Would this be really rude of me or would no one even notice?

[Chiccachoo]

Hi. I’m after some perspective from other people. I have a wedding to go to at the end of July. Now most “normal” people would think great, no big deal, something to look forward to, but that’s the problem, I’m not looking forward to it. Now this isn’t down to anyone else, or the fact that I don’t like the people I’ll be around all day, no, it’s because of me. You see I suffer with anxiety, and this last year or so since covid it’s got real. I think I have other issues going on to and I don’t feel like I respond to things like this in a normal way. I don’t feel confident in how I look. I’m overweight, hopeless with hair and make up, and I even find sorting an outfit a challenge. I find making small talk for more than an hour or so incredibly challenging and that’s with people I know well, not strangers.

I have dc and haven’t had a night away in years so my dh thinks it’ll be a good night. I only admitted to him the other day that I’ve been worried about this wedding for a long time, I’m talking months, around summer last year when it was in the early stages of being arranged. He has suggested that we take time out throughout the day, like in between the formalities to take some time out just for us. We are staying over at the venue so have our room and dh has said we can always go back to there and chill in between if it all gets to much for me. So what do we all think of that would it be rude of me? I’m thinking if I can get some time in between everything to chill, even if it’s 10 minutes or so, I might be able to get though the day without wanting to just go back to my room, get in bed and not leave until the next morning.

Having a place you can easily retreat to sounds like a very smart solution to me. Much better than either worrying about becoming overwhelmed and unable to get a break or staying home and allowing your anxiety to spoil the chance to get out and to see relatives. Perfect!

I agree with the others that no one will care if you take these breaks and most likely won't even notice. :)

Is there any possibility of having you're hair done when you arrive??
Absolutely fine to use the room throughout the day. As long as you are around for food and speeches all is fine.

I don't really go to many weddings, but I do attend a lot of conferences, and they vastly improved once I realised I could sneak off to my room for a bit or even skip a session and hang out in the restaurant (with the other truants).

Ring the venue and make sure your room is as far from them as possible! They may have requested to be in a room near you without you knowing. Aarghh!

So many people will do this, totally acceptable if you’re staying at the venue.

I thought the whole point of booking a bedroom at the actual venue was to do just that?

Nothing to do with anxiety, it's just convenience. It doesn't matter if you want a cup of tea, put your feet up, fresh up, have a wee... everybody does that!

my dsis will find any excuse to come knocking on our door.
wrap yourself in a bedsheet and answer the door with your DH hiding his manhood behind a pillow on the bed, she should get the hint.

He sounds really kind and supportive

Rhat sounds fine. Just pop back to the wedding for half an hour every few hours.

@Chiccachoo

I just have a feeling my dsis will find any excuse to come knocking on our door. She takes things really personally so having a word beforehand prob would cause tension.

Be on the loo when she knocks.

lol another good strategy.

My best friend got married while I was pregnant.
I dipped in and out. No one cared. No one noticed. I wasn’t a bridesmaid or anything important.
She only had family and bridesmaids/ groomsman in the photos so after the ceremony when they went for photos, everyone went to the car for cocktails and I went up for a nap (with an alarm clock).
Then after the meal and speeches I went back up for a shower and to change out of my formal dress into a more comfy maxi for dancing in.
I love that I got to make use of my lovely hotel room.
At my own wedding, I spent about 2 hours (awake) in my bridal suite. I hope everyone else got their money’s worth though!

I would maybe go for the ceremony and then not bother with the rest. I would be honest and say "I really don't enjoy these type of formal and busy events so I wish you a good time and a happy marriage but I won't be attending".
People need to be more open and honest about things in life that give them anxiety and makes them miserable and uncomfortable.

@KingdomScrolls

When she asks which room you're in , lie. We're in 216 if she goes knocking she won't find you, if you see her later, oh did I say 216 I meant 126 (actually you're in 612) etc. If she keeps going on, just laugh and all why she's so concerned about where your room is, DH is a one woman man etc so no need for her to come knocking.

well if you aren't going to put your foot down with your sis then I think this is BRILLIANT. I am sort of dubious about the about the mental health reasons...we've focussed on your sister bit you mentioned that your parents are also clingy? ....I mean they lean on you and YOU are the one with the anxiety problems?

Yeah they tend to lean on me. But I project myself as if I’m ok and put up a front if you like as i don’t feel comfortable telling people fade to face about my struggles.

That’s a completely normal thing to do! Not rude at all. In fact I’d say it would be very unusual to stay at a wedding venue for that length of time without going for a rest. You could always plead a headache and go off to bed early too. No-one will mind! Just be there for the important bits.

Agree with PPs that what you’re suggesting isn’t even that unusual and you’d be unlikely to be the only one. Especially if it’s a bit if time away without the kids people will more than understand if you want to take the opportunity for some down time.

The only people who really matter (in terms of how long you spend at a wedding) are the Bride and Groom and perhaps their parents depending on if they've paid for it. And all those people are going to be super busy trying to speak to and socialize with everyone.

Make a point to say hi to the wedding party early on and tell them what a great time you are having - and similar later on in the evening and the rest of the time - unless you make a big palaver over leaving - noone will notice if you slip away several times for a break.

You can have a few handy excuses ready if you are worried someone will mention it - "my shoes were killing me - needed a quick change"
"forgot the camera" "had to have a quick call to check on the kids" etc

This the main reason I always book a room where the wedding is on! I think it's pretty normal to do this, and nobody will notice. Heck, I was a bridesmaid at a wedding last year and still took time out in my room.

You also don't need to make any excuses as to why you're heading upstairs, just pop out when you want! Enjoy the day 😊

I love having a room booked at the people’s wedding venues for nipping off for a quick snooze/cuddle with DH/to break the drinking up, especially if it’s a long day. If it’s a long day there will be plenty of appropriate opportunities.

You’ll not be the only person at the wedding who is experiencing anxiety. I’d hazard a guess that at least a third of the guests will have their own struggles with anxiety and/or depression. It’s much more common and much less of a big deal that you’re perhaps building it up to be (which is understandable as that’s part & parcel of anxiety).
Don’t over-think it.
Chill in your room between formalities.
Don’t feel the need to come up with convoluted ‘excuses’ - just go and chill & that’s normal.
Most people won’t even notice. You’re a guest, not part of the immediate bridal party.
You’ll blend in and can fly under the radar.

This advice comes from me, as someone who has been being treated for anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder & PTSD for years. If I can manage weddings and being matron of honour and bridesmaid etc then I’m sure you’ll be just fine.

I mean this kindly OP, but I really can’t imagine letting something like this - the thought of my sister knocking on my hotel room door - stress me out so much. You’ve said yourself that she is not unkind, just needy - but you also sound a bit like you won’t use any of the ideas that people are suggesting on here? I really hope you do because it would be so unfair of her to disturb your alone time.

If it’s a particularly big wedding nobody will even notice. It isn’t rude to do this at all, smokers constantly leave and nobody bats an eyelid.

I hope you would feel able to tell the bride and groom of your intentions beforehand, and I am sure they would be understanding. You can refer to the pandemic as a reason, rather than a general issue. Or have some kind of digestive issue which means you need to return to the room.

When you arrive, tell your family that the kids had you up all night and you're knackered. A nap will be perfectly justified. Or just do as others have suggested and do a lot of nudging and winking 😃

I think that's a perfectly normal reaction to a wedding!

We always go and hide for a bit if we're at a wedding, no matter who's it is.

It's not natural to make small talk all day, go and hide when you need to, just time it well.