Page 3 | Should i be concerned about ds and his gf?

Coldwine75 · 2021-05-30T18:25:52+00:00

They are 20 and been together 8/9 months, she spends a lot of time here and stays over now its allowed. I have heard many arguments where she says she is going to kill herself, always says this as says she has mental health issues etc. She doesnt threaten him with it, just says she will do it one day and he wont know when etc. She seems to massively over react to things and my son is heard trying to pacify her. I did ask once if everything was ok but my son shut down and told me not to intefere. What can I do? Should I try and break them up? What if she persuades my son to kill themselves together or something??? My son has a bright future, so worried?

Original poster

Coldwine75 · 31/05/2021 15:26

Son came back today and we talked, he loves her and asked me to help him, help her, she also feels embarrased and ashamed she got carried away , says she cant control her feelings. So, she is going to go to Gp with my son and ask for talking therapy. She also said to my son she sees me and my dh as parents as hers didnt care, she respects us and wants advice etc.

I made sure my son is ok and not affected, he said he is worried obviously but wants to help her.

At this stage I am not telling her dad but will watch and see what happens.

May update later on!

OP posts:

romdowa · 31/05/2021 15:29

@Coldwine75

Son came back today and we talked, he loves her and asked me to help him, help her, she also feels embarrased and ashamed she got carried away , says she cant control her feelings. So, she is going to go to Gp with my son and ask for talking therapy. She also said to my son she sees me and my dh as parents as hers didnt care, she respects us and wants advice etc.

I made sure my son is ok and not affected, he said he is worried obviously but wants to help her.

At this stage I am not telling her dad but will watch and see what happens.

May update later on!

Sounds like more manipulation really. Watch and see for now but if she makes those threats again then you will need to have a serious chat with your son.

Original poster

Coldwine75 · 31/05/2021 15:31

I dont think its threats, its a girl who was struggling with her emotions, for now I will be open minded and me & her are having a talk soon, she is welcome in our family for now but dont worry I am keeping a close eye on things........

OP posts:

billy1966 · 31/05/2021 15:39

@ShutUpAlex

She’d be out of my house. Using suicide as coercion is a disgusting thing to do. Your son is in an abusive relationship.

Wouldn't be happening in my house.

She certainly wouldn't be staying over and causing a ruckus like that.

She would be asked to leave and I would take time to chat to my son.

I also would contact her parents and tell them exactly what she is saying, in MY hearing, in MY house.

You behave like that in MY house, it is MY business.

I would not be encouraging a relationship where she is threatening MY son, with her life.

Fxxk that.

billy1966 · 31/05/2021 15:44

OP,
You sound like a very nice woman but this relationship is not in your son's long term best interests.

It sounds as if the relation is dominated by her and her MH.
It's unfortunate but to put it baldly, I would want more for my child than this.

Whether she means it or not, she is abusing your son and he needs that explained clearly to him.
Would do him any harm to see someone to help him understand this.

youngandbroken · 31/05/2021 15:46

I would try and ring someone, especially her dad but also 111 for advice. I know that people say that those who say it don't do it but that isn't always true. When I became very unwell I did talk about it alot because I was scared of what I would do and nobody listened to me, in fact I was met with alot of hostility, until I finally did make an attempt.

Seesawmummadaw · 31/05/2021 15:48

‘ Should I try and break them up?’

I would do the opposite of this. Talk to her, offer support! You said mum isn’t around? Maybe she needs someone to step in and listen.
She needs help, she’s literally shouting for help!

Blankspace101 · 31/05/2021 15:50

If they are arguing in your house loud enough for you to hear then I’d be stepping in and asking if everything is ok. If you hear her threatening suicide then call 999 and tell them she is a risk to herself and your son.

Branleuse · 31/05/2021 15:50

i think id tell him that youre quite worried about the way she is treating him, and whether its to do with her mental health or not, it doesnt mean you have to put up with everything, with no boundaries. That her feelings are clearly worrying but that he needs to remember that its not all his responsibility and that he needs to be very careful he doesnt allow her to drag him down with her. Could you suggest that he looks into getting a counsellor if he worries that youre too involved to understand?

1forAll74 · 31/05/2021 15:55

If you can hear all,or some of the arguments that occur between the two of them, can you not say , that you are worried about some things that are being said. It is your home, and you are allowed to be worried about this. I know that youngies don't like a parent to interfere, but some times it has to be done if there is a worry about something or other, and it could help in the long run.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 31/05/2021 16:01

@Coldwine75

Son came back today and we talked, he loves her and asked me to help him, help her, she also feels embarrased and ashamed she got carried away , says she cant control her feelings. So, she is going to go to Gp with my son and ask for talking therapy. She also said to my son she sees me and my dh as parents as hers didnt care, she respects us and wants advice etc.

I made sure my son is ok and not affected, he said he is worried obviously but wants to help her.

At this stage I am not telling her dad but will watch and see what happens.

May update later on!

Good. She's put a line in the sand for you. First thing Monday morning she needs to be on that phone to the surgery to put her money where her mouth is.

Regarding talking therapy, she doesn't get to be choosy. Those services are massively oversubscribed. She may have to just start with meds and go on a waiting list. Not what she wants but if she's serious about getting this sorted she will accept any help.

chocolateorangeinhaler · 31/05/2021 16:01

*Tuesday morning

LibbyL92 · 31/05/2021 16:13

If she is making threats about suicide I’d call her parents and then 111.

Tistheseason17 · 31/05/2021 16:19

Just in case she does not go to the GP - She does not need a referral from the GP for talking therapies in most parts of the country - she can self refer online. But she should still see GP as clearly she needs help - there is a massive waiting list as our government does not invest in mental health or social care. Such a shame. We do have an awesome nuclear weapon holding, though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/05/2021 16:38

I’m glad to see she’s going to look at talking therapies. Saying she’s tried and failed at therapy at 20 is ridiculous. At any age really. You have to find the right person and be prepared to work on yourself.

If his gf is talking like this in your house, it absolutely is your business. It’s difficult to know from what you’ve said if this is manipulation or a cry for help. Could be a combi of both.

toocold54 · 31/05/2021 16:56

You seem like such a great parent OP

Chillychangchoo · 31/05/2021 17:12

I’d have a word with my son and tell him she sounds manipulative and unhinged. I’d probably buy him a book about women with personality disorders and hope that he would read it, and then hopefully he would bin her off.

Who needs that at his young age? She sounds like one massive burden.

If I heard her saying that in my house I would have to say something, and if my adult son didn’t like it I would make him aware to take his arguments elsewhere (considering it was under my roof).

Chillychangchoo · 31/05/2021 17:27

She clearly has abandonment issues. Whilst sad, she would not be my priority.

She has abused the OPs son with her manipulation so in the first instance my concern would be for my sons well-being. It’s not up to him to rescue her. these issues run deep and she absolutely won’t be “cured” by a bit of NHS talking therapy. This will just be the start. She will get pregnant next and then the fun and games really will start.

He sounds well shot of her OP. Also you let her abuse your son under your own roof and you didn’t intervene. Weak boundaries all round in your household.

2bazookas · 31/05/2021 18:07

You can point out (to both of them) that to keep manipulating him with "Do this or I'll kill myself" is not love. It's emotional abuse and controlling behaviour.

There is advice for how he can deal with it

www.thehotline.org/resources/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/

Embracelife · 31/05/2021 18:15

Tell your ds that if someone is genuinely suicidal they need medical help.
That nothing he says or does will change the outcome.

If she threatens suicide and you believe her you call 999. So they can be medically assessed .
If she Says she will kill herself tonight drive her to a and e.

Peach01 · 31/05/2021 18:37

@Coldwine75

Son came back today and we talked, he loves her and asked me to help him, help her, she also feels embarrased and ashamed she got carried away , says she cant control her feelings. So, she is going to go to Gp with my son and ask for talking therapy. She also said to my son she sees me and my dh as parents as hers didnt care, she respects us and wants advice etc.

I made sure my son is ok and not affected, he said he is worried obviously but wants to help her.

At this stage I am not telling her dad but will watch and see what happens.

May update later on!

This is all very positive. I know it's not resolved but great that steps have been taken so quickly after addressing it. It's lovely that she sees you as parents. Your son sounds very mature and it's commendable that he's asked for your help to help her. She's probably had very little guidance or support from home on how to deal with things or had a good ear that will listen to her and help her. It sounds like they've let her down. She's lucky to have met your son and your family. I hope everything works out.

HalzTangz · 31/05/2021 18:48

@Coldwine75

She has said this many times before though, I am wary of contacting her dad as could push my son away if i do, he seems to adore her. I may do as someone mentioned and keep a close eye for now?

Regardless of your son,her da has aright to know his daughter is saying these things, he needs to get her help. I doubt your son will be pushed away, if anything he will most likely be glad that someone will help her. I would approach it personally this way, when arguing start ls and you here the suicide threat, at that point calmly say that her threats are concerning and that you'll will speak to her dad unless she seeks help for herself. Calmly tell her it's not right to threaten suicide when things don't go her way. Tell her if she continues she will no longer be welcome in your home.

Also say all this to your son between her visiting today and the next time she visits, so he knows what is coming. It also may prompt him to push her to get help or speak to her father himself

2bazookas · 31/05/2021 18:50

She is now manipulating and controlling YOU and son with flattery , by claiming she regards you as her parents . When that fantasy falls apart, you'll be accused of rejection and neglect (just like her own parents) and she'll use it to drive a wedge between you and your son.

If this was a male emotionally abusing your 20 yr old daughter this way, you'd have no difficulty recognising the behaviour for what it is; control, bullying, manipulation and threats.

chicolateteapot · 31/05/2021 18:58

She’s 20. Dont write her off. She may very well be genuine and need therapy and if she does as promised and call the gp this week and is serious she could actually turn her life around.

Everyone deserves a chance

billy1966 · 31/05/2021 18:59

@2bazookas

She is now manipulating and controlling YOU and son with flattery , by claiming she regards you as her parents . When that fantasy falls apart, you'll be accused of rejection and neglect (just like her own parents) and she'll use it to drive a wedge between you and your son.

If this was a male emotionally abusing your 20 yr old daughter this way, you'd have no difficulty recognising the behaviour for what it is; control, bullying, manipulation and threats.

Agree. Also with @Chillychangchoo.

Your son is very young to be throwing his life away to be carer to someone with MH issues.

Very sad for her but not your son's load to carry.

Men do not begin to mature until 25+, he has NO idea what he is getting involved with.

Poor boy.
He's barely out of childhood. I have sons that age and there is no way my husband and I would facilitate this.

You are being played.

Anyone threatening suicide needs professionals, NOT a 20 year old.