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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this be really rude of me or would no one even notice?

104 replies

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:42

Hi. I’m after some perspective from other people. I have a wedding to go to at the end of July. Now most “normal” people would think great, no big deal, something to look forward to, but that’s the problem, I’m not looking forward to it. Now this isn’t down to anyone else, or the fact that I don’t like the people I’ll be around all day, no, it’s because of me. You see I suffer with anxiety, and this last year or so since covid it’s got real. I think I have other issues going on to and I don’t feel like I respond to things like this in a normal way. I don’t feel confident in how I look. I’m overweight, hopeless with hair and make up, and I even find sorting an outfit a challenge. I find making small talk for more than an hour or so incredibly challenging and that’s with people I know well, not strangers.

I have dc and haven’t had a night away in years so my dh thinks it’ll be a good night. I only admitted to him the other day that I’ve been worried about this wedding for a long time, I’m talking months, around summer last year when it was in the early stages of being arranged. He has suggested that we take time out throughout the day, like in between the formalities to take some time out just for us. We are staying over at the venue so have our room and dh has said we can always go back to there and chill in between if it all gets to much for me. So what do we all think of that would it be rude of me? I’m thinking if I can get some time in between everything to chill, even if it’s 10 minutes or so, I might be able to get though the day without wanting to just go back to my room, get in bed and not leave until the next morning.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 01/06/2021 16:44

Not rude at all, sounds perfect

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 16:44

I think you should have a wedding that you'll enjoy, not one you have to recover from. How much is paid?

Pasteque · 01/06/2021 16:45

I think that's absolutely fine, I don't think it's particularly unusual and others will likely do similar. I hope you can enjoy it :)

Original poster
Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:45

Paid for the room do you mean? It’s not my wedding it’s a relatives. Not sure if I mentioned that lol.

OP posts:
BlackGoldSun · 01/06/2021 16:46

I did similar for my own sibling's wedding, don't think anyone noticed.
Have also done it at other events if I was a bit overwhelmed.
It's just recharging your batteries then game face back on.
As an aside do try to get help with the anxiety generally. 💐

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2021 16:46

Oh sorry I misread.

Yes that's fine. Make sure you're in the right place for meals, speeches and photo's

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 01/06/2021 16:47

I don't suffer from anxiety and do that if I'm staying at the event. We'll head back for a chat, or make up top up or chill moment

Original poster
Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:47

It’s going to be a very long day. I’ll be leaving at 7am as it’s a 3/4 hour journey and we can’t travel the night before. Then the wedding is at 1pm and will be on until the early hours as the venue has agreed to do like a late disco type thing.

OP posts:
Hottesttrikeintown · 01/06/2021 16:48

People will be going out to smoke/vape etc. At every wedding I’ve been to people get up between the ceremonial bits (speeches etc) so nobody will notice. Take care - it sounds like you’re going through a tough time.

NorthernDramaLlama · 01/06/2021 16:49

No one will notice! How well do you know the happy couple? If its worrying you, you could mention it now so if they do notice your absence they'll know why.

Original poster
Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:49

Yeah I’ve not been great lately. Everything has been getting on top of me. Thankfully my dh is great and is supportive.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 01/06/2021 16:50

We stayed on a cottage in the grounds of a wedding once and we had our dog with us. We took time to go back and feed her and give her a short walk before rejoining the festivities. No one even noticed we had gone.

valnevavaxx · 01/06/2021 16:50

I've done this at every wedding I've ever been to where I'm staying at the venue, honestly nobody will bat an eyelid.

burnoutbabe · 01/06/2021 16:50

I'd duck out of the evening part as soon as polite, 9pm or so? Zero need to stay all night unless it's say your kids wedding when more awkward to go early.

Just plead a headache if you need to say something. Not sure who likes long evening dos, I am ready to go after the reception usually

LawnFever · 01/06/2021 16:50

Yeah that sounds fine! Just make sure you’re there for the ceremony, toasts/speeches & meal and apart from that do what you fancy- with there being quite a few guests I bet nobody will even notice Smile

WonkyCactus · 01/06/2021 16:50

I have done this at weddings before. It's fine, do whatever you need to to make it through and hopefully even enjoy parts of it. I don't think any of the other guests will notice.

Beforeiwasrichandfamous · 01/06/2021 16:50

I have been to lots of weddings and often go up to my room in-between service/getting back to venue and the meal..I might go up for half an hour or longer..
Hopefully you will have a good time, often when you think you aren't going to enjoy a 'do' you end up having a lot of fun.

Original poster
Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:51

It’s my cousin so I’ve known him since we were kids. We get on really we but I’ve told no one about my anxiety only my dh. My family can be awkward mainly my parents dsis etc and they tend to cling to me when we are at social events and I know if I sneak off a few times they’ll be like oh where have you been.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 01/06/2021 16:53

I do that at all events, house parties,anything. Usually a quick chill out in the bathroom, or wander out with the smokers, hang about the kitchen or whichever room is quietest.

It's not rude at all.

Original poster
Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:55

My family are mostly big party animals and stay for the duration and I can’t be doing with them questioning me if I duck out here and there. At the last wedding we went to we had a room and tried to sneak off a few times. Mainly to freshen up have a drink in our room etc and my dsis came knocking on our door a few times. My dh got really pissed off and was like god can we not have 5 minutes to ourselves.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 01/06/2021 16:55

Go to the ceremony. Be sure to congratulate the couple there. Go to the hotel and take a drink to your room and relax. There should be a gap there while bridal party have photos taken. Ask when you're checking in what time the wedding dinner is due to be served. Then you can arrive down a short time beforehand. If you get to the venue quickly after the ceremony you should get a chance to check the seating plan if there is one, so you'll know exactly which way to head for when you get to the dining hall - rather than scrambling among other guests to see the list when everyone is called for dinner. Once dinner is over there's usually another gap before dancing so head off to the room again and appear back down when it suits you.

MagnoliaBeige · 01/06/2021 16:56

@valnevavaxx

I've done this at every wedding I've ever been to where I'm staying at the venue, honestly nobody will bat an eyelid.
Same for me, I always pop back to the room to freshen up, have a quiet ten minutes etc, no-one has ever said anything. And sometimes just knowing the option is there is enough to help me relax a bit more
Janaih · 01/06/2021 16:57

I've done this many a time. It won't be a problem. One wedding we were specifically told to go to our rooms and relax for a while as there was a big gap.

lanthanum · 01/06/2021 16:58

My DH happened to work very close to DS's wedding venue. He slipped away to his office from the evening event - said he'd come back when he couldn't hear the music any more! One of my family members did notice, but only because they saw me without him, but they understood.

I'd try and get a heads-up on the schedule, so that you make sure you're there at all the key points - nothing worse than having slipped away when they start on photos. If your family are in the least sympathetic, they'll do what they can to help - eg your side of the family first for photos so you can then vanish safely.

I hate finding outfits too. I think I've only ever had about 4 dresses. Fortunately nobody in my family displays all the wedding photos, or I'd be rumbled!

Notaroadrunner · 01/06/2021 17:00

@Chiccachoo

My family are mostly big party animals and stay for the duration and I can’t be doing with them questioning me if I duck out here and there. At the last wedding we went to we had a room and tried to sneak off a few times. Mainly to freshen up have a drink in our room etc and my dsis came knocking on our door a few times. My dh got really pissed off and was like god can we not have 5 minutes to ourselves.
If this were to happen again ignore any knocking on the door. In fact don't give your room number to them. Be vague - "not sure, I think it's 106 but could be 116, I'll know when I get to the corridor". If asked where you were just reply "a policeman wouldn't ask me that" and change the subject. You are not tethered to your family so don't feel obliged to have them hanging off you for the day. Take your own car, don't offer a lift to any of them so you can do your own thing.