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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to be nicer? I’m a horrible person.

87 replies

Lj8893 · 01/06/2021 23:17

I’m not a nice person. I think I’m nice within my job, I work in a caring profession and go out of my way to support my clients. But my husband is always telling me I’m inconsiderate of his and others feelings, I’m rude and selfish. I don’t know why he is still with me because I’m obviously not making him happy.

He’s just been on another rant (he probably does this 4-6 weekly when he’s had a drink) about all the horrible things I’ve ever said or done to him and I just don’t know how I can be a nicer person. I can be quite blunt/direct and I’m not a naturally warm, soppy person.

The latest inconsiderate thing I’ve done was yesterday. I’d mentioned I wanted a new necklace and he decided to buy me one so showed it to me before ordering it, I said oh that’s really lovely but I need to check the length first before you order it. He said “go in on then” and I said (possibly a little snappy) “well I can’t right now!” As I was playing dinner up whilst hopping round the kitchen as I had just stubbed my toe!!
He has said I don’t realise and appreciate all the nice things he does for me, but I do!!

Sorry, it’s such a jumble of words. I just need to know how I can be a bit nicer?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lj8893 · 01/06/2021 23:19

Sorry I’ve just realised there are so many spelling mistakes! I’ve just finished a 14 hour shift Confused

OP posts:
MaxNormal · 01/06/2021 23:19

Possibly its your husband that needs to be nicer and you're absolutely fine?

Bumzoo · 01/06/2021 23:19

Stay as you are and ditch him instead.

bloodyhell19 · 01/06/2021 23:20

First, check you're not surrounded by arseholes. Your "D"H might be the problem.

themuttsnutts · 01/06/2021 23:24

I don't think either of you is horrible but, possibly, can he lack awareness with regards to the timing or appropriateness of his requests? I know things like this can bring the worst out in me. That said, I csn understand why he may be hurt. Perhaps you just need to communicate what s kjnd gesture it was

Original poster
Lj8893 · 01/06/2021 23:26

I’ve reread and can see why you all think he’s the issue, I’ve not shown his good side at all. He genuinely is a brilliant husband and treats me really well, but I think he is quite sensitive and a little needy and because I’m not a nice, soppy, overly attentive person he gets upset with this and let’s his feelings build up which then bubbles over.

My mum doesn’t tell me I’m horrible but she certainly sometimes implies I could be nicer. Things like “I don’t know where you got your take no shit attitude as it’s not from me” or “you definitely don’t suffer fools” but with a look on her face.

OP posts:
RonSwansonsChair · 01/06/2021 23:26

Not sure I voted the right way, but I don't think you need to be nicer- I think your husband could be nicer.

honeylulu · 01/06/2021 23:26

Righto.

You've done a 14 hour shift. You're cooking the dinner. You've injured yourself and because you've been a bit short your husband is giving you a hard time. And he often lists all your faults and historic perceived wrongdoings.

One of you needs to be nicer. Can you guess which one I think it is?

themuttsnutts · 01/06/2021 23:31

He sounds a bit like me at times Blush

honeygirlz · 01/06/2021 23:34

He sounds awful Sad

What does he do that's brilliant except make you feel like shit for not being what he wants you to be? Women aren't cuddly toys for men.

honeygirlz · 01/06/2021 23:35

@Lj8893

I’ve reread and can see why you all think he’s the issue, I’ve not shown his good side at all. He genuinely is a brilliant husband and treats me really well, but I think he is quite sensitive and a little needy and because I’m not a nice, soppy, overly attentive person he gets upset with this and let’s his feelings build up which then bubbles over.

My mum doesn’t tell me I’m horrible but she certainly sometimes implies I could be nicer. Things like “I don’t know where you got your take no shit attitude as it’s not from me” or “you definitely don’t suffer fools” but with a look on her face.

Doormats want other people to be doormats too so they can feel better about themselves.
hectica · 01/06/2021 23:37

NC for this.

I love my eldest daughter. I'd trust her with my life and she can be very thoughtful, and is always grateful for anything I do for her. I know she loves me to bits. But she unwittingly hurts my feelings often. She's so blunt, and her default if I tell her something is to assume I'm wrong or mistaken. I'd love to be more relaxed around her. But she can't seem to help herself. She has a habit of sounding irritated and, yes, blunt. And like you, she wishes she didn't.

I can imagine her saying what you said while your DP was trying to do a nice thing. She wouldn't be wrong to respond as she did, but I just wish she'd put things more gently. Like in your case, saying "ooh, I will as soon as dinner's over" in an enthusiastic tone of voice.

She will always do the right thing and she wants me to be happy. But her honesty is sometimes too much.

BonnieDundee · 01/06/2021 23:38

I personally think taking no shit isn't a bad thing. And I don't see what you did wrong in the example you gave

Original poster
Lj8893 · 01/06/2021 23:41

@hectica

NC for this.

I love my eldest daughter. I'd trust her with my life and she can be very thoughtful, and is always grateful for anything I do for her. I know she loves me to bits. But she unwittingly hurts my feelings often. She's so blunt, and her default if I tell her something is to assume I'm wrong or mistaken. I'd love to be more relaxed around her. But she can't seem to help herself. She has a habit of sounding irritated and, yes, blunt. And like you, she wishes she didn't.

I can imagine her saying what you said while your DP was trying to do a nice thing. She wouldn't be wrong to respond as she did, but I just wish she'd put things more gently. Like in your case, saying "ooh, I will as soon as dinner's over" in an enthusiastic tone of voice.

She will always do the right thing and she wants me to be happy. But her honesty is sometimes too much.

You have described me to a tee. That is exactly what I’m like and I just don’t know how to not be like that.
OP posts:
hectica · 01/06/2021 23:41

...conversely my other daughter is sweet and warm in her interactions with me. But she's a people pleaser and I never quite know if she's being straight with me, or just saying what she thinks I want to hear. She's also flakey to her sister's absolute reliability.

So both have great qualities, and like all of us, their imperfections.

MustardRose · 01/06/2021 23:47

He's just been on another rant (he probably does this 4-6 weekly when he's had a drink) about all the horrible things I've ever said or done to him

So he keeps on regurgitating old issues over and over again? That is not a nice trait.

theleafandnotthetree · 01/06/2021 23:49

@hectica

...conversely my other daughter is sweet and warm in her interactions with me. But she's a people pleaser and I never quite know if she's being straight with me, or just saying what she thinks I want to hear. She's also flakey to her sister's absolute reliability.

So both have great qualities, and like all of us, their imperfections.

Can I just say it is rare for someone to have and to articulate such a clear and non-judgemental view of their own children and their flaws and yet to speak so lovingly of them. I wish more people were like you!
Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 01/06/2021 23:52

Yabu for thinking the problem is you. He sounds like a twit and not a very nice one at that.

Friendofdennis · 01/06/2021 23:53

Love keeps no record of wrongs as the saying goes

MarshmallowAra · 01/06/2021 23:59

but I think he is quite sensitive and a little needy and because I’m not a nice, soppy, overly attentive person he gets upset with this and let’s his feelings build up which then bubbles over.

Ah I think there's an abuser profile that matches this in Lundy Bancroft's "why does do that, ..." , I think it's mr sensitive.

I have a feeling only your h thinks you're horrible, of makes you feel like you're horrible.

You are a hostage of an emotional terrorist.

Incidentally horrible people tend to neither recognise nor care if they are horrible.

Charles11 · 01/06/2021 23:59

Is it just the tone of your voice then? Do you use a more polite, professional tone at work and an exasperated irritated one at home?
It might be that it’s more your dh.

hectica · 01/06/2021 23:59

@theleafandnotthetree, thank you so much! It's so kind of you to say that.

MarshmallowAra · 02/06/2021 00:03

He's just been on another rant (he probably does this 4-6 weekly when he's had a drink) about all the horrible things I've ever said or done to him

He drinks/gets drunk and essentially abuses you 4 to 6 times a week then.

He needs to stop drinking of it causes him to berate, rant etc repetitively. But that's only part of the problem - he enjoys berating and criticising you. Presumably it makes him feel good - he likes you defending yourself and apologising and explaining and "lessening" yourself. He's the type who needs this to feel good, to feel superior to you.

Not good relationship material.

MarshmallowAra · 02/06/2021 00:04

Sorry maybe you meant every 4-6 weeks.

Still shit though.

ChaToilLeam · 02/06/2021 00:07

You don’t sound horrible at all. He, on the other hand...