In law trying to invite themself to medical appointment

[AnotherInLawOne]

Is it normal to try to invite yourself onto another family members medical appointment? Sil tried to invite herself to an online appointment with the paediatrician for our dc who is in the process of being diagnosed for autism. In the appointment my dh's and my personal medical information (that I have OCD and aspergers) could be shared. This is information I would not want shared with my in laws as they don't respect boundaries. Especially since some in laws (mostly mil) has thought that dc's behaviour, speech delay and not being potty trained yet is due to my bad parenting.
AIBU that it's pushing a boundary to try to invite yourself onto another family members medical appointment?

It's not about what people ask of you, people will always be nosey fuckers.

It's how you react.

"Hahahahaha No - as if? … You're joking, right?"

Whatever the CF question, that is the answer. There are many many variations on how you can word it, but it'll only take a couple of times and they generally get the message!

Mil literally asked about what examinations I was having on my vagina after having dc. My own mother would not intrude like that and ask such a question.

My MIL asked inappropriate questions about our contraception - she wanted me sterilized - though suggestion DH could be sterilized was met with absolute horror - neither option was anything we were considering. She also tried reading my pg notes thought her and FIL would choose our DC school's and other strange stuff they wouldn't countance their own parents having got involved in.

I agree with PP it's how you handle it push back very firmly and tell them they're being inappropriate and take the piss if you can - I found that stop things fastest.

Are you and they British and in UK?

@Aquamarine1029

Stop sharing sensitive information about your child's condition, appointments, etc, with your horrible in-laws. It's really not hard.

Agree

In all of these threads I can’t help but think... why can’t you just say no?

Thanks for showing interest in our dc SIL but it’s not appropriate for you to be involved in our private medical appointments. Thanks for the concern though.

Honestly, if I couldn't trust my DH to respect my (and our child's) boundaries regarding medical treatment I'd be cutting HIM out of the appointments and sharing with him only what I didn't mind the whole world knowing.

I would relish being the 'Bad dil' with this bunch of loons. Is it a phone consultation? Can you make sure you're elsewhere, alone to take the call?

I’ve had this argument with my DH for years and years about how much he shares with his DM about our lives, she is impossibly nosy and can never hear enough. I find it skin crawlingly intrusive. Especially as I know she has no problem then tattling on to whoever will listen as she’d rather be able to share any kind of inane gossip than say nothing. Drives me fucking spare.

I’ve just learned to deflect any questions she directs to me, have as little contact as possible and leave them to it. In fairness, even she wouldn’t have the front to try to get in on a medical appointment. That’s quite something.

Take matters into your own hands, text SIL and say what Fieldofstars said. Mute all the other chat groups. BOUNDARIES OP!

Having been through the diagnosis period with my son, i have to admit i found it quote invasive even though it was just me and him! Absolutely inappropriate to ask to be part of this - it's totally confidential and unless you asked for support there is no need for anyone else to be involved.
Try not focus on her adn just focus on the appointment - the ados is a long drawn out process as it is - keep your energy for you!

Even if she doesn’t join the appointment, it sounds like your DH will probably share all the details, including yours, with his weird family. Tell him to say No firmly to his sister; tell him not to give them any details about what was said at the appointment - and tell him to put proper boundaries in place with his parents and family.

I’d be tempted to suggest that if he didn’t, I’d be discussing his meat and veg with a focus group comprising of my family, a few friends and the woman next door who’s just dying to hear all about his equipment.

Your DH is the problem as much as your SIL.

With your dh I’d be going without him.
Tell dsil to mind her own business.

Bloody hell, OP, what the hell did you say?
I was furious he exactly told her, he said he would stop sharing my medical information. Still shares his and dc's.

Do they come right out and say “you’re shit parents” or are they more “subtle” so he can pretend to misinterpret what they’re saying?
The subtle type then turn it around on us saying I can't believe you think of me like that when we question it. Or I didn't know you just don't share enough with us.

I imagine this has been going on for a long time with them
Yes and it got worse after getting married then again after having dc

What does your DH say when you tell him to stop giving them information about personal things? he says he will share less, but she ends up using emotional guilt trips or calling and hounding him constantly about it. She called every day to try to ask if I had stopped breastfeeding when we had dc and then asking why not. That was after bursting into my room while I was breastfeeding and went on about why I should give it up.

Is SIL neurodiverse? not sure but don't think so

Is she his older sister his younger sister

The problem is that your DH is so used to them trampling over his boundaries that it FEELS normal to him Yes this definitely is the case

south Asian by any chance OP?
Are you and they British and in UK?
They are half Eastern european half British

Has he answered the text
BUT has your DH said absolutely not going to happen SIL and don't ever ask again? No he replied with a no thanks. He did not mention anything about boundaries

Any disclosure of your mental health data, as you suspect, will most definitely be used against you by SIL and MIL. It will offer a convenient excuse to take your decisions even less seriously than they already do now. Definitely agree this would be the case

Does your SIL live with you? Do your PILs live with you? No thank goodness

randomlyLostInWales what did dh say to wanting you sterilized

Especially as I know she has no problem then tattling on to whoever will listen as she’d rather be able to share any kind of inane gossip than say nothing That's like mine, she once told me about dh's cousin being in therapy and the reason she was in therapy. Very private details she would not want shared.

Gosh that sounds ghastly. Your dh needs to get some separation in place one how or this will always be a problem...

She needs to be reminded that your child is an individual with basic rights to privacy around their medical records. Childrens doctors appointments aren’t spectator sports and your SIL sounds toxic.

Your DH needs to stop sharing any of the DC's medical details as well. It's absolutely not OK for him to do that. He can do what he likes with his own medical issues, but he is not the sole guardian of the children's or your medical situation and he has no right to break confidentiality on anyone else's info without their explicit say-so, even his children.

He could respond with "Ask @AnotherInLawOne - I don't remember the details". They won't, or if they do, then YOU can tell them to butt the fuck out as it's none of their business. Normally I'd say he has to tell them to butt the fuck out himself - but if he's incapable of doing so, due to weakness and conditioning, then you might have to take on the role yourself until he can get a grasp of how to STFU about anyone else's business than his own.

This annoys the tits off me, tbh. My MIL is another such one and I wouldn't tell her anything I didn't want spread around her entire friend and family circle because she just Loooooves to gossip. But at least she's not a judgemental bitch with it, so that's a bonus.

AnotherInLawOne She'd seperated me from the herd as it were before hand so I told him afterwards and he was a bit wtf she's mad - however we'd had years of comments by then bf, weaning judging our parenting - I'd been through the anger and hurt and pissed off phase and by then had DH on side and eyes opened so it was more wtf and bit funny.

Few months later we were pretty sure we weren't having more - and suddenly FIL was decdieng we would and putting the broken cot in the loft so it would be harder to get rid of .

Actually it was about then my family got really bad for gossip as well - and TBF if it's made clear there's a boundary and yes it does apply to MIL she does comply you just have to push back.

DSis ex's Mum was much worse and she never saw a boundary she couldn't trample over - her stories are astounding.

If you can control information is gets easier - it's not always possible but also trying to head problems off - clearly tell your DH that he shouldn't mention appointments till afterwards when you'll have more information and less worry - it shouldn't be necessary but if you get him to agree a plan before hand it can help manage the situation.