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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to be nicer? I’m a horrible person.

87 replies

Lj8893 · 01/06/2021 23:17

I’m not a nice person. I think I’m nice within my job, I work in a caring profession and go out of my way to support my clients. But my husband is always telling me I’m inconsiderate of his and others feelings, I’m rude and selfish. I don’t know why he is still with me because I’m obviously not making him happy.

He’s just been on another rant (he probably does this 4-6 weekly when he’s had a drink) about all the horrible things I’ve ever said or done to him and I just don’t know how I can be a nicer person. I can be quite blunt/direct and I’m not a naturally warm, soppy person.

The latest inconsiderate thing I’ve done was yesterday. I’d mentioned I wanted a new necklace and he decided to buy me one so showed it to me before ordering it, I said oh that’s really lovely but I need to check the length first before you order it. He said “go in on then” and I said (possibly a little snappy) “well I can’t right now!” As I was playing dinner up whilst hopping round the kitchen as I had just stubbed my toe!!
He has said I don’t realise and appreciate all the nice things he does for me, but I do!!

Sorry, it’s such a jumble of words. I just need to know how I can be a bit nicer?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 02/06/2021 05:53

But if he's usually loving and considerate whilst you are continually cold and snappy with him, then I can see why he might get frustrated and struggle to continue turning the other cheek once he's had a few drinks.

He should leave then. Rather than drunkenly criticising his wife who has just finished a 14 hour shift and is cooking. I used to do those kinds of shifts and I wouldn't have anything left for this whining bloke.

billy1966 · 02/06/2021 06:11

OP,
Read @MarshmallowAra

He sounds like a PITA with his drunken rants.

If you haven't had children with this twat, have a rethink.

He's no prize.

MitheringSunday · 02/06/2021 06:11

@hectica

NC for this.

I love my eldest daughter. I'd trust her with my life and she can be very thoughtful, and is always grateful for anything I do for her. I know she loves me to bits. But she unwittingly hurts my feelings often. She's so blunt, and her default if I tell her something is to assume I'm wrong or mistaken. I'd love to be more relaxed around her. But she can't seem to help herself. She has a habit of sounding irritated and, yes, blunt. And like you, she wishes she didn't.

I can imagine her saying what you said while your DP was trying to do a nice thing. She wouldn't be wrong to respond as she did, but I just wish she'd put things more gently. Like in your case, saying "ooh, I will as soon as dinner's over" in an enthusiastic tone of voice.

She will always do the right thing and she wants me to be happy. But her honesty is sometimes too much.

IIWY I'd be reflecting on why you need/want her to 'put things more gently'.

OP, I can't help agreeing with MarshmallowAra's rather blunt assessment that you are 'a hostage of an emotional terrorist.' The looking for the fault in yourself first sounds as if it could well be your mother's training.

NinaMimi · 02/06/2021 06:15

Obviously we’re getting your side of things and the example you’ve chosen. If that’s the worst or typical example then I agree with most people that you don’t sound like you’ve got an issue or much of an issue. I can’t imagine you regularly injure yourself and so won’t have an excuse to snap at people.

However if you don’t have the excuse of being tired from a shift and have just hurt yourself and then you’re still snapping at people there may be an issue. It’s hard to deal with issues like that. I guess you just need to get into the habit of trying to catch yourself before you do snap and try to think if it’s an appropriate response. I can be a bit impatient and try not to take it out on people. I have gotten better I think from making an effort.

3Britnee · 02/06/2021 06:56

Stop giving a fuck. I'm not nice and I don't care anymore.

Whyhello · 02/06/2021 07:00

From your post you don’t sound like a horrible person at all. I don’t think truly horrible people realise they’re horrible or care that they’re horrible, they just are. Purely by you stating a desire to change, you’re almost definitely not horrible. Most people aren’t horrible, most people are just human. We all make errors of judgement sometimes, all have bad moods, all get snappy sometimes and none of that makes us a bad person.

I’d be more concerned about your DH getting drunk once a month and ranting about how much of an awful person you are. He sounds like the arsehole, not you.

Anydreamwilldo12 · 02/06/2021 07:16

You had just finished a tiring 14 hour shift and were cooking a meal and because you didn't give him your undivided attention when he demanded it he had a right go at you!!!
It's definitely not you OP.

TheMotherlode · 02/06/2021 07:21

I think you need to speak to someone (not your husband) who knows you well to understand whether there is actually a problem here, or whether it’s just a clash or personalities between you and your husband. Is there someone close to you who will be really honest with you?

I can be fairly blunt and do try to moderate what I say to an extent, but I’m certainly not willing or able to change my whole personality. Your husband must surely know who you are by now so, unless you’re being really abusive to him, there is no use him just constantly criticising you for it.

SarahBellam · 02/06/2021 07:23

OP you sound lovely. Being forthright is a good thing. Your husband sounds like a penis. He’s gaslighting you by Ferlinghetti you that you’re a horrible person. This is to keep you and so that you’ll consider yourself lucky that someone, even someone awful still wants you. It’s to give him the upper hand and keep you in your place. Your mum said you don’t suffer fools gladly, so why are you suffering your husband?

Looubylou · 02/06/2021 07:24

If this is a genuine post, which I'm doubting, the problem seems to be your abusive and determined to be slighted husband.

SarahBellam · 02/06/2021 07:30

No idea where Ferlinghetti came from. I meant telling.

ForwardRanger · 02/06/2021 07:44

Maybe try to pause before you speak. I mean this sincerely. You sound busy and tired so you probably do a lot of things on autopilot and it may be that you come across as curt when you don't intend to.

If you want to change, you can, you just need to make a start.

Before you respond, ask yourself three questions: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me right now?

If, after considering all three, the answer is yes, then go right ahead. Probability is you will discard two thirds of your first take responses.

LadyGAgain · 02/06/2021 07:50

@ForwardRanger

Maybe try to pause before you speak. I mean this sincerely. You sound busy and tired so you probably do a lot of things on autopilot and it may be that you come across as curt when you don't intend to.

If you want to change, you can, you just need to make a start.

Before you respond, ask yourself three questions: Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me right now?

If, after considering all three, the answer is yes, then go right ahead. Probability is you will discard two thirds of your first take responses.

I agree with this. And I don't agree that your DH is the problem. It sounds like he needs a different tone from you.
MaMaD1990 · 02/06/2021 08:06

I've been described a bit like you OP, I'm always told "you're not a shrinking violet!". To be honest, I have a hot head and react before thinking and I have a really strong sense of 'principles' and will speak up if I don't agree with something. Anyway, since having my daughter a couple of years ago, I realised that I can still speak up when I feel I need to, but put it across in a much better way with the words and tone I use. I try take a couple of seconds to process what someone has said before immediately opening my mouth and found this really helps. It's not always going to work and sometimes I can still be snappy (we're all human!) but on the whole, it's been a really good change for me and I feel a lot happier in myself. I don't think it's fair that your husband harps on at you that much and he also needs to understand that if you're hopping around the kitchen with a stubbed toe, it's not the best time to ask you to do something there and then! It's all about balance and you both reading a situation. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble, I hope it makes sense and helps you somewhat.

newnortherner111 · 02/06/2021 08:10

I think the problem is your husband. If however, it is other people that you feel you are unreasonable to as well, then better and perhaps more sleep will possibly help.

redcarbluecar · 02/06/2021 08:19

Whatever the rights and wrongs here, please stop labelling yourself as a ‘horrible person’

lljkk · 02/06/2021 08:37

I'm so tired of reading stories on MN about women who are either doormats or tie themselves up knots trying to be 109% responsible adults all the time, it's refreshing to read about someone who "speaks their mind". Anyway, sounds to me like small examples of being fussy or bossy, definitely not "horrible ".

VeganCheesePlease · 02/06/2021 08:39

It's tricky for us as women because we tend to be put into one of two categories, bitch or submissive. Men do not face the same!

Coronawireless · 02/06/2021 08:47

@VeganCheesePlease

It's tricky for us as women because we tend to be put into one of two categories, bitch or submissive. Men do not face the same!
Of course men face the same. A man who is often crabby or abrupt would not be a nice person to be around. The phrase “walking on eggshells” comes to mind, regardless of who’s causing the atmosphere. OP, hard to say from a couple of posts who’s right or wrong here. Your abruptness is due to fatigue mixed with your natural bluntness so you’re not horrible. But still may be difficult for the person on the receiving end if it’s happening a lot. I’m “blunt” too. I do it without meaning to and then feel remorseful. My DH doesn’t like it though he rarely complains. However his way is to stonewall or be stubborn so that’s not great either if not reined in. The trick is to try to have a conversation with your DH where you both say something good, then bad, then good about how you see your interactions with each other, and both of you make an effort to rein in the part you each find difficult.
saraclara · 02/06/2021 08:50

@redcarbluecar

Whatever the rights and wrongs here, please stop labelling yourself as a ‘horrible person’
Yes, absolutely. I've talked about my blunt daughter. While I wish she could adapt the way she speaks to me, no way is she horrible. Far from it. And neither are you. The fact that you posted this OP shows that.
ElephantsNest · 02/06/2021 08:52

If you had just done a 14 hour shift, why was he looking at presents (he could do that any time) when dinner needed preparing? He sounds as though he lacks empathy and is overly sensitive to criticism.

Lavender201 · 02/06/2021 08:57

You shouldn’t be cooking dinner after a 14 hour shift. Unless he’s just done a 15 hour shift...

notanothertakeaway · 02/06/2021 08:59

If you say things like "I'm a marmite person / people love me or hate me / I tell it like it is", then it's likely that you're the problem

But, if it's only your DH who thinks you should be nicer, then I would guess he's the problem

Shareddriveagghh · 02/06/2021 09:04

Your DH is getting drunk and just having a go at you, the only horrible person is him.

Your description of the necklace scenario, you were not horrible at all.

Karwomannghia · 02/06/2021 09:06

You don’t sound like a horrible person and obviously care. But, snapping can be quite damaging. It’s one of those things that can be done without any malice or bad intent but can actually have a deep effect on the receiver which is hard to just brush off. I think now you’ve got an awareness of what you’re doing it should be easy enough to just stop. But also I think tiredness is a big cause of the shortness for you so it’s important that you rest when you’re tired.

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