In law trying to invite themself to medical appointment

[AnotherInLawOne]

Is it normal to try to invite yourself onto another family members medical appointment? Sil tried to invite herself to an online appointment with the paediatrician for our dc who is in the process of being diagnosed for autism. In the appointment my dh's and my personal medical information (that I have OCD and aspergers) could be shared. This is information I would not want shared with my in laws as they don't respect boundaries. Especially since some in laws (mostly mil) has thought that dc's behaviour, speech delay and not being potty trained yet is due to my bad parenting.
AIBU that it's pushing a boundary to try to invite yourself onto another family members medical appointment?

Say in reply
"Sure, when is your next OB-GYN appointment, I've been dying to go with you to that".
See what they say.

Your DH needs to say "No, you can't come to any medical appointment that we have for any of us. That's insane asking to do that. What are you on....glue or something???"

I think there's nothing to think about, really. Just say no. And you must know that their behaviour is not normal at all.
Why would anyone allow sil to sit in the medical appointment of their child, unless she has some background or whatever, and you asked them for whatever reason.

Your in-laws are massively overstepping boundaries. Don't let them make you feel bad or think that you are being unreasonable. You are completely in the right. It is very unusual for someone to come along to a medical appointment, who does not have parental authority or some other legal caring relation to the patient in question (your child). It is even weirder when this person invites themselves to such an appointment. It is completely intrusive.

Just make your husband write to SIL and say that it is a private medical appointment, and although he will of course let them know if there are any serious concerns about DC's health, he and you, being the parents, will be the only ones there.

Any disclosure of your mental health data, as you suspect, will most definitely be used against you by SIL and MIL. It will offer a convenient excuse to take your decisions even less seriously than they already do now. On that note, when discussing boundaries with your husband, perhaps you can suggest that he should consult with you first before sharing anything on sensitive topics, such as the health of either you or your DC, your parenting, or your financial situation.

I hope you get what you need from the medical appointment with your DC. Best of luck with everything!

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria

Is SIL neurodiverse? Because, that smacks of unusual interpretation of social norms and fixated behaviour.

Or is it a cultural issue?

No person who has any understanding of English social norms would ever do this but maybe there are other cultures where over involvement in other peoples' lives is quite acceptable.

Just say no. Blame Covid restrictions if your DH doesn’t have the balls to just tell them it’s not appropriate for them to be there.

It got to a point Mil was trying to pick out gifts for distant relatives

What would that have to do with you though?

Clearly she is overstepping here; what has your DH replied? Does he think she should come?

If the only way to avoid this shit is to leave him, I'd do it. Although that would mean that he and his family would get them on their own at times.

Unreasonable behaviour, and hopefully a judge would see how far he's overstepping the mark and limit contact. But at least you could keep your own medical information private, and limit what you tell him about DC - normally frowned on on MN, but in this case, justified.

What was your DH's thoughts on whether she should be at the appointment?

If you are both in agreement then it's time to tell your in laws in no uncertain terms that there are things that are private between the two of you that are none of their business.

If your DH sees no problem then he needs a wake up call, this is not ok at all.

You won’t resolve this nonsense until your Dh starts listening to you and agreeing on boundaries for his family. He is an enormous part of the problem. You need to decide how to handle him, you are going to have to be very strong about this.

Your updates show that your problem is clearly with your husband, not your inlaws.

Can your DH not tell her where to go? Why are you having to deal with this crap. Make your DH do his job and tell his sister to back right off and stop interfering.

@MumW

Mil literally asked about what examinations I was having on my vagina after having dc. My own mother would not intrude like that and ask such a question. Bloody hell, OP, what the hell did you say?

If DH doesn't step up and have your back over this, I'd be telling him that he was soon going to have a DW problem, as in exDW.

Have you tried discussing your DH's performance in the bedroom. Make something up and ask her if it's an issue that your FIL or SIL have any experience of. Just keep avoiding answering by throwing awkward questions back.

If you tell DH you'll be discussing his imaginary erectile disfunction/genital warts at every opportunity unless he stops sharing with them, do you think he might get the message.

And what use was she hoping to make of that information... I'm occasionally amazed at the conversations that apparently happen in families, according to MN, but that's a new one, for sure. He and his mother must be very very close, to feel comfortable discussing your genitals.

Discuss your dh having the snip or his prostate checked. Ask him how many chairs should you tell the GP you will need for you all to attend?

some people are nosy beyond the point of acceptability. Sometimes we are related to them.

My DM overshares. When she told a random friend of hers that we had a referral for DS1 regarding suspected tourettes (to go with every other thing he has) her friend e-mailed me and said ;I have a friend who is a TA. when you get the report on DS send it to me [third party I have met once] and I will share it with [insert 4th party I have never met] and she can give advice.' (You know, as opposed to the advice I could get from actual qualified people I had consented to examine my child).

My DM never ever got any further info about my children at that point on.

Did your DH say No?
If not, he needs to do that.

Even if he's said No, I'd also be worried that your DH would pass on info about your health, if his relatives ask about how the appointment went.

DH really needs to get a grip.

YANBU, but I wonder if your SIL knows someone who's been assessed for autism as an adult? It's common for adults to take along a sibling or parent, or to have phone/written input from someone who has known the person as a child and can comment on early development. My sister did this when I was assessed, but it's only because there's not all the evidence that is available for a child from school, etc, and it's only for a brief part of the assessment. In any case OP and her dh are there as parents so there's no need for any other family input.

Clearly, this is unreasonable of SIL and totally inappropriate BUT has your DH said absolutely not going to happen SIL and don't ever ask again? If not, your DH needs to shut this type of behaviour down by telling his family that it is inappropriate and they need to have some boundaries.

Also, what did you say when your MIL asked you about your examinations? I think DH's family need to know that your medical appointments are personal and absolutely none of their business. This is totally inappropriate behaviour. I am pretty sure they don't share their medical appointments/information with you and DH.

They clearly have no respect or boundaries and unless your DH deals with this firmly now it will just continue.

@AnotherInLawOne YANBU that is private, don't let her. x

Yup, that's a dh problem. Your problem is his family, which sadly also includes him.

Tell SIL no. If dh says yes, tell her no. And tell him no. If she insists, tell her no again. If she arrives at the appointment, explain to the consultant and have her barred or removed.

Your dc deserve privacy. They will not thank you or dh for oversharing when they are older.

If your in-laws say you must be shit parents, just say, yeah, must be that. Do not share an autism diagnosis with people who will use it as ammunition. Against your child.

Just to be clear here.
This is not "pushing a boundary"
This is so fucking rude and disrespectful that you deserve a contrite apology.
It's saying you are a shit parent causing the issues. If you dh didn't rebuff this he needs to do so immediately and also apologise.

Use the C word. Ie. Confidentiality. Ie. All medical appointments are confidential.

You could also blag it and say only parents are allowed to attend.

Does your SIL live with you? Do your PILs live with you? This sounds so strange - I can't imagine a situation where my SIL would even know that we mad any doctor consultations booked, let alone ask to attend them. What on earth is her reasonin for wanting to be there? She must have expressed why she thinks it's useful or necessary?

Use the c word.
Cunts is more appropriate for your ils op..

The only answer to your SIL should have been "Absolutely not, it would be completely inappropriate, you weirdo ". Get your spineless DH to practice this phrase.