DH and lack of planning!

[Lettuceforlunch]

So, last thing last night, I find out that DH needs to be at work until 10pm tonight. He hadn’t told me, it’s unusual, but there is definitely an event he needs to attend. It seems he’s been so wrapped up in things with colleagues and the assumption I’d be around to look after the DC due to Covid, he didn’t think to check.

I do have plans tonight, as it goes. It’s my first gym class since the pandemic and it’s 7:30-8:30. We discussed it last week and how I was looking forward to going back!!! Even he remembers the conversation but did not twig to the clash. I couldn’t twig to the clash as I didn’t know there was one...

He’s now annoyed he might miss his work event. But how is this my fault? He’s the one who failed to plan. Obviously, a work event would trump a gym class any day of the week, I’d never try to sabotage his career. But - this is entirely of his own making and is not the first time. AIBU to make a stand?

It's a work event until 10pm, under normal circumstances I'd say work takes priority but this is repeated behaviour.

Additionally, for single parent a work event until 10pm would be massively difficult and things kind of things are skewed towards men, who have someone else to pick up the slack and their caring responsibilities.

I ordered a weekly and monthly planner download off Etsy and every week we have a meeting.... Its worked wonders and my husband is the MOST forgetful man I have ever met. We also go through our daily plans over coffee each morning so that helps too.

I earn 80% of our combined income. DH is supposedly the "primary" parent. And yet.... here we are at half term and he hasn't considered a single thing to do with the DC, he hasn't made any attempt to shift his work schedule etc. And the scary thing is that my DH is one of the "good ones".

This whole, "my work, which I must be free to do whenever I need to because it is Very Important Man's Work" is part of the deeply inbuilt misogyny across our entire society and it infuriates me.

On plus side, this thread has inspired me to go down now and tell DH that this is not okay and that for all future holidays the default is that he has to make arrangements for at least a few days a week so that I'm not left sorting everything out.

My DH does this all the time too. No amount of telling him how inconsiderate it is makes him change. It wasn't until I left him to deal with the consequences that he changed his behaviour. Go to your gym class. If his work event is that important he needs to source childcare because this is what happens when he doesn't communicate with his wife. If you bail him out, he won't learn and it will keep happening.

@SpaceOp - I hear you! We both work and I have organised every activity for the kids this week. He just wouldn’t think to do it and then get annoyed on Monday because the kids didn’t want to go to the beach for the day. They’d been busy over the weekend, had plans to meet friends at the park and then have various other busy days. Their one quiet, local day - he comes along and gets upset because no one wants his chosen day out! Maybe if he’d communicated sooner, we could have worked it in! As it is, with Covid, it’s been a feat to organise/book entry to/reserve any kind of attraction and I think I’ve done well to do what he have done! Rather than appreciating this, he feels hard done by because with children with differing needs, plus Covid, it’s hard to be as spontaneous as he might have liked to be!

@NamechangeApril21

My DH does this all the time too. No amount of telling him how inconsiderate it is makes him change. It wasn't until I left him to deal with the consequences that he changed his behaviour. Go to your gym class. If his work event is that important he needs to source childcare because this is what happens when he doesn't communicate with his wife. If you bail him out, he won't learn and it will keep happening.

Totally agree. And even if childcare is pulling in a favour from one of YOUR friends, leave him to do it. DH was supposed to take a day off one half term, forgot to book it and had to do exactly that. And in the end, he had my friend's children another day and sent ours to her on the day he had to work. Nothing to do with me. except where of course my friend thinks Dh is a god for organising childcare and tells me how "lucky" I am

Ps - he was fully aware of these things going on, just didn’t really ‘register’ they were happening, if that makes sense?

Definitely go. I would ring him half an hour before he would need to leave to get home and say 'are you ready to head home?' Don't allow him the excuse of 'lost track of time' 'was caught up with work'..

Also, if you do get back and the kids aren't in bed, don't take over. It's still his job.

@SpaceOp

I earn 80% of our combined income. DH is supposedly the "primary" parent. And yet.... here we are at half term and he hasn't considered a single thing to do with the DC, he hasn't made any attempt to shift his work schedule etc. And the scary thing is that my DH is one of the "good ones".

This whole, "my work, which I must be free to do whenever I need to because it is Very Important Man's Work" is part of the deeply inbuilt misogyny across our entire society and it infuriates me.

On plus side, this thread has inspired me to go down now and tell DH that this is not okay and that for all future holidays the default is that he has to make arrangements for at least a few days a week so that I'm not left sorting everything out.

My XH and l had certain weeks of each holiday that were our responsibility. It mainly fell to me as l get more leave. If it was left to days each week, he would never have sorted it.

It still came as a shock though when he left, that he now has far more holiday's to cover.... he just assumed we'd carry on as when married.

Silly man

Buy him a diary.

Not only should you go to the gym but I think you should stay over with a friend afterwards (if covid rules apply).

He’ll likely do his usual last minute cycle at a million miles an hour, having left too late to be home on time anyway, and then be all aggrieved as he stands there puffing and panting that he’s bust a gut to be home on time... I can guarantee if I do get to my class, I’ll get back and the DC won’t be ready for or in bed.

Can you call in a favour with a friend relative for them to cover between you leaving and DH coming home?

I earn 80% of our combined income. DH is supposedly the "primary" parent

What is the split of working hours?

Could you text him half an hour before he would be due to leave work to say "Jusy checking you're on your way home as I know you wouldn't want to make me late for my class."

I know you shouldn't have to, but should hopefully ease the anxiety on your side if you know he's headed home.

If you have an Alexa or similar set a reminder for whatever time usual kids shower time is and have it go off whilst you're at the gym to say "send kids to the shower" and "put kids to bed" then he has zero excuse.

But long term you need to sit hom down and explain you are not his PA and you are not the default parent.

He needs to pull his weight otherwise what does he believe he brings to the partnership?

Parenting is a job like any other and if he does it badly and his "colleagues" have to pick up his slack, he will be resented and ultimately fired.

There's more than one problem here, and the biggest one isn't his lack of planning, though that does sound very, very annoying. However annoying it is, though, if the work event is actually important, I wouldn't make him miss it, because that would be to the potential detriment of the whole family, in terms of financial stability. There would, however, be a conversation about his failure to communicate and his assumption that I don't need to know things in advance.

The bigger problem imo is that he "can't" or won't parent his own children in your absence. That's pathetic, really.

Agree with PP, he needs a diary or a family calendar or something. It might be helpful to find a time at least once a week to check with one another. Is anything coming up this week? Anything unusual? Put it in the calendar.

You'll probably be the one remembering to remind him , but it might still be an improvement.

I think you should make a stand and he will have to apologise to his work for not attending (I cannot believe it is compulsory). One person's lack of planning or giving notice is their issue, not your problem.

Contact the Prime Minister as he seems an ideal cabinet minister!!!!

@Tossblanket

Buy him a diary.

Or he, being an adult, could buy himself a diary.

@Lettuceforlunch

Ps - he was fully aware of these things going on, just didn’t really ‘register’ they were happening, if that makes sense?

Sure he does. He totally registers it, he just doesn't give a fuck because he knows you'll pick up the slack and considers himself the Most Important Person in the House. Everyone else's needs and wants come after his. And he's enabled in this. By you. So STOP.

Go to the class. Get a friend to look after the kids til he gets in and then leave. Don't come back. Text, 'You need to put the kids to bed as I'm away out'.

This@osbertthesyrianhamster

Learned helplessness.

Help YOURSELF by not accepting this bullshit.

Why do women believe men living in the same bloody house as them, that they don't
🙈🙉🙊.

They do, they just don't give a shit and know that their MUG wives will pick up the slack.

Change YOURSELF OP.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I earn 80% of our combined income. DH is supposedly the "primary" parent

What is the split of working hours?

I am self employed and technically work full time. In reality, hours vary from quiet periods of a very pleasant 30-35 hours per week to times like now where I'm doing 50-60, including weekends etc.

He works about 15 hours but the time is admittedly quite extended beyond that as it's one-to-one work of between 1-3 hours at a time, for which he has to travel (although not miles - maybe 30 minutes commute per session. But I should note also that DH is a faffer so it's a standard joke that I can get back from a client meeting in the City faster than he can get back from a local job.....). So let's say 25 hours weekly?

Also relevant, in my opinion, is that his work tends to be in the mornings = so I am doing school run etc - or in the evenings - so I'm doing dinner/bed/bath time. Or he'll be out of the house say 8-11 in the morning, which during term time isn't the end of the world, but is annoying during holidays.

my DH is shit at planning as well. Difference is he knows it. What's worked best for us is having standard childcare nights (me - Mon/Wed/alternate Fri, him Tue/Thu/alternate Fri) which become routine. Anything falling on your childcare night needs advance discussion. It's nice to know that a couple of times a week I have flexibility to stay late, and fair that he has the same.

If he fails, he has to rearrange. From my POV on my own working days I can accommodate pretty much anything with four weeks' notice, but almost nothing with less than a weeks' notice.

Depends how important his job is and how important the work event is and whether missing it could affect his and the family's future income.

Depends whether he is the significantly major wage earner - because there are children to consider and not just you two.

Depends whether you could go to a substitute gym class in a day or two.

Depends whether if the roles were reversed you would expect or even hope that he would miss a gym class for you.

Depends whether you would allow him to arrange a babysitter /child minder of his choice.

Depends how difficult his job is and how long his days are compared with yours.

Depends whether you are having a great half-term week off with the kids and he is stuck in the office.

BUT to answer your question it is partly your fault (far more his fault) to use a system that you know doesn't work, particularly, for example and I accept it might not apply, if you talk to him about your arrangements just as he gets in from a long, hard day at work when you know he isn't really listening.

Urgh what a man child.

There are so many free apps out there for shared calendars, I'd ask for recommendations from family & friends on what they use. (ours is Family Wall).
For us, if the event is not on the calendar then it doesn't get to go ahead/the onus on childcare is to the person trying to double book.
Granted that it's still annoying from my POV to be the one to update it with where the kids need to be, but it solves a hell of alot of arguments when shit hits the fan!