"You don't bring anything to the relationship other than sex and you don't do that either"

[AbstractDot]

Feels like one of the more disgusting things my DH ever said.

This was because I asked him to tidy HIS stuff away when I had tidied up. He thought that was retaliation because he had a go at me about spending too much money.

Long story short, he's supported me in a freelance career for 2 years but I've spent more than I've made. Awaiting the sale of a product which he has said won't sell because it hasn't sold yet, however it is still very much being reviewed by buyers.

Despite my effort to move into a new career and it going really well actually, I have returned to full time work this month so it feels unjust for him to now complain about spending. The thing is, when I see friends they want to go for food, drinks etc as do I and he doesn't understand why I don't just do beach and park days or go to each others houses like he does when he socialises. But when he socialises they do game evenings which they've already invested in, that's not mine and my friends sort of thing!

He has a high sex drive. I don't and never have however do enjoy sex when we have it and try to not go more than 2 weeks without it for him. He wants it at least twice a week which is fine in theory however he works a lot and having a teenager in the room next door and a younger child who walks across the landing all night fighting sleep plus a squeaky bed doesn't get me in the mood.

And now this comment. I know he's said it for effect but it's just disgusting and I don't know what to say, it certainly doesn't make me feel 'in the mood' and whilst he's a great guy I don't want to lose, I don't see how we get past it when my efforts to have sex more are unnoticed.

He's even 'researched' that sex is something he NEEDS and has health benefits etc.

For context last sex was Thursday and time before that was Sunday so he's not exactly in a terrible drought however he came into me last night at 11pm after we'd had a takeaway and were settling down for the evening, I was bloated and tired ready to settle and coz I said no he called me boring... FYI I am anything but boring and regularly indulge his fantasies.

He doesn’t sound like a good guy, he sounds like a vicious prick.

He has supported you financially for two years. You've just got a full time job this month and you are already on a spending spree and complaining. If I was him I'd be pretty fed up too.

@Lweji

God yes he is a dick isn't he

More than you seem to have realised.

What does he bring to the relationship?

Start being the high earner again and re-evaluate the relationship as if it was your daughter's.
He needs to value you as you value him, and it's not happening at the moment. Unfortunately, he's showing you what happens if you have to depend on him and it's not a good sight, IMO.

Well he brings an income.

I don't care who earns what or spends what, that's a vile thing to say to someone. He doesn't sound like he respects you at all, ugh. Because you're contributing less financially atm you're supposed to provide sex on tap? He's revealed quite a lot about his attitudes in that comment.

His comment was awful. It doesn't sound like he has much respect for you.

But you've been spunking money up the wall while he supports your business for 2 years. You haven't been earning money, therefore you should have been economising.

And you have mismatched sex drives. Hardly unusual (especially on MN) but you sound quite transactional about sex which makes me wonder if you're telling us the whole story about that tbh.

I'd say you're pretty incompatible.

Presumably he has always had a high sec drive, so you could say that's the man you married?

I wouldn't be spending lots on meals out if my business was falling.

I agree!

His comment was cruel but tbf I’m more aghast at yours;
Don't get me wrong I spend a lot on my make up (Wilko was v cheap spend for me) and skincare but that's the woman he married
how utterly self centred, your business isnt going well or has potential; if that was the case you’d have made some money in two years and wouldn’t be back at work.
I imagine it’s just the tin hat on your shit for him, carrying on your social life and spending when as a family you’ve lost your income for two years and are indulging yourself with your ‘business’.

whilst he's a great guy

Latest Mumsnet example of female socialization in our society.

"DH did/said this shitty unforgivable thing to me. He's a great guy, and a wonderful father..."

He's a scumbag and I hope you realize that sooner rather than later. Sexual harassment in your home must be hard to live with.

In the words of a well known MNetter...

‘Off you fuck, Cunty Chops’

What he said is disgusting. No two ways about that.

However, the hypocrisy annoys me a bit. You spending money on make up etc is "the woman he married" but surely his sex drive should be the man you married. Not saying you should have sex when you don't want to, but surely you can't be surprised when he constantly wants it if he's always been like this?

Also, I'd like to know as per PP, is your business MLM?

Sounds pretty $hitty alround

You’ve not really said anything that makes it sound like he’s either nice or supportive. What did you say when he said that? Because if it was anything besides “get fucked you fucking knobhead” you were being far too nice. I’d be having a serious conversation with him about respect and what that looks like as far as you’re concerned.

Good points, I can't address all but will update that he has backtracked and said "you only bring sex to the relationship which is good right now". I don't believe he said that but he's clearly realised what he did say was way out of line. To be truthful, if he's saying sex is good right now that is a massive accomplishment as it means so much to him.

Any direct questions? As I know people have addressed lots about my spending habits.

I don't really know why sex was mentioned at all in the moment that he mentioned it though. And I certainly do bring more than sex, childcare, housework, WIFEWORK! Equally he does the 'man work' , bins, general DIY when nagged etc. and he does do a reasonable share of housework, sometimes more than me, sometimes less but apart from him me leaving stuff lying around a lot, he does maintain the house, hoover, do washing, feed kids etc. split between us ad hoc so he doesn't just provide money. I get back rubs and foot rubs and I do similar for him.

No I'm not in MLM. My business was a career change and he supported it. He doesn't want me to give it up and when I say I've spent more than I make I mean I've made about 250 and spent about 400. Too outing to say the industry but it's perfectly reasonable to spend a few years building up a CV first

You are just incompatible, both sexually and financially. It just leads to frustration from both sides.

He may as well just buy a sex doll
His attitude is disgusting and disrespectful

It sounds like a right old mess. You need to either sit down and have a civilised conversation about both of your expectations or use a councillor. Agree a budget, 5 year plan and long term goals both financial and personal. Satisfaction is about meeting needs and expectations; at the moment it sounds like you are on different pages.

Your relationship sounds a mess but I don't think that necessarily means you're incompatible. If you've not been pulling as a team for a while then a mess is inevitable. The trouble is, once it starts to go wrong you see the worst in each other and also bring out the worst in each other. The further it progresses in that downward spiral the harder it is to claw back from.

What would happen if you said something to him like:

"Look, I've been thinking and you're right in a lot of what you say. I can see why the money situation must be so frustrating for you, coupled with feeling like we have no sex life must feel rubbish. However, the way you spoke to me was belittling and hard for me to get past. I'm up for trying to work through the problems and really listening to your concerns, but I need to know that you will never speak to me like again. We need to be kind to each other to sort this out."

My direct question would be - when did you become someone who would accept being spoken to in such a horrible derogatory way by someone who is meant to love and respect you? My guess is that you've been ground down over time. Your partner does not sound nice.

You deserve better than this.

Neither of you come out of this well.His comment was disgusting.
You are clearly not compatible and it's probably time to call it a day.
You can't have sex to please someone.
You can't freely spend someone's money because you want to keep up with your friends.

My DH has supported me through some freelance and unpaid work times. It was never agreed before we met but was something that happened and we agreed together. Career changes or bumps in the road are often a natural result of taking time away from work to have children.

My DH doesn’t wave a stick at the money I spend or talk to me like a piece of shit though.

It’s one of those threads where I’d love to read the other side of the story.

I think I’d be pissed off at DH if he tried and failed to set up a business so subsequently lost money but kept spending money he didn’t really have to spend.

You’re sexually incompatible and that causes a lot of resentment on both sides. I’d be unhappy if I begrudgingly got sex twice a month too.

Do you mean for every £250 you make you spend £400? You can’t have only made £250?

You’ve turned over 250 in two years? I did that by selling three celebration cakes to mates...

@AbstractDot

I understand that Penny, there's not much point me listing all the reasons he is a good guy as I don't think relevant to the issue and maybe I'm wrong but I don't think being a nice guy should give him unrestricted access to my Vagina or that a comment like that is allowed

He’s not a good guy.

Why are you with him?

"You can't freely spend someone's money because you want to keep up with your friends."

She's not spending money to 'keep up' with her friends. She's spending money to socialise with them. My friends are the same. Lockdown aside, they don't want to eat and drink at each others' homes or just go for walks with no pub afterwards. They like to go to cafes, pubs and restaurants and if I don't take part, I'll be alone. That's why I've carried on socialising even during bouts of unemployment. (I'm single though so it's more important for me to get out).