"You don't bring anything to the relationship other than sex and you don't do that either"

[AbstractDot]

Feels like one of the more disgusting things my DH ever said.

This was because I asked him to tidy HIS stuff away when I had tidied up. He thought that was retaliation because he had a go at me about spending too much money.

Long story short, he's supported me in a freelance career for 2 years but I've spent more than I've made. Awaiting the sale of a product which he has said won't sell because it hasn't sold yet, however it is still very much being reviewed by buyers.

Despite my effort to move into a new career and it going really well actually, I have returned to full time work this month so it feels unjust for him to now complain about spending. The thing is, when I see friends they want to go for food, drinks etc as do I and he doesn't understand why I don't just do beach and park days or go to each others houses like he does when he socialises. But when he socialises they do game evenings which they've already invested in, that's not mine and my friends sort of thing!

He has a high sex drive. I don't and never have however do enjoy sex when we have it and try to not go more than 2 weeks without it for him. He wants it at least twice a week which is fine in theory however he works a lot and having a teenager in the room next door and a younger child who walks across the landing all night fighting sleep plus a squeaky bed doesn't get me in the mood.

And now this comment. I know he's said it for effect but it's just disgusting and I don't know what to say, it certainly doesn't make me feel 'in the mood' and whilst he's a great guy I don't want to lose, I don't see how we get past it when my efforts to have sex more are unnoticed.

He's even 'researched' that sex is something he NEEDS and has health benefits etc.

For context last sex was Thursday and time before that was Sunday so he's not exactly in a terrible drought however he came into me last night at 11pm after we'd had a takeaway and were settling down for the evening, I was bloated and tired ready to settle and coz I said no he called me boring... FYI I am anything but boring and regularly indulge his fantasies.

@NoProblem123

In the words of a well known MNetter...

‘Off you fuck, Cunty Chops’

This is magnificent

So if you aren't compatible on money and sex, what are you compatible on? Does the relationship have any "good bits"?

@NoProblem123

In the words of a well known MNetter...

‘Off you fuck, Cunty Chops’

Agreed. Hopefully the husband says that soon. Mumsnet sexism strikes again.

Ugh well based on your last update OP if you can’t see what’s so very wrong with his amended statement then crack on. At least with you together no other poor woman would have to put up with him. His statements make me feel sick just reading them.

250? 250k?

** It's not a nice comment - but there appears to be some truth in it.

I'd be pissed off at supporting you for two years if you were off out with friends for meals and drinks and spending more than you'd earned. You don't appear to think this is unreasonable, but to me one of the sacrifices you should make when starting up your own business is to accept that money will be slow coming in and you tighten your belt.

You don't carry on going out for lunch and expecting your DH to fund your socialising on top of (presumably) paying mortgage, bills, food and all other expenses.

I also would point out that him wanting sex twice a week is hardly a "high" sex drive. It's probably barely average. He's not demanding it several times a day.**

^I agree with this

@Franklyfrost if it’s £250k that means she’s spent £400k 😳

Let’s reverse this;
my DH has been throwing money away for two years on a business that’s going nowhere, he’s now back at work as we need ££, yet he’s still wasting ££ on his hobbies/clothes plus never gives me sex!!
Am I right to be pissed off??

"you only bring sex to the relationship which is good right now"

Even if he did mean this, it's all he values, apparently.

I bet he supports you depending on him financially. Some men prefer it that way, so that they can bully their wives.
Think about it.
It's interesting that you've returned to fully paid work, which will put you back in an equal footing with him, financially, and he's putting your contribution to the relationship down only to sex.

Of course he doesn't want you to switch it back to what he brings to the relationship. But you should. You should evaluate it and make it clear that it will be enough or you're out. If you want to keep someone who says such things to you.

The sex and the money are separate issues. Or they should be unless wives and prostitutes serve the same function. I can't actually believe some people are giving this hideous comment credence.

What these men never seem to understand is that if he wants to have more sex with you he needs to make YOU feel like having sex. It is not a service provided by wives. Telling you he needs sex is really not the point. My teeth need to be brushed every day but I don't expect my husband to do it. Sex is something you do together not something you do to him.

He's basically telling you he's not getting value for money from the relationship and if that's really what he thinks (do you think that's what he really thinks?) there's not really a good solution to that is there.

OP you posted in AIBU instead of relationships.

He is resenting you right now, but it should resolve once you are earning again.

He agreed to support you in the business, he doesn't want you to give it up, so to be honest he shouldn't hold a grudge. At least you do seem to communicate.

Leave it for now, talk to him later and tell him it hurt you. He seems to be capable of self reflection and may well get there on his own. Think twice about making yourself financially dependent ever again.

His comments are awful however it seems like he has reached breaking point, his comments are still terrible even if stress induced.

@EmeraldShamrock

His comments are awful however it seems like he has reached breaking point, his comments are still terrible even if stress induced.

You might have had a point if the OP hadn't returned to fully paid work.

It doesn't look AT ALL like he's reached breaking point. It looks like he wants to control and put down the OP, at the time that she will no longer depend on him financially. The timing of the comment is very important.

You both need to leave and you both deserve better. You are sexually incompatible and also work life incompatible. 2 years is a lot of time to waste on a project that doesn’t gain money. His comment wasn’t nice but I get he’s frustrated. You need to stop your project and focus on your new full time role. That way when you buy your expensive skincare it’s you buying it not him.

Curious if you mean 250 and 400 or 250k and 400k... Spending 400k and only making 250k turnover over 2 years in any business is very very poor. Cut your losses. If you're talking 250 then obvs not a real business definitely not a replacement for work.

I have been sole provider at times and it's frustrating when the other person is spending like times are good even though I am cutting back. I don't expect to spend more of course but I'd expect if we are earning less we will both cut back on spending equally.

Also the sex part.. i get that he is coming off poorly (maybe he deserves it) but I do agree with a lot of posters this sounds like it's more of a case of incompatibility.

Personally I'm an every day kind of person and happy my partner has been the same. Sometimes life has gotten in the way and by the time we get to day 3-4 of no sex we can feel the tension and getting irritated at each over nothing.

It looks like he wants to control and put down the OP, at the time that she will no longer depend on him financially. The timing of the comment is very important.
Or he is resentful he has to do things around the home now OP is working FT.
Whatever the reason he is a dickhead throwing his support in your face.

@Faevern

@Franklyfrost if it’s £250k that means she’s spent £400k 😳

Yeah but if it's £250 then she's spent two years living off her partner. 😳

Neither way makes sense.