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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would this be really rude of me or would no one even notice?

104 replies

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 16:42

Hi. I’m after some perspective from other people. I have a wedding to go to at the end of July. Now most “normal” people would think great, no big deal, something to look forward to, but that’s the problem, I’m not looking forward to it. Now this isn’t down to anyone else, or the fact that I don’t like the people I’ll be around all day, no, it’s because of me. You see I suffer with anxiety, and this last year or so since covid it’s got real. I think I have other issues going on to and I don’t feel like I respond to things like this in a normal way. I don’t feel confident in how I look. I’m overweight, hopeless with hair and make up, and I even find sorting an outfit a challenge. I find making small talk for more than an hour or so incredibly challenging and that’s with people I know well, not strangers.

I have dc and haven’t had a night away in years so my dh thinks it’ll be a good night. I only admitted to him the other day that I’ve been worried about this wedding for a long time, I’m talking months, around summer last year when it was in the early stages of being arranged. He has suggested that we take time out throughout the day, like in between the formalities to take some time out just for us. We are staying over at the venue so have our room and dh has said we can always go back to there and chill in between if it all gets to much for me. So what do we all think of that would it be rude of me? I’m thinking if I can get some time in between everything to chill, even if it’s 10 minutes or so, I might be able to get though the day without wanting to just go back to my room, get in bed and not leave until the next morning.

OP posts:
Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:02

Yeah my parents and dsis are a bit to much at times. They have issues with boundaries and maybe I’ve enabled it for a quiet life but I don’t get a quiet life long term.

OP posts:
Snoken · 01/06/2021 17:05

The more other people drink the less attention they will be paying to their surroundings. Just show your face every now and again and you'll be fine. I hate weddings and take every opportunity to sneak off.

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:07

I feel bad for saying this but me too. I’m never that comfortable at most formal things but weddings are all day long so I find them difficult. I’m sure there will be parts I enjoy and a night away with my dh is rare so I’ll try my best. I’m just worried people will comment if I sneak off here and there.

OP posts:
Lysianthus · 01/06/2021 17:07

Your DH sounds really lovely and thoughtful. Definitely take time out, but you never know, just by having an escape route, you may not need it! Try the fashion boards for some advice on clothes, there are some lovely people on there, too.

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:08

Yeah he’s great. I’ve already got my outfit. Well just about. I still need shoes but I have a dress and a bag so I’m getting there lol.

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Zzelda · 01/06/2021 17:11

The last wedding I went to, just before lockdown, we did exactly what your DH has suggested. Not due to anxiety, but because the daytime do was winding down and there didn't see much point standing around killing time till the evening do was due to begin. I'm sure we weren't the only ones, and it was absolutely fine.

notalwaysalondoner · 01/06/2021 17:11

No one will notice, just quietly slip off or say you need the loo and go back to your room for a bit or wander around the grounds if large. No one will mind and it's not rude (unlike my two cousins who decided to visit a friend in the village instead of joining the first 2 hours of the reception and missed the family photos, despite the fact the village is only 40 minutes from where they live so they could easily visit at any time...)

Zzelda · 01/06/2021 17:12

@Chiccachoo

My family are mostly big party animals and stay for the duration and I can’t be doing with them questioning me if I duck out here and there. At the last wedding we went to we had a room and tried to sneak off a few times. Mainly to freshen up have a drink in our room etc and my dsis came knocking on our door a few times. My dh got really pissed off and was like god can we not have 5 minutes to ourselves.
Better not let your family know which room you're in!
Sobeyondthehills · 01/06/2021 17:14

I suffer from anxiety, (GAD) and like you lockdown has made it 10 times worse, so I would happily do what you are planning.

TBH with your family, you could just say you are tired from the drive or that since you don't have the kids, you are planning to enjoy each other's company.

Or tell them to fuck off any one would do

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:16

Oh trust me they’ll ask me straight out what room we are in. My dsis has already “joked” we should take some drinks with us and she can join me and my dh for drinks in our room😭

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diddl · 01/06/2021 17:17

Is it possible that your family are causing the axiety around this wedding?

I don't suppose it's possible to stay close to the venue but not actually there?

(I've assumed that your family will be staying at the venue?)

BlackGoldSun · 01/06/2021 17:18

Saw your update about your sister knocking the door! That is overbearing.
Don't tell them what room you're in and tell hotel staff not to disclose it either.
Put the do not disturb sign on the door and put the radio on for background and do NOT answer the door if anyone knocks.
I remember a family wedding where they asked if we wanted to be on the same floor with all the other Smiths and we said no, as far away as possible please. I love my family but they are too much at times!

diddl · 01/06/2021 17:19

@Chiccachoo

Oh trust me they’ll ask me straight out what room we are in. My dsis has already “joked” we should take some drinks with us and she can join me and my dh for drinks in our room😭
Tell her you'll be too busy making use of the time without the kids.

It won't involve drinking & company won't be requiredWink

Deedoubleyou · 01/06/2021 17:20

@Chiccachoo

My family are mostly big party animals and stay for the duration and I can’t be doing with them questioning me if I duck out here and there. At the last wedding we went to we had a room and tried to sneak off a few times. Mainly to freshen up have a drink in our room etc and my dsis came knocking on our door a few times. My dh got really pissed off and was like god can we not have 5 minutes to ourselves.
Tell them you're off for a quickie Wink
EmbarrassingMama · 01/06/2021 17:21

It's fine to sneak back to your room! There is so much waiting around at weddings. You can pop back after the service before drinks, maybe again before food and again after your meal. Then everyone will be so trashed that they won't notice if you're there or not (respectfully!).

Foxhasbigsocks · 01/06/2021 17:21

Op I’ve done this!! No one will ever notice! Worked like a charm and I love weddings at hotels you can stay at for this reason!!

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:22

Yes they are a bit over bearing. Don’t get me wrong they’re not like nasty, far from it, they’re nice people, just a bit to much at times. My dsis’s husband can’t come to the wedding and she’s nervous about going on her own. She doesn’t have anxiety as far as I know, I’ve asked her before now, but a few events now her dh hasn’t been able to come and she’s cling to me and my dh. But me and my dh rarely get nights out on our own never mind over night stays. The last time was when our ds was 2 years old and he’s almost 9 now. So yeah without wanting to come across as mean i want to try my best to enjoy our time away together just us as opposed to being attached to my parents all day and propping my dsis up. I know that sounds awful doesn’t it.

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CecilyP · 01/06/2021 17:22

Sounds fine to me. The last wedding I went to the bride and groom were staying at the venue. The groom disappeared for quite some time later in the evening as he was having a snooze in the bedroom!

You probably won’t be missed. If the weathers fine there will be people inside and outside and one or two others having a break in their rooms!

GhostCurry · 01/06/2021 17:23

Your sister knocked (multiple times) on your hotel room door? That’s outrageous - I’d be very unhappy with that. What is she thinking?

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:26

Chuckling at the comment about having a quickie. I think that’s exactly what my dh is hoping for lol. Considering we get hardly any alone time when we’re at home.

OP posts:
NeedNewKnees · 01/06/2021 17:27

"What room are you in?"

"Can't remember."
or
"I'm not telling you, last time you were mithering us in the room and I'm not having that again."
or
"None of your business"

diddl · 01/06/2021 17:28

"I know that sounds awful doesn’t it."

No-they're all adults, they don't need looking after.

You'll probably be sitting together for the meal & the evening reception anyway.

There's no need for them to get up & follow you to your room as well!

Singalongasong · 01/06/2021 17:29

Even the bride gets to leave the festivities from time to time. At our wedding we had a private room for the day specifically for this (and instructions on how to wee in a big wedding dress!) Really normal and absolutely fine, just tell your family you're going to the loo and if they question why you're going together or why you took so long, tell them not to be so nosey.

Mamanyt · 01/06/2021 17:29

I doubt that anyone will really notice. Nor that anyone but an utter ass will call you on it if they do. SHOULD you want to explain to anyone for any reason, a simple, "I have some anxiety issues, and needed a short time-out is more than sufficient. Should you not want to explain, and simple, "That's personal" works very well.

Chiccachoo · 01/06/2021 17:29

I just have a feeling my dsis will find any excuse to come knocking on our door. She takes things really personally so having a word beforehand prob would cause tension.

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