a month, that’s just splitting the bills.Stop seeing it as him giving it to you.

He’s more disposable income. He needs to be a grown up and pay his way. If he chooses to gamble the rest it’s his call.

Wegobshite · 02/06/2021 16:33

Is he self employed
If he his and you want to leave I would accept that it would be unlikely that he would pay child support
Personally I would work out what I could get via UC
You will get help towards the rent and childcare and not have to live with a asshole

AmberIsACertainty · 02/06/2021 16:33

@Billybagpuss

Had he ever done the food shops? Does he actually understand what the money is used for?
I very much doubt he cares.
osbertthesyrianhamster · 02/06/2021 16:34

@user011

I only found out the 100k was all gone last year. he put 20 grand of it in a bond (I think thats what they're called) and he couldn't touch it for a couple years. that is now apparently all gone, the only thing I know for sure he did with all that was lend his brother 5k.

this has been quite eye opening - probably sounds really naive but I'm only 26 so when he insists his money is his I've found it quite a hard point to argue, especially as he does pay his bill money.

It's just the suddenly being skint and the sulking that comes with that. its depressing.

Oh, how big of him, paying money for his own bills! Newsflash: he'd need to pay that anywhere.

Grey rock him when he sulks. 'It's not my fault or my problem you're skint. You're a gambler,' only response, whilst you look at places to rent and leave.

This person will ruin your life. I've seen it happen, both in real life and here.

NanaNorasNaughtyKnickers · 02/06/2021 16:35

The only way to deal with the whole thing rationally and to work out what's going where, what needs prioritising and what needs cutting is to have a spreadsheet, and complete transparency about income and outgoings. Without that you're arguing over unknowns.

But to be honest it does sound like he is beyond rational money management unfortunately. I'd insist on sitting down with the spreadsheet, bank statements, bills and a huge dose of honesty as a precondition of carrying on. In the likely event that he refuses I don't see how you can go on.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/06/2021 16:37

just the suddenly being skint and the sulking that comes with that. its depressing

It's abusive. Coercion behaviour/financial abuse. Manipulating you with his moods to get his own way.

AmberIsACertainty · 02/06/2021 16:38

I'm worried that "suddenly being skint" means debts already racked up and repayments out of control.