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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i be concerned about ds and his gf?

100 replies

Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 19:25

They are 20 and been together 8/9 months, she spends a lot of time here and stays over now its allowed. I have heard many arguments where she says she is going to kill herself, always says this as says she has mental health issues etc. She doesnt threaten him with it, just says she will do it one day and he wont know when etc. She seems to massively over react to things and my son is heard trying to pacify her. I did ask once if everything was ok but my son shut down and told me not to intefere.

What can I do? Should I try and break them up? What if she persuades my son to kill themselves together or something??? My son has a bright future, so worried?

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 30/05/2021 19:31

Try to split them up? You've been watching too many soap operas, that's a terrible idea that would clearly make things worse.

Carry on being supportive. You're right to be concerned but she is really not likely to 'persuade him' to kill himself or similar.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 20:00

So I can be concerned but not do anything about it? agghh argument has been going on 1 hour so far...................

OP posts:
TwoAndAnOnion · 30/05/2021 20:02

You have to play the long game.

Eventually, he will get tired and drained with her antics.

ShutUpAlex · 30/05/2021 20:02

She’d be out of my house. Using suicide as coercion is a disgusting thing to do. Your son is in an abusive relationship.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/05/2021 20:03

Don't try to split them up. Support your DS without passing judgment and let him know you're always there if he needs you.

VanCleefArpels · 30/05/2021 20:06

I think you have a right to say that while they are in your house you scurvy them to behave civilly towards each other and not embarrass you and any other people living there with Gavin if to listen to the argument. I also think as a concerned parent you can talk to your son and gently ask if he is happy, what does he think about these really extreme threats etc. But ultimately us parents of adult children have to bite our tongues and be there for when things go tits up.

VanCleefArpels · 30/05/2021 20:07

Expect not scurvy!

VanCleefArpels · 30/05/2021 20:07

Having to listen...

junebirthdaygirl · 30/05/2021 20:08

Could you say something about arguing 8n your home when you can hear them. A few cross words might be OK but to argue for an hour within earshot is very rude and shows no respect for you.
Could you chat to your ds about encouraging her to see a doctor as she is a danger to herself. Also we are always been told not to stand idly by and ignore domestic abuse. This is what's happening here but it is difficult to know what to do about it.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 20:16

I'll try, they have just gone for a drive, I quickly asked if everything was ok and my son looked bemused and confused & shrugged his shoulders,

worried sick, she is saying she is killing herself tonight

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 30/05/2021 20:21

If she is making threats about suicide, can you contact her mum? Or ri g 101 for advice? Someone needs to speak to her.

Do you think the threats are away of controlling your son? Ie. If he displeases her, she will (threaten to) do something dramatic?

If you hear an ongoing arguement in your house that lasts for an hour, I think you can reasonably intervene.

Definately · 30/05/2021 20:23

I think you need to talk to your son about how abusers manipulate their partners using suicide threats, amongst their other ways and means.

BrilliantBetty · 30/05/2021 20:23

Call her parents. Or 101 possibly for advice. What if she does it and you've done nothing to try and stop her?

She probably won't of course, but not worth the risk.

Stichintime · 30/05/2021 20:25

Get in touch with her family and ask she doesn't come over for a while.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 20:25

I;ll speak to my son when i get a chance to see him alone, contemplating telling her dad (mum not around) but worried over interfering and pushing ds away?

OP posts:
toocold54 · 30/05/2021 20:30

At 20 he is old enough to make up his own mind and old enough to move out so I’d be very careful about bringing it up.
I would honestly bite your tongue and just keep an eye on the situation.

OverByYer · 30/05/2021 20:30

I doubt she actually will it sounds to me like she is using this as a means of controlling your son.
You can’t split them up.
I’d call her bluff and ring her father and let him know what she is saying

CharElizaaaa · 30/05/2021 20:34

Not to generalise at all but usually, people do so without telling others, if it is a genuine plan to end her life, she wouldn’t want interference. I guess knowing her personally you can decide if this is a bizzare cry for help or abuse tactic. It’s hard being mentally ill, it is even harder loving someone that is. He will get fed up eventually but it’s the fine line between seeing through someone’s BS and being scared to death that they will do something. It’s mental torture for your DS.

You say they’re adults, can he get her help at all? She’s threatening her life rightly or wrongly and a drive isn’t the help or kick up the backside (IF it is a tactic) she needs. Proper authorities would be.

iduno · 30/05/2021 20:38

U absolutely shld tell her dad. What do they expect u to do, they are arguing loud enough that u can hear so not like they are trying to keep it a secret.

I would be very concerned about this and the effect on ur son. Not sure I'd want her in my house but then u don't want to push ur son away. Def try and spk to him alone and find out what's going on etc.

GroggyLegs · 30/05/2021 20:40

I’d call her bluff and ring her father and let him know what she is saying

Yep, me too. I'd be contacting her parents.
I assume after 8 months you know if they generally seem okay?

You've got someone in your home threatening suicide - whatever the reason, control tactic or genuine threat, you can't ignore it!

I knew someone who did a similar thing & I called her mum to collect her. It was amazing to see her snap out of the crisis when she heard her mum was on the way.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 20:42

She has said this many times before though, I am wary of contacting her dad as could push my son away if i do, he seems to adore her. I may do as someone mentioned and keep a close eye for now?

OP posts:
Mumoftwo1990 · 30/05/2021 20:42

@Coldwine75

They are 20 and been together 8/9 months, she spends a lot of time here and stays over now its allowed. I have heard many arguments where she says she is going to kill herself, always says this as says she has mental health issues etc. She doesnt threaten him with it, just says she will do it one day and he wont know when etc. She seems to massively over react to things and my son is heard trying to pacify her. I did ask once if everything was ok but my son shut down and told me not to intefere.

What can I do? Should I try and break them up? What if she persuades my son to kill themselves together or something??? My son has a bright future, so worried?

Support him and say he can talk to you whenever, no judgement etc. My uncle went through something similar with a girlfriend and eventually they split, it did mess with him but they won't last
Original poster
Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 20:43

@toocold54

At 20 he is old enough to make up his own mind and old enough to move out so I’d be very careful about bringing it up. I would honestly bite your tongue and just keep an eye on the situation.
I think i will use this advice for now, but if it gets worse then contact. If he had moved out or was at Uni i wouldnt have a clue what was going on. She often says this in a heated discussion and my dh also said people who really want to do this dont tell anyone.......very on edge !
OP posts:
MistyMinge2 · 30/05/2021 20:46

She sounds very manipulative. I'd definitely be telling her Father and would be keeping my fingers crossed DS hurries up and sees the light.

Echobelly · 30/05/2021 20:46

I don't think you have to be worried about your son - I think it would be pretty rare for someone to be somehow talked into a suicide pact or anything like that. Don't try to split them up, it never works - just keep an open channel and talk about how he's feeling so as not to make it about gf.

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