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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and lack of planning!

82 replies

Lettuceforlunch · 02/06/2021 08:09

So, last thing last night, I find out that DH needs to be at work until 10pm tonight. He hadn’t told me, it’s unusual, but there is definitely an event he needs to attend. It seems he’s been so wrapped up in things with colleagues and the assumption I’d be around to look after the DC due to Covid, he didn’t think to check.

I do have plans tonight, as it goes. It’s my first gym class since the pandemic and it’s 7:30-8:30. We discussed it last week and how I was looking forward to going back!!! Even he remembers the conversation but did not twig to the clash. I couldn’t twig to the clash as I didn’t know there was one...

He’s now annoyed he might miss his work event. But how is this my fault? He’s the one who failed to plan. Obviously, a work event would trump a gym class any day of the week, I’d never try to sabotage his career. But - this is entirely of his own making and is not the first time. AIBU to make a stand?

OP posts:

Aprilx · 02/06/2021 08:16

Obviously this is not your fault, nevertheless I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. He presumably forgot when the event was and sometimes events come up unexpectedly too. There are plenty of gym classes you could easily go to another one, or you could insist he misses the event because you are the blameless party here.

mamas12 · 02/06/2021 08:20

It is disrespectful to you
Suggest he needs to book a sitter for that tine you’re in the gym and to pay for it if needs
No need for either to miss what you’re doing but he needs to sort it

Original poster

Lettuceforlunch · 02/06/2021 08:24

@Aprilx - I know, it does sound petty. But - it’s one (yet another) in a long line of him thinking about himself and not the needs of the rest of the family, or me. One DC is 10 - it’s not like he’s not used to having DC! There are other classes, just not with this same group of friends who’ve been looking forward to getting back together.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lettuceforlunch · 02/06/2021 08:25

@mamas12 - him booking a sitter would involve me pulling in a favour from a friend. I don’t think he’s ever booked a sitter in the last decade

OP posts:

VeganCheesePlease · 02/06/2021 08:27

It's very annoying and I get why you're annoyed. However, I wouldn't make him miss the event. Have a talk about how you're annoyed that he has disregarded something important to you and get your feelings across, then book a different slot for the gym is what I would do.

scaredsadandstuck · 02/06/2021 08:29

This is 100% the sort of thing my H would do (and has done many, many times). It just feels so selfish, even if it is a 'mistake' which is what my H always calls it. You start to think how many times can it be a mistake before it isn't anymore and it's just downright disrespectful and self centered??

DeathStare · 02/06/2021 08:32

Stand your ground. It sounds like this is a pattern. You need to start pushing back sometime and he will always try to convince you that that this is an unreasonable time to push back.

YellowFish12 · 02/06/2021 08:33

However, I wouldn't make him miss the event.

And then he will never change if there are no consequences.

DeathStare · 02/06/2021 08:34

@scaredsadandstuck it's only a mistake because he lives in a context where he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his mistakes as he has someone (you) to deal with the consequences of his mistakes for him so he doesn't feel the need to take care not to make mistakes.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/06/2021 08:35

Ask him how many times he has double booked work things for himself - meetings, presentations, training etc.

If the answer is never, why does he do it with you? Because your stuff is less important? Because he uses strategies (which he could replicate at home) to make sure he isnt double booked?

Either way he could do better. And rather than just explain how let down you feel, ask him how he plans to sort this out so it never happens again.

LannieDuck · 02/06/2021 08:36

He's assuming you're 'default parent'. Like those men who walk out the door to go cycling at the weekend without giving a second thought to who's going to look after their children.

I agree - make him book a sitter. He'll have to find someone online.

MaybeCrazy2 · 02/06/2021 08:37

It’s not the work thing that’s the problem, it’s his selfishness I’m not thinking of others in the family.

I’d go gym, maybe it will teach him a lesson.

Nuggetnugget · 02/06/2021 08:37

I would usually say work is more important but the only way to teach a lesson is to make him sort it. It is belittling to pressume you have less important things in your life than he does.
So maybe make a stand and it won't happen next time.

Tisgrand · 02/06/2021 08:38

V annoying OP, if it was me I'd probably give in to him with bad grace! Going forward' create a shared calendar on your phones and tell him to check it before agreeing to anything. From then on I'd be sticking to my guns.

Janaih · 02/06/2021 08:39

Ask him how many times he has double booked work things for himself - meetings, presentations, training etc.

This with bells on!

scaredsadandstuck · 02/06/2021 08:39

[quote DeathStare]@scaredsadandstuck it's only a mistake because he lives in a context where he doesn't have to deal with the consequences of his mistakes as he has someone (you) to deal with the consequences of his mistakes for him so he doesn't feel the need to take care not to make mistakes.[/quote]
I know. You're absolutely right. Genuinely more annoyed with myself at times than with him!

ApolloandDaphne · 02/06/2021 08:40

I imagine given you haven't been to the gym for a long time it just slipped his mind. I keep forgetting about stuff as it's so long since DH or I have been able to do things out of the house. I would cut him some slack this time and rebook the gym for next time. I would also suggest doing family calendar sharing on your phones so you all know who is doing what, when.

suspiria777 · 02/06/2021 08:42

Get him to sort out a babysitter. This is not your responsibility to fix, it's his.

MournfulTromboneNoise · 02/06/2021 08:51

@ApolloandDaphne

Could wipe his arse for him too?

DreamingNow · 02/06/2021 09:09

He is taking you for granted.
@Lettuceforlunch will always be there for the dc, not my issue and I am coming first anyway.

And he will think that because I suspect you have been accommodating him again and again. Why would he need to make an effort if each time there is a ‘clash’ you step and out your own plans aside?

Outbutnotoutout · 02/06/2021 09:12

Get a joint calendar 📅 on your mobile and make sure all appointments are put in there.

Not in the calendar, not happening!!!

I think he should sort out childcare for your class.

DreamingNow · 02/06/2021 09:14

@ApolloandDaphne

I disagree.

Because it’s nit a one off where he forgot because of the current circumstances, but something that has happened before. Again and again.

If he is ‘forgetting’ that sort if things so often, surely HE should be setting up a system such as a calendar?

FWIW, DH used to do that a lot. Would book a day for his hobby but not tell me until the evening before, expecting me to be there etc... Same with work.
I got a calendar and told him everything had to go there. It didn’t.
Then one day, I booked a performance with family (one he was involved with), put it on the calendar but he ‘forgot’ and booked tickets for another performance. He lost the cost of tickets and couldn’t go because ‘mine’ had been on for a while. He just didn’t ‘think’ to check...

It never happened again.... somehow he thought that I would always step down and work around him and his wishes. Tough.

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2021 09:18

Is it a purely social thing with work or would missing it affect his career? If the latter I probably wouldn't make a stand this time but I'd let him sweat it and tell him he needs to sort childcare. But yes yanbu to be pissed off

ZenNudist · 02/06/2021 09:20

In normal life gym class is nothing but post Covid this is an event for you. Put yourself first for once. You told him. He didn't pay attention. If his work event was so important he should have checked with you.

Work event doesn't trump gym. Client meeting does.

Don't let him take you for granted

SanFrancisco49er · 02/06/2021 09:22

I probably wouldn't make a stand if it involves him missing a work event (unless it meant I would also miss a work event) but I would turn it back to him.

I would say to him, we have a clash, what do YOU want to do about it? Can you find a baby sitter? If not, who do you think cancels their event? And if he picks you, reiterate 'Ok, so you want me to cancel, when can I re book for?' Make him use his brain to think these things through too, don't just make it easy.
We also have a calendar, if my husband asks a mindless question he could answer himself, I say look at the calendar. And if he plans something and hasn't checked the calendar, it's honestly not my problem. I love my husband very much and he's a fantastic person but I'm not a secretary for the family!

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