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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In law trying to invite themself to medical appointment

116 replies

AnotherInLawOne · 02/06/2021 12:54

Is it normal to try to invite yourself onto another family members medical appointment? Sil tried to invite herself to an online appointment with the paediatrician for our dc who is in the process of being diagnosed for autism. In the appointment my dh's and my personal medical information (that I have OCD and aspergers) could be shared. This is information I would not want shared with my in laws as they don't respect boundaries. Especially since some in laws (mostly mil) has thought that dc's behaviour, speech delay and not being potty trained yet is due to my bad parenting.
AIBU that it's pushing a boundary to try to invite yourself onto another family members medical appointment?

OP posts:
BobLemon · 02/06/2021 13:48

To use an old but very true MN adage “you have a DH problem.”

Original poster
AnotherInLawOne · 02/06/2021 13:49

Is there a pattern of treating your husband and by extension you, like children? Yes definitely

OP posts:
SparklyLeprechaun · 02/06/2021 13:51

Who the fuck does that? Has she got too much time on her hands? I can barely be bothered attending my own and my kids' medical appointments, let alone invite myself to someone else's.

mynameisbrian · 02/06/2021 13:52

Oh dear that is awful. They sound terrible and I would be keeping my DC away from people who think it is your bad parenting that is the cause of your DC behaviours. Sounds like SIL is looking for confirmation that the issue is with you and DH and nothing wrong with your DC. My outlaws thought we over egged my DS allergies, dismissed them, tried to take him as they could cure him. When they stupid arses gave him something and caused him to get ill we went NC for a year. You have enough on your plate going through the diagnostic process, your DH needs to stop over sharing and if he cant set boundaries then your going to have to

MoveOnTheCards · 02/06/2021 13:54

What would happen if you just picked it up and told them no? Seriously, worst case is they get the hump and bugger off?

BirthdayCakeBelly · 02/06/2021 13:56

Just say no 🤷‍♀️

katy1213 · 02/06/2021 13:57

You need to make it mighty clear to your husband that if he ever mentions anything of your private business again - be it medical, financial or what you're having for tea - he'll be kicked back to mommy dearest before his feet can touch the floor. What kind of man needs his mother's approbation for everything!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/06/2021 13:59

“Oooh - it would be lovely to have you join this private, medical appointment, SIL. And I shall look forward to joining you for your next smear - I’m sure that will make you so happy,”

MumW · 02/06/2021 14:03

Mil literally asked about what examinations I was having on my vagina after having dc. My own mother would not intrude like that and ask such a question.
Bloody hell, OP, what the hell did you say?

If DH doesn't step up and have your back over this, I'd be telling him that he was soon going to have a DW problem, as in exDW.

Have you tried discussing your DH's performance in the bedroom. Make something up and ask her if it's an issue that your FIL or SIL have any experience of. Just keep avoiding answering by throwing awkward questions back.

If you tell DH you'll be discussing his imaginary erectile disfunction/genital warts at every opportunity unless he stops sharing with them, do you think he might get the message.

StopPokingTheRoyalTitDear · 02/06/2021 14:04

@AnotherInLawOne

Is there a pattern of treating your husband and by extension you, like children? Yes definitely
You’ve definitely got a husband problem by the sound of it. Do they come right out and say “you’re shit parents” or are they more “subtle” so he can pretend to misinterpret what they’re saying?
Original poster
AnotherInLawOne · 02/06/2021 14:05

Oooh - it would be lovely to have you join this private, medical appointment, SIL. And I shall look forward to joining you for your next smear - I’m sure that will make you so happy I think this would go over her head. I think she thinks she can boss my Dh around and ask personal details about our lives but it is not okay if he did the same to her. It baffles me how she thinks it is okay and does not undestand the double standards of it.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 02/06/2021 14:07

I imagine this has been going on for a long time with them.

What does your DH say when you tell him to stop giving them information about personal things?

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 02/06/2021 14:07

Is SIL neurodiverse? Because, that smacks of unusual interpretation of social norms and fixated behaviour.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 02/06/2021 14:09

Omg. Remember this phrase: that doesnt work for us.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/06/2021 14:09

Is she his older sister, @AnotherInLawOne?

Whichever, that's massively over-intrusive and would be a flat No from me too. How dare they think they have ANY kind of right to this!

If your DH can't learn to stand up for himself AND you & the family, then he is a very large part of the problem.

Grimacingfrog · 02/06/2021 14:09

The problem is that your DH is so used to them trampling over his boundaries that it FEELS normal to him. It's just what he's used to. Tell him that if they really thought it was acceptable, they'd be sharing back about all their private medical info.

I'd make it clear to DH that he's destroying your trust by sharing with them. It's really a big deal. I'd be tempted to say that it gets in the way of you telling him personal stuff if he can't respect your boundaries.

And I'm not even the type that's obsessed with privacy. But they don't at all sound like it's coming from a good place but rather using the info they glean from your DH as a stick to beat you (and your parenting) with.
Not cool!

Starlightstarbright1 · 02/06/2021 14:10

If you want the polite answer.

It is just for parents .

I do agree you need to talk to Dh.. this is not ok.

Wombats12 · 02/06/2021 14:11

I'm neurodivergent. I'd never dream of attending a sibling's appt...

Its hard enough describing this stuff, never mind having a bloody audience.

opmamatrist · 02/06/2021 14:12

It's completely unreasonable and really very weird! Why do they want to get involved in things that are none of their business? Random question, are you south Asian by any chance OP?

2bazookas · 02/06/2021 14:13

Just tell SIL "NO. This is a private consult",

If she doesn't give up you'll have to say NO ruder

"NO, you are not invited, it''s a private consult"

"NO, MYOB"

DishingOutDone · 02/06/2021 14:15

You say it baffles you why they think it’s ok; doesn’t baffle me - your DH enables it. What would happen if you said to her this is not normal what you are suggesting is wrong and offensive -?

Dullardmullard · 02/06/2021 14:15

@AnotherInLawOne

It’ll have been cooked up between her and your ILs, something like “I’ll ask to go along, brother is spineless so he’ll let me, and then I’ll report back when the doctor tells them they’re shit parents... yeah I think so, because some of them think we are making the autism up and its our shit parenting
This with bells on they don’t believe you and want to blame it all on your apparent shit parenting

Has he answered the text
I’d text back and say no don’t be daft

newnortherner111 · 02/06/2021 14:17

Just say no.

Were I a doctor I would be uncomfortable with anyone other than parents attending. One of the reasons why I support anyone learning the language of the country they move to is so that medical treatment can remain private, especially for women and children.

Notaroadrunner · 02/06/2021 14:19

Seeing as your Dh won't stand up to his family, it's up to you to let SIL that your family's private medical appointments are none of her business. Set boundaries, even if it is late in the relationship. Who cares if they get annoyed with you. And tell Dh to cop on and stop sharing information with them.

blahblahblah321 · 02/06/2021 14:21

Jeez what a flipping cheek Shock

It staggers me that anyone thinks this is ok