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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"You don't bring anything to the relationship other than sex and you don't do that either"

92 replies

AbstractDot · 31/05/2021 15:55

Feels like one of the more disgusting things my DH ever said.

This was because I asked him to tidy HIS stuff away when I had tidied up. He thought that was retaliation because he had a go at me about spending too much money.

Long story short, he's supported me in a freelance career for 2 years but I've spent more than I've made. Awaiting the sale of a product which he has said won't sell because it hasn't sold yet, however it is still very much being reviewed by buyers.

Despite my effort to move into a new career and it going really well actually, I have returned to full time work this month so it feels unjust for him to now complain about spending. The thing is, when I see friends they want to go for food, drinks etc as do I and he doesn't understand why I don't just do beach and park days or go to each others houses like he does when he socialises. But when he socialises they do game evenings which they've already invested in, that's not mine and my friends sort of thing!

He has a high sex drive. I don't and never have however do enjoy sex when we have it and try to not go more than 2 weeks without it for him. He wants it at least twice a week which is fine in theory however he works a lot and having a teenager in the room next door and a younger child who walks across the landing all night fighting sleep plus a squeaky bed doesn't get me in the mood.

And now this comment. I know he's said it for effect but it's just disgusting and I don't know what to say, it certainly doesn't make me feel 'in the mood' and whilst he's a great guy I don't want to lose, I don't see how we get past it when my efforts to have sex more are unnoticed.

He's even 'researched' that sex is something he NEEDS and has health benefits etc.

For context last sex was Thursday and time before that was Sunday so he's not exactly in a terrible drought however he came into me last night at 11pm after we'd had a takeaway and were settling down for the evening, I was bloated and tired ready to settle and coz I said no he called me boring... FYI I am anything but boring and regularly indulge his fantasies.

OP posts:

OldkermitSippingtea · 31/05/2021 16:30

OP, I have to say spending more than what's coming in, then basically saying "so what?" doesn't make you sound like a very financially responsible person. Your husband may be worried about this, if that's the sort of thing you do.

Still, what he said is horrible and I'd be having a serious discussion about your relationship and both your roles in the marriage. If that's what he really thinks of you, it's not good. Doesn't say much about both of you to be honest.

toocold54 · 31/05/2021 16:32

I would have replied that stress is the biggest factor in not wanting to have sex so him having a go at you about it is not helping the situation at all.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like a great relationship and I think you both think it’s just the sex that needs addressing but actually even if that was fine you’d still have a lot of issues.
I’d be thinking long and hard about where this relationship is going.

Wearywithteens · 31/05/2021 16:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Grumblesigh · 31/05/2021 16:34

Feels like one of the more disgusting things my DH ever said.

There are runners-up to that comment?? Or worse? Because I don't care what your spending/earning is or was, or how often you have sex, that is a horrible, horrible thing to say to your partner.

Do not debate the rights and wrongs of how often you have sex or whether you were spending too much of the household income.

The problem is that he thought it was okay to say that. That was not intended to discuss or resolve an issue - it was intended to wound you, deeply. Does he often say things that serve no purpose but to tear you down and put you 'in your place'?

You say you can't imagine living without him. You might want to try.

SoosanCarter · 31/05/2021 16:36

Is your business MLM?

Bluedeblue · 31/05/2021 16:37

Well, on MN people find it disgusting if one person appears to be asking for more sex, or sulking if there is no sex. But in reality, what this means is that the person who wants sex and isn't getting it, is just supposed to keep as quiet as a mouse, lest they look like a pest. It's not very realistic though, is it? I get virtually no sex from my DH. It is soul destroying. Yes, I mention it. Nothing changes. I didn't choose to be celibate, and yet here I am. I feel angry about it. I expect your DH feels the same. Okay, of course what he said will sting, but just remember that the person who is continually neglected also feels stung.

MarshaBradyo · 31/05/2021 16:40

Lobotomised yes I think so

Op any mismatch in sex drove can be problematic as neither is happy generally

On the money thing you say you’ve returned to work? So us that now resolved, which leaves the sex part

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2021 16:46

You need to cut your cloth accordingly

If you have no income - don't spend like you have loads. He did not marry someone who would not adapt to a reduced income did he? It's not like he knew you would not make sensible changes to spending habits.

His comment is out of order but I'd be pissed off if was funding my DH social life and personal spending whilst he brought in nothing. Potential is not actual.

It's good you have returned to a full time job - hope this helps. BUT - don't think this is carte blanch to spend like water - perhaps do some saving to make up for the excessing spends?

Stompythedinosaur · 31/05/2021 16:47

No nice guy would say (or think) something so awful. He sounds horrible and I don't think he loves you. He also sounds like a misogynist who believes he owns you. He sounds absolutely disgusting.

If he wasn't happy to support you while you set up your business then the time to say so was then. The fact that he has tied finances to being entitled to use your body to cum in whenever he likes says tons about him.

SunshineCake · 31/05/2021 16:48

@notanothertakeaway

Hard to know if your business has potential. Seems a bit off to spend £ socialising when you don't have an income

But his comment was horrible

Really? I'm a SAHM and I can spend what I want. I don't take the piss but dh never says no. Probably because my worth is the childcare stuff and doing most house things.

ViciousJackdaw · 31/05/2021 16:48

he's a great guy I don't want to lose

'Great guy'? Is this a euphemism for 'wallet'? It's just threads like this appear time and time again and despite the cutting comments, the mis-matched sex drive, the arguments and the lack of mutual understanding, they are all still 'great guys'.

I can't see any other explanation for it.

MrsClatterbuck · 31/05/2021 16:48

@Bluedeblue

But they do have sex just not several times a day which is what her DH would really like. If a couple have different sex drives then a compromise has to be made which will not be perfect all the time. Plus the op has now got a job and will be earning more. Not sure what more they want her to do. Thing is remarks like that is less likely to make the op in the mood for sex so will be very counter productive. If my DH said that to me my vagina would be going on strike.

BigHeadBertha · 31/05/2021 16:50

Well, you have two children to think of and things don't seem to be going well at all, which means a final break could possibly occur at any time.

I'd advise marriage counseling right away. Too often, couples drag their feet about it until it all falls apart and then they wish they'd have handled their problems while they still had the chance to.

SimonJT · 31/05/2021 16:52

Not putting up with someone over spending and not bringing an income into the home is fine.

Saying what he said is absolutely not fine.

eatsleepread · 31/05/2021 16:53

It's all about him, isn't it?

And neither of you seem happy.

EverdeRose · 31/05/2021 16:53

I can't imagine he's particularly pleased with the set up, he's supporting your failing business while your pissing his money up the wall. If you can't afford all these meals and drinks out don't go.

Lweji · 31/05/2021 16:56

God yes he is a dick isn't he

More than you seem to have realised.

What does he bring to the relationship?

Start being the high earner again and re-evaluate the relationship as if it was your daughter's.
He needs to value you as you value him, and it's not happening at the moment. Unfortunately, he's showing you what happens if you have to depend on him and it's not a good sight, IMO.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 31/05/2021 16:57

@eatsleepread

It's all about him, isn't it?

And neither of you seem happy.

Doesn't really seem to be all about him, no . . .

Lweji · 31/05/2021 17:01

thinks because it goes fast it's ALL me when really I also have to buy for children things they need.

That's easily sorted. He does the shopping and pays for it all so that he takes notice of how much the children cost.

unwuthering · 31/05/2021 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Palavah · 31/05/2021 17:05

@Merryoldgoat

Well that comment is vile.

As your husband I’d be pretty pissed off at 2 years of a failing business.

I’d not be too impressed if you were spending a lot on socialising without bringing money in.

His high sex drive doesn’t mean you have to do it on demand.

You don’t sound happy together.

This. Why can't you tell your friends you need to economise and seek cheaper ways of socialising?

His comment was not justified.

You don't sound sexually compatible.

Mydogmylife · 31/05/2021 17:06

@OldkermitSippingtea

I agree with this actually, neither of you sound great, and your comment re expensive makeup must be a piss take surely???

Faevern · 31/05/2021 17:06

What he said is horrible. What I’ve read suggests you are not compatible. Do you often have to ask him to tidy his stuff up, does he often have a go about money.

Two years is a long time to spend more than you earn I can understand his frustration especially if you spend well.

He would like sex all of the time, you try not to make him go more than 2 weeks. You are happy for him to wank to porn the rest of the time?

No one should have sex if they don’t want it but, Soulmate, really?

TwoAndAnOnion · 31/05/2021 17:09

@MrsClatterbuck

But they do have sex just not several times a day which is what her DH would really like.

That isn't what the OP said : (I) try to not go more than 2 weeks without it for him. He wants it at least twice a week

(IMHO) Twice a week is not a high sex drive.

I agree with @Bluedeblue
Well, on MN people find it disgusting if one person appears to be asking for more sex, or sulking if there is no sex. But in reality, what this means is that the person who wants sex and isn't getting it, is just supposed to keep as quiet as a mouse, lest they look like a pest. It's not very realistic though, is it? I get virtually no sex from my DH. It is soul destroying. Yes, I mention it. Nothing changes. I didn't choose to be celibate, and yet here I am. I feel angry about it. I expect your DH feels the same. Okay, of course what he said will sting, but just remember that the person who is continually neglected also feels stung.

Bumzoo · 31/05/2021 17:15

Presumably he has always had a high sec drive, so you could say that's the man you married?

I wouldn't be spending lots on meals out if my business was falling.

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