To ask how to be nicer? I’m a horrible person.

[Lj8893]

I’m not a nice person. I think I’m nice within my job, I work in a caring profession and go out of my way to support my clients. But my husband is always telling me I’m inconsiderate of his and others feelings, I’m rude and selfish. I don’t know why he is still with me because I’m obviously not making him happy.

He’s just been on another rant (he probably does this 4-6 weekly when he’s had a drink) about all the horrible things I’ve ever said or done to him and I just don’t know how I can be a nicer person. I can be quite blunt/direct and I’m not a naturally warm, soppy person.

The latest inconsiderate thing I’ve done was yesterday. I’d mentioned I wanted a new necklace and he decided to buy me one so showed it to me before ordering it, I said oh that’s really lovely but I need to check the length first before you order it. He said “go in on then” and I said (possibly a little snappy) “well I can’t right now!” As I was playing dinner up whilst hopping round the kitchen as I had just stubbed my toe!!
He has said I don’t realise and appreciate all the nice things he does for me, but I do!!

Sorry, it’s such a jumble of words. I just need to know how I can be a bit nicer?

@Bumzoo

Stay as you are and ditch him instead.

Absolutely this

My mum doesn’t tell me I’m horrible but she certainly sometimes implies I could be nicer. Things like “I don’t know where you got your take no shit attitude as it’s not from me” or “you definitely don’t suffer fools” but with a look on her face
But that's a good thing!
I would be taking that as a compliment!

He sounds a bit over sensitive and needy and you might need to work on your delivery.

His regular behaviour changes when drinking are concerning?

He's just been on another rant (he probably does this 4-6 weekly when he's had a drink) about all the horrible things I've ever said or done to him

Who’s the horrible one again? Pretty sure it’s not you.

@MaxNormal

Possibly its your husband that needs to be nicer and you're absolutely fine?

This. Don't fall into the trap of thinking you are the problem.

@Myrighteyeball

OP, I am.exactly like you - trying to sound nicer. For me it's a problem of very rapid fire delivery which combines with a somewhat 'take no shit' attitude and a husband with executive processing issues engendering frequent frustration to make me sound mean sometimes.

I sought help from a psychologist about how to soften my delivery. She suggested:

• taking a breath before speaking every time, with every one to whom I speak. I've been doing this for a week and it is becoming more habitual. V hard at first though.

• thinking 'how can I sound more kind' before speaking again every time with everyone - often I can't sound more kind (ie my intended delivery is fine) but it is making me think

• if he is annoying me/being unreasonable, name it kindly eg 'I'm busy cooking dinner right now so I can't look, we'll need to discuss it later'.

Your husband sounds like he is being an arse though listing your faults to you every day and interrupting like he is more important than anything, so if I were you I wouldn't bother with the above and would tell him to be nicer instead.

This is such good advice and some good strategies to use. I’m going to put them into practice!👍

OP, I do recognise myself in your description of yourself. I wouldn't call myself a horrible person, but I do know that I am not the most tactful person. As you say, I tend to be fine with friends, colleagues, strangers, but I tend to be less tactful with my husband. I also need to work really hard in order to be tactful with students (I'm an academic). I'll support them in numerous ways, will write them glowing references, answer all their questions, but I need to work hard to be supportive rather than critical when giving feedback for example.

With my husband, I've come to realise it's partly a two-way dynamic. He is a generally more British (ie doesn't want to cause offence, will talk around a subject rather than just saying what he wants/means) whereas in my culture people generally tend to be more blunt. Added to that, he suffers from anxiety, and when I'm snappy he often interprets that as him having done something wrong/me being pissed off with him specifically, whereas often I'm just tired or frustrated and want to be left alone for a bit, which he then interprets as me rejecting him.

So, no advice from me, bust just wanted to say I recognise myself in what you're saying and have also wondered how I can be a bit nicer sometimes.

I feel there was a situation where you were tired, hurt and busy and he somehow turned it around to make it all about him and how hard done by he is.

If I were you, I'd have a think about everything that has been written here and see what resonates or not.

Op your example. As I’m sure you know. Is one which puts your husband in a bad light. Not you. It was very deliberately written to ensure people knew he was the problem.

What do you wish from this? Is it people to tell you you are fine and he’s an arsehole? Because that’s the only responses you’ll get given from what you’ve written.

@Lj8893 I’ve got to say that @Bluntness100 is correct, your very self-serving colouring of the situation was blatantly obvious. If you wanted to talk about your DH being unreasonable you should have just done that.

I suspect it's a bit of both - as it often is

PPs advice about pausing before speaking is spot on.

But as so many have said - you're knackered! Nobody becomes more diplomatic the tireder they get!

Practice a few stock phrases like "I shouldn't have snapped, I'm just exhausted - how about after dinner?" to use if the deep breath method didn't kick in.

However I agree too that he is being UR if he picks a moment when you are busy to discuss anything that doesn't involve fire or heavy bleeding!