DH and lack of planning!

[Lettuceforlunch]

So, last thing last night, I find out that DH needs to be at work until 10pm tonight. He hadn’t told me, it’s unusual, but there is definitely an event he needs to attend. It seems he’s been so wrapped up in things with colleagues and the assumption I’d be around to look after the DC due to Covid, he didn’t think to check.

I do have plans tonight, as it goes. It’s my first gym class since the pandemic and it’s 7:30-8:30. We discussed it last week and how I was looking forward to going back!!! Even he remembers the conversation but did not twig to the clash. I couldn’t twig to the clash as I didn’t know there was one...

He’s now annoyed he might miss his work event. But how is this my fault? He’s the one who failed to plan. Obviously, a work event would trump a gym class any day of the week, I’d never try to sabotage his career. But - this is entirely of his own making and is not the first time. AIBU to make a stand?

@Janaih

Ask him how many times he has double booked work things for himself - meetings, presentations, training etc.

This with bells on!

Absolutely this, it’s utterly infuriating to be the default parent and this could well be your “straw that breaks the camel’s back” moment.

Thanks for the advice. He’s gone into work with the aim of coming home in time for me to go to my class. We’ll see if he does in practice. He’ll likely do his usual last minute cycle at a million miles an hour, having left too late to be home on time anyway, and then be all aggrieved as he stands there puffing and panting that he’s bust a gut to be home on time... I can guarantee if I do get to my class, I’ll get back and the DC won’t be ready for or in bed.

I am generally very accommodating and try to make things work where we can, there’s no point in being deliberately obtuse as we’re meant to be a team. But, it seems to me that this team is very much slanted in his favour at the minute.

@ApolloandDaphne - I think this could have been very likely. However, I have talked about my gym class and the friends going.
He even asked if DC had their activities last night yesterday (why he isn’t aware they’re cancelled for half term when we get the same emails is another story) so has some (basic) ability to think things through. I did tell him that I feel taken for granted and won’t be made to feel bad due to his lack of planning. Not that it’s right but his DF is exactly the same and his DM is a martyr. I don’t know how she puts up with him. I think he’s been conditioned to be number one at all costs

Look, stop being such a wet lettuce. He's done this before. Until you stop enabling such selfish behaviour, it will carry on. Go to the gym.

This is a great opportunity for him to start to think about others and not just himself. Even better if it is a career thing, the hit will be harder. I really hope you dont give in OP, your DH needs to start to think of others.

I think he should miss the event - otherwise he'll never learn if there aren't any consequences.

@ZenNudist - you’ve summed it up perfectly. Apparently I was supposed to know he had a heavy workload this week. What he’d actually said to me was that Tuesday and Wednesday were busy days, fair enough. From that, surprisingly, I did not extrapolate that this included working until 10 both nights, zero contribution to childcare both evenings and the need for me to be available for childcare as he wouldn’t be. But he told me he had busy days, you see... What an idiot!!!

Regardless if he had remembered, work will always trump a gym class. You can book an alternative. Yes, annoying though

This would really annoy me and I think you should make a stand.

You could try having a planning calendar on the wall by the front door, I know it seems excessive when you're only a family of 3 but if he really cant remember stuff it helps.

If he doesn't put it on the calendar then his loss

I would tell him he has to make sure the children are ready for bed, as you won't be doing it.

If he is going out after you get back, he can't leave till its done

As general advice, I'd say get a shared calendar and agree between you that if things are in it they need paying attention to, and if they're not then the other person has no responsibility for what might happen.

But: He's assuming you're 'default parent'.
This is the real issue and he obviously has form.
Go to the gym.
I can guarantee if I do get to my class, I’ll get back and the DC won’t be ready for or in bed. Why not? Is he not capable of putting his children to bed? Have you ever asked him this question?

Similar situations here until I decided I had had enough. 3 or 4 times my husband had something that clashed with something I was doing. I wasn’t told about his engagements until the morning or a few hours before. I have perfected the “what are you doing about it” look and now he knows he has to sort his own shit out.
Honestly, the best way to get him to realised what he is doing is to leave him to it and let him figure it out.
I am self employed and now if the kids need picking up from school/anything during the day/sick days, it’s on my husband because 9/10 I’m working and I don’t get paid, he does.

Oh and we have a WhatsApp group. I write stuff I’m doing today’s says “work at 3pm, work at 5:30pm” because those two times effect the children and him.
He wrote “Wednesday - London” yesterday. Mine has been written for over 6 weeks. So he has had to deal with childcare.

We don’t have a shared calendar but we do check in with diaries/planners most weeks, or rather, we did pre-Covid. As life has ramped up, I don’t think he’s quite got back into the swing of having to consider booking time or whatever. I am very much the default parent, firstly due to mat leave, then a period of significant illness (him) and now because my job is very flexible. All of this has meant when he’s been at work, illness notwithstanding, he’s had it easy as I’ve generally always been around to manage the DC, activities etc. To me, that’s all the more reason for him to be available the odd time I do want to go out. I’m a planner so it’s very unusual for me to spring things on him. And I certainly don’t go out partying all night every weekend

@IntermittentParps - I have. He’ll say things like - they wouldn’t go I’ve never found it hard to get them to bed, ok, there can be the usual messing about but it’s generally bath, teeth, story. Eldest reads themselves now. Can’t be arsed more like - and would manage it if there was football on TV he wanted to watch.

It is disrespectful to you but I can't help but think he should go to the work event on this occasion as it is more important than a gym event (work pays your mortgage). However, he then needs to be firmly told that if this happens again then you won't change your plans next time!

But what if they've had that conversation many times already @londonscalling? I also presume that the OP's work pays for the mortgage too?

Lettuceforlunch, ask him how he feels about being a competent adult who can't get two small children to bed.

And if they're up when you get back, leave him and them to it – just go and have a bath/plug in to a film or podcast/get an early night.

[quote Lettuceforlunch]@IntermittentParps - I have. He’ll say things like - they wouldn’t go I’ve never found it hard to get them to bed, ok, there can be the usual messing about but it’s generally bath, teeth, story. Eldest reads themselves now. Can’t be arsed more like - and would manage it if there was football on TV he wanted to watch.[/quote]
He’s pathetic. As a 15 year old babysitter I’d have to get children I barely knew ready for and into bed.

Very selfish behaviour.

OP, sounds like it is an established pattern.

I certainly wouldn't put up with it.

Behaviour like that kills love.

He will never change until YOU change.

YOU have allowed him to form this hopeless, useless, helpless habit.

Change yourself first.

Why would he change if he doesn’t feel the side effects of his actions? You need to take a step back and not sort out his fuck ups. Personally l would be going to the class, if a sitter is needed then he can sort that out

This type of behaviour is deliberate incompetence and what underlies is it is sexism; that childcare and lifework is women's work and beneath him, The Mighty Peen.

It only stops by ending enabling it or leaving.

They wouldn't go

Oh my goodness. The kids can just stay up forever then, is that his answer to the problem?

When you get back from your class tonight if the kids aren't in bed, tell him "that sounds like a you problem" and go for a long bath / straight to bed. He is useless.

It doesn't matter if it's the gym or a university lecture.

No one is too busy to make a quick phone call or send a quick whatsapp checking the plans for the evening, and ASK if it's convenient or at least ask (or beg) if they really need to attend something.

Or get their PA to do it for them, works too. But at least plan.

If you do get out to your gym class - which I very much doubt will happen- stay out for an extra hour so he's forced to put the DCs to bed.
We do have a bit of what you describe in this house but much easier now DS can be left by himself for a period and also things on the calendar have precedence- although I do find the "have we anything on" questions tedious when if we or I do, it's in the calendar.