dh and money

[user011]

hi,

my dh is apparently skint again. we have this conversation every month but he is appalling with money although I don't personally see where it is going.

when we get to this stage, he tries to stress me out with it too. he blames bills, says he gives me "too much". we split the bills pretty much down the middle but he gives me an extra 100/150 because I do most food shopping/buy things for our child.

he will start complaining he cant afford the extra 100/150 a month. he earns about 400 more than me a month. I'm not even sure where to begin with the unfairness of it tbh. he smokes as well but apparently this is "only 15 to 30 pound a week" depending how much backi he buys. this is an essential purchase though evidently.

now I'm sitting here waiting for him to return home in a bad mood and start whining about how unfair life is, how it is my fault because of the bills, life is shit bla bla.

I also cant work out where it all goes but am suspicious its gambling. he has the sky bet app and I often hear him watching horse racing.

I dont even know what my am I being unreasonable is, I guess am I unreasonable to suggest that its nothing to do with the extra 100/150 he gives me a month and everything to do with his own lack of budgeting!?

Perhaps for your own interests do a spreadsheet or something with all the child expenses from the last 3 months that would be included in the bills and it would probably be over what he pays so you could show him that he’s quids in

You need to give him some ownership over paying bills and household expenses

Without that - it just seems to him like he’s handing over money

Give him ownership and insight

I could easily spend £100k in 4 years but that's because I would use it for things like paying off credit cards, home improvements. Reduce our mortgage.
To have nothing to show for it would literally make me cry.
I would guess there is an addiction and I would strongly advise you do what others have suggested and get your credit scores check. You could probably check his at the same time

so it's ridiculous to be so protective of separate pots of money, especially if you have a child

Not if he’s gambling it isn’t!

You need to leave before you sink. This won’t go away.

He can bitch to his landlord that he has to give him rent once the tenancy is up and you move out. He can bitch to Sainsbury's that he has to give them money for food and drink. He can bitch to the power company that he has to give them money for power. See how he gets on.

He's self-employed, so you can count on his not paying to support his child.

But that's all you can count on him for. He will destroy you, leave you and your child homeless and in so much debt you won't even be able to rent, you'll have to go into homeless accommodation. You won't be able to get anything but emergency credit on a meter. You'll have nothing, no pension, savings or access to money because this is what gamblers do. They take everything and run up debt in other peoples' names. They feel entitled to everything.

He don't understand because it makes no sense because he is taking the piss. Stop tying yourself in knots. He is blaming you for the fact he hasn't got enough money to throw away at the bookies, he is begrudging you and the children having anything when he wants more for himself. He is a twat and I am sorry you've ended up like this. Time for a grown up talk, or blazing row with you setting himself straight and telling him some home truths instead of all this pretend don't understand, you get too much etc.

Ignore advice to own this problem in any way - make spreadsheets, give him ownership of bills, joint accounts, etc etc etc.

This person is financially abusive and an addict. The only good advice is to get yourself and your child away from him.

100 - 150 quid a month to cover his food and half of a baby's expenses? It sounds like you're subsidising him.

I understand that it must seem like you can't afford to live without him, but someone who has got through 100k in four years (that's more than he earns) is going to drain you dry eventually.

Look into what benefits etc. you'd be eligible for if you left. Make a plan to get out. It will be hard, but a few years after you're gone, you will be much better off than if you stayed with an addict (to both nicotine, that he admits, and to gambling that he hasn't but seems pretty darn obvious) who you cannot rely upon and who will not put you or his child before either of his addictions. Not even enough to try.

@Bumzoo

Okay so he says he doesn't know where it's gone this month but it's gone.

Fair enough. Do you sit with him and write it down and then he'll know.

He can't do that himself? She has special powers to do this because she has a vagina?

He knows where it's gone. He doesn't think he is required to support his child or put food in his mouth.

I fully expect to see this in one of those waiting room magazines like take - a - break, loads of these stories OP .
It's like watching in slow motion . Please take the advice and make plans to leave.

You need to give him some ownership over paying bills and household expenses

Without that - it just seems to him like he’s handing over money

Give him ownership and insight

All that will do is another unpaid bill.

I would run.

This isn’t about him being short of money but choosing to spend more than he can afford and then whinging about it.

Technically it isn’t his money if he can’t afford to live at the end of the month.

I would ask to sit down with all of yours and his bank statements to see where his money is going and why despite having £100,000 in cash and a £1000 per month over the last 5 years and no bills there isn’t anything to show for it.

I don’t see a way out apart from cut your loses.

Interested to know what your Credit file says.

Saying it is his money is fine if he lived alone but he has a child and responsibilities.

He can do anything he likes with his money when you aren’t there and before he had a child.

Time to grow up.

Oh I couldn't be doing with all that. Tell him he's a gambler, he needs to rein it in be an adult don't blame you for his habit that lets money slip through his fingers. Add to that, he's to leave you alone you don't want to hear it, his job is to sort his problem out.

He's your husband you live and sleep with him and should be able to tell him the score. Aside from that living with a gambling addict is very likely to render you broke and unable to enjoy life because of that. Just something else to think about.

Like fuck would I be depressed at his sulking games I'd carry on entirely as normal, leave him sitting there like a Jonah.

You're only 26..! Same age as my DD if she was with a waster like that I'd move heaven and earth to stop her wasting her good years on a loser that blights life.

You need to get rid. He can pay bills on his own in his own place, and whinge to the 4 walls about it.

You need to find out what your credit rating is and make sure he’s not opening up credit cards etc in your name. Separate as much as you can financially from him. And then leave him.

As others have said, he doesn’t sound the type to make sure he pays his child maintenance so you’ll have to go through the CMS and hope they’re able to get it out of him. But even without that, as a working single mum you could be eligible for some top up benefits and help with rent, so you could end up better off financially than you are now subsidising this loser. Please find your self respect and leave him. He’s literally a waster. And will drag you and your child down with him if you stay.

@Sometimesfraught82

You need to give him some ownership over paying bills and household expenses

Without that - it just seems to him like he’s handing over money

Give him ownership and insight

This would be good advice if it wasn't likely he was addicted to gambling. With a gambling addict this is a recipe for financial disaster leaving you potentially facing debts and eviction which will make it harder to extricate yourself and your child from the relationship and get on a more stable path.

@Sometimesfraught82

You need to give him some ownership over paying bills and household expenses

Without that - it just seems to him like he’s handing over money

Give him ownership and insight

Don't do this. He'll piss it away and expect @user011 aka as his mum to bail him out.

He will ruin your health, financial security and nerves if you stay with him. My ex was a gambler and blame me/others for his lack of money.

Apparently I spent too much on food and bills. One of his last acts when DS was six months old was to insist that the heating was turned off if he wasnt at home. What with him being a king and all.

I worked hard, provided for DS and have a secure financial present and future and he is a broken old man with nothing.

I would leave now whilst you can.

Apologies, I misread his car insurance is £90, plus his phone bill comes from your account. That's even worse as it's more!

I worked in the gambling industry for 20 years,he is chasing those big bets he used to put on when he had 100k. This will not stop until he hits rock bottom as he is in the cycle of chasing that big win. Anything he wins will go straight back onto another horse. I saw this time and time again and it is worse online as there is no human to stop you and to physically take the money off him.

He will have debts either now or in the future and you need to protect your own credit now before it affects you. Gamcare was the charity when I worked there, might be of use. Unfortunately I never saw this end well. They just keep gambling until they have nothing left.

OP you do realise this is financial abuse? You have no idea where money is going (how the f does 100k disappear), he gets abusive and blames you when he falls short on bills, he begrudges giving you money even though he earns more and you're at home taking care of your child.

Leave him, don't let him teach your child that this is how you treat people you love and that this is how little you are worth respecting.

OP you've also mentioned he works "cash in hand" at the weekends.

You do realise that if the HMRC ever find out he'll get a massive bill from them as well as potential jail time?

It may be unlikely, but it is possible. You really would do better if you unshackled yourself from this man.

OP you need to ditch him, he sounds beyond useless. All of his money is family money yet he's spunking nearly a grand up the wall every month.

Ask to see his bank account, he has no right to financial privacy.

Do you mean he gives you £150 extra per month!? That’s not a lot for food to be split? Say you spend 80-100 per week- you’re talking between 320-400 a month and then there’s all the kid stuff. I don’t know if I’ve missed the age of your little one but I’ve a three year old and 7 month old and probably pay about 80-90 in kids clubs/activities (at least!)

If I were you (and I could be bothered), the next moment he whines I’d say “right let’s go through all our outgoings etc” and be really thorough. This will probably scare him!

Also, have a look for the average priced rental, what benefits you’d be entitled to and what maintenance you would receive based on his salary.

and he is now saying well I dont know where its all gone but it has

then fucking find out where it's all gone. Is this person actually a functioning adult or not?

Gosh OP, he has wasted an average of £37k per year since 2017. That's a lot of gambling (if that's what he's doing). It's also £148k he could have put towards a house

If he's gambling then it's an addiction and it controls him.

I think you need to establish if he is a gambling addict first.
Then establish whether he will accept help and try to break the addiction.
His response will tell you what you should do to protect yourself and your child.

You may love him, but if he is sinking, do you want to go down with the ship or jump out while you can?

He earns more but complains about £100 towards shopping? I bet this doesnt even cover his half, let alone things for the baby.

Make plans to leave. See what UC you would be entitled to. As a PP said it's unlikely this man would pay child support. As hes self employed her find ways to dodge it.

Sorry, it all sounds awful. Hes a twat.

Make sure your name isnt on a joint account with him. In case he gets loans/overdrafts in your joint name which you become liable for. Id keep all money separate.