Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"You don't bring anything to the relationship other than sex and you don't do that either"

92 replies

AbstractDot · 31/05/2021 15:55

Feels like one of the more disgusting things my DH ever said.

This was because I asked him to tidy HIS stuff away when I had tidied up. He thought that was retaliation because he had a go at me about spending too much money.

Long story short, he's supported me in a freelance career for 2 years but I've spent more than I've made. Awaiting the sale of a product which he has said won't sell because it hasn't sold yet, however it is still very much being reviewed by buyers.

Despite my effort to move into a new career and it going really well actually, I have returned to full time work this month so it feels unjust for him to now complain about spending. The thing is, when I see friends they want to go for food, drinks etc as do I and he doesn't understand why I don't just do beach and park days or go to each others houses like he does when he socialises. But when he socialises they do game evenings which they've already invested in, that's not mine and my friends sort of thing!

He has a high sex drive. I don't and never have however do enjoy sex when we have it and try to not go more than 2 weeks without it for him. He wants it at least twice a week which is fine in theory however he works a lot and having a teenager in the room next door and a younger child who walks across the landing all night fighting sleep plus a squeaky bed doesn't get me in the mood.

And now this comment. I know he's said it for effect but it's just disgusting and I don't know what to say, it certainly doesn't make me feel 'in the mood' and whilst he's a great guy I don't want to lose, I don't see how we get past it when my efforts to have sex more are unnoticed.

He's even 'researched' that sex is something he NEEDS and has health benefits etc.

For context last sex was Thursday and time before that was Sunday so he's not exactly in a terrible drought however he came into me last night at 11pm after we'd had a takeaway and were settling down for the evening, I was bloated and tired ready to settle and coz I said no he called me boring... FYI I am anything but boring and regularly indulge his fantasies.

OP posts:
PennyDreadful66 · 31/05/2021 15:58

From your op he doesn't sound like a great guy..

feliznavidad2 · 31/05/2021 15:59

He sounds like a real charmer. Confused

MacCoffee · 31/05/2021 16:00

Ugh. Just ugh.
“whilst he’s a great guy” ???
I’m sorry but you don’t know what a great guy is if you think he’s great.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 31/05/2021 16:00

He’s horrible

ghostyslovesheets · 31/05/2021 16:00

what a cunt - regardless of the money/work situation no one should speak to you that way - he sound vile - I'm sorry

Merryoldgoat · 31/05/2021 16:01

Well that comment is vile.

As your husband I’d be pretty pissed off at 2 years of a failing business.

I’d not be too impressed if you were spending a lot on socialising without bringing money in.

His high sex drive doesn’t mean you have to do it on demand.

You don’t sound happy together.

MarshaBradyo · 31/05/2021 16:04

What do you want to do?

He sounds unhappy and now you do too

Original poster
AbstractDot · 31/05/2021 16:04

I understand that Penny, there's not much point me listing all the reasons he is a good guy as I don't think relevant to the issue and maybe I'm wrong but I don't think being a nice guy should give him unrestricted access to my Vagina or that a comment like that is allowed Sad

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 31/05/2021 16:05

Hard to know if your business has potential. Seems a bit off to spend £ socialising when you don't have an income

But his comment was horrible

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 16:05

So many issues to unpick OP, where would you like to start?

R0SEMARY · 31/05/2021 16:07

You don’t sound compatible.

CandyLeBonBon · 31/05/2021 16:08

@MarshaBradyo

What do you want to do?

He sounds unhappy and now you do too

New businesses take time to become profitable. You sound clueless delightful and not very aware of the very real difficulties of either freelancing as a sole trader or running a business.
Wearywithteens · 31/05/2021 16:08

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster
AbstractDot · 31/05/2021 16:10

Marsha

Interesting question.
My ideal situation is that he'd settle into sex once ir twice a week and be satisfied, I have no issue with him sorting himself out in between and the particular websites he chooses to use to do so Grin

The money issue I can appreciate it but he gets a bee in his bonnet about money and thinks because it goes fast it's ALL me when really I also have to buy for children things they need. He moaned because I spent £6 on make up in Wilko and £3 on socks! Don't get me wrong I spend a lot on my make up (Wilko was v cheap spend for me) and skincare but that's the woman he married and it certainly has never been just him bringing money in. It felt unfair that I returned to work and needed some new unform bits (professional environment) and he asked why I couldn't just wear my converse and existing clothes (which are not office smart!). God yes he is a dick isn't he Grin

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 31/05/2021 16:10

Eh? Candy not sure what you’re reacting to Confused

I mean what does she want to do about this relationship generally, not the business. You sound very chippy (and irritating)

MarshaBradyo · 31/05/2021 16:11

I’m glad you got the question op ;

MadMadMadamMim · 31/05/2021 16:16

It's not a nice comment - but there appears to be some truth in it.

I'd be pissed off at supporting you for two years if you were off out with friends for meals and drinks and spending more than you'd earned. You don't appear to think this is unreasonable, but to me one of the sacrifices you should make when starting up your own business is to accept that money will be slow coming in and you tighten your belt.

You don't carry on going out for lunch and expecting your DH to fund your socialising on top of (presumably) paying mortgage, bills, food and all other expenses.

I also would point out that him wanting sex twice a week is hardly a "high" sex drive. It's probably barely average. He's not demanding it several times a day.

I'm not suggesting you have sex if you don't want it - but it's clear that he's beginning to wonder what - if anything - you bring to the relationship and whether he might be wondering whether to call it a day with you.

Original poster
AbstractDot · 31/05/2021 16:16

The business has a lot of potential and I won't be giving it up but returning to my old career will double our income and I'd actually be the higher earner for a while. There's been times when I worked and supported him in his ventures too.

We always say we can't imagine life without each other, we reflect and see each other as soul mates, we still fancy each other and have our little quirks that make us 'us', he is my home and I am his. For me, its not that I dislike sex, I just don't like it as a duty and really put off by the thought of being heard or walked in on by a child. Ironically my FT job has now ruined the chances of our daytime sessions in a empty house which were always a little wilder than the night times.

Last few times I had really enjoyed too, you know the sessions that make you want it more, and now this!

OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 31/05/2021 16:18

@MarshaBradyo - I have to assume she meant to tag @Merryoldgoat or @notanothertakeaway, as their comments were much more blunt than yours!

And I actually agree with them. He doesn't sound great at all, but two years trying to shore up a foundering business, coupled with your spending fairly freely, was always going to cause problems. You can't just coquettishly respond 'Well, that's the woman you married!' when challenged about buying expensive make-up on no income, frankly. Maybe you should call it a day.

Original poster
AbstractDot · 31/05/2021 16:19

MadMadMadamMim

Just to clear things up, fair points regarding money. Twice a week is my compromise! He WOULD love it several times a day, that would be his level if it was his choice. Not sure how we fit that in but still, yeah he'd love that.

OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 31/05/2021 16:23

He sounds pissed off… he’s carrying the financial load and not liking it. Doesn’t sound like you’re being respectful tbh… you go out for food /drink which is expensive. I get it that’s what your friends do but if you’re setting up a business something has to give . He probably saw makeup and knowing the woman he’s married thought it was high end. Your communication has broken down. Can you do a night away.. you’re back at work and earning , reconnect and talk without interruption? Your dh has said a pretty awful thing but we all say horrible things in the heat of the moment, it’s how you sort it out that tell you if it’s a real problem

SuperstoreFan · 31/05/2021 16:24

You don't sound compatible at all and I need to be honest if my husband was spending more than he brought in I'd be pissed off too, especially if he was spunking it on socialising and hobbies.

CheshireCats · 31/05/2021 16:26

I agree with @Lollypop701 . You can't just say "that's the woman he married" re spending on high end luxuries and eating out. No doubt he wasn't expecting to be the sole earner and more than that that, subsidise a loss making business for two years when he married you.

CheshireCats · 31/05/2021 16:28

Sorry, I agree with @LobotomisedIceSkatingFan* , clicked wrong pp!

katy1213 · 31/05/2021 16:28

Your husband doesn't sound great but he does sound better than you. You certainly don't sound like soul mates - you begrudge him sex, and I can see why he's had enough of subsidising your social life while you dabble in a business that hasn't got off the ground. It's not 'doing really well actually' while it's making a loss!