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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should i be concerned about ds and his gf?

100 replies

Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 19:25

They are 20 and been together 8/9 months, she spends a lot of time here and stays over now its allowed. I have heard many arguments where she says she is going to kill herself, always says this as says she has mental health issues etc. She doesnt threaten him with it, just says she will do it one day and he wont know when etc. She seems to massively over react to things and my son is heard trying to pacify her. I did ask once if everything was ok but my son shut down and told me not to intefere.

What can I do? Should I try and break them up? What if she persuades my son to kill themselves together or something??? My son has a bright future, so worried?

OP posts:

hilarymantlepiece · 30/05/2021 20:47

Two questions, if I may, Coldwine?

Do you feel that your son is also vulnerable and
Have you ever invited his girlfriend to sit down one to one with you and discuss her feelings?

Castlepeak · 30/05/2021 20:59

Would you do nothing if she were denying him access to money? What about cutting off his access to friends? How about if she was hitting him?

Threatening suicide in an argument is a form of abuse. It’s about control and manipulation.

It is extremely difficult to extricate someone from an abusive relationship. I understand you don’t want to remove his escape path.

I don’t think it’s ok to continue to allow her to treat you home like her own because then you are actually witnessing the abuse and doing nothing.

Dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 30/05/2021 21:31

@ShutUpAlex

She’d be out of my house. Using suicide as coercion is a disgusting thing to do. Your son is in an abusive relationship.

This

Peach01 · 30/05/2021 21:31

Don't try to split them up, your son might feel like you're against him. The situation needs to be approached carefully and you'll probably need to do a lot more listening than talking initially.
Is there a way you can get your son to open up a bit more about it? Tell him you can hear the arguments and for one it's causing an atmosphere in your house.
Secondly tell him you've heard her mention suicide and you're really concerned for her. Is there any way you could speak to her to get a better understanding? She sounds like she has difficulty dealing with her emotions. To mention suicide in the heat of an argument isn't the right thing to do but she maybe doesn't understand and needs a better way to express herself or another outlet that doesn't involve self harm.
Unless your sons vulnerable I wouldn't be concerned about a suicide pact.

DdraigGoch · 30/05/2021 21:40

There's nothing you can do but wait for things to run their course.

I would however remind them that other people have no wish to listen to their argument so could they please pipe down?

toocold54 · 30/05/2021 22:56

She’d be out of my house. Using suicide as coercion is a disgusting thing to do. Your son is in an abusive relationship.

I’d want to do this but then he’d move out of OPs house and in with the girl where it would get worse. At least if he’s still at home OP can keep an eye on him.

anothernewtop · 30/05/2021 23:04

I wouldn't tolerate this at all. Sleepovers? Fine. Constantly arguing? Absolutely no way.

LizzieW1969 · 30/05/2021 23:41

She’d be out of my house. Using suicide as coercion is a disgusting thing to do. Your son is in an abusive relationship.

That is certainly true, that he’s in an abusive relationship. But making her leave won’t do anything to alleviate her DS’s anxiety about his gf and she’ll only carry on texting him with the suicide threats. And he may leave to be with her.

I also think the best way is to keep being available to him if he needs to talk. That way, hopefully you’ll be able to help him to understand that he’s in an abusive relationship.

While they are together in your house, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to behave civilly towards each other, and to be considerate of others in the house.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 31/05/2021 02:24

Don’t try and split them up. But I would be gently pointing out to your son that repeatedly threatening suicide to get him to pacify her is a form of abuse and manipulation that he is being subjected to.

Just plant the seed. He may reflect on it as he gets more fed up.

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 02:57

Tell HER you heard her threatening Suicide and you are concerned about her mental health, and you can accompany her to see a GP, if it would help.

This is happening in your home OP, you can hear these threats, it is not unreasonable to broach the subject directly.

I could not stand by in my own home and hear my DS being manipulated and say nothing. You obviously need to word it carefully, but it needs addressed.

🌸🌷🌺

SkodaKodiaq · 31/05/2021 02:59

I'd be sitting her down and making it abundantly clear that I won't put up with her using coercion to abuse & manipulate my son! Telling her that it stops now

SkodaKodiaq · 31/05/2021 03:00

I'm sorry but I simply couldn't just sit back and do nothing. This will be affecting him mentally. It's really, really not right at all...

Louisbeau · 31/05/2021 03:06

Maybe sit down with your son and express your worries, maybe explaining how what she is doing is abusive. Do you think she is being serious in any way? If so you should mention it to her parents because they have a right to know

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 03:14

Speak to HER .. she us in YOUR home.

PinkSatinMoon · 31/05/2021 03:14

*is

miltonj · 31/05/2021 09:35

I think the girl needs a wake up call, she needs to realise that this behaviour doesn't achieve anything. It comes from low self esteem. I would go into the room and say something along the lines of
'I know all relationships have difficulties and I really hope you're both ok, but this level of argument in my house is not acceptable so I need you 'girlfriend' or both of you to leave the house for now'.
And if your concerned for her well-being I would call her dad, if nothing else, it teaches her that her threats have consequences. You'll also be putting down a firm boundary on your home and also on their relationship - they know they can no longer fight in your house.

adreamofspring · 31/05/2021 09:55

Just tell your son you understand he’s an adult and will make his own decisions but concerned some of GFs language is unhealthy and encourage him to educate himself about coercive control and emotional abuse.

jasminoide · 31/05/2021 10:03

You really need to talk to your son OP, he is being manipulated. At a similar age I was in a very intense friendship with a flatmate. She was always threatening suicide and at the time I felt it was my job to pacify and thereby 'save' her. The stress and pressure was very detrimental to my own mental health and I nearly had a breakdown. Do not "do nothing", you need to tell him what she is doing and even if he doesn't initially acknowledge this it will plant the seed for him.

OwlinaTree · 31/05/2021 10:05

I think I would try to have a chat with the son about what he wants from a relationship. Along the lines of relationships are supposed to make you feel happy and be fun especially at the age of 20. Also that he is not responsible for the gf's behaviour, it is not his fault she feels suicidal. If she is really unwell she needs to get professional help, it is not up to son to try to make her better.

This is so hard op, I hope your son is ok.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 31/05/2021 10:09

Contact the parents and leave them to it. She needs help.

newnortherner111 · 31/05/2021 10:13

It does seem a coercive threat to me. Either speak to the girlfriend directly (I think preferable as it has been heard by you) or her parents. I wonder if your son is someone who is very keen or even desperate to be in a relationship and not be single.

Original poster

Coldwine75 · 31/05/2021 10:21

Well they came back from a drive and it was as if nothing has happened, laughing, joking, all lovey etc. They went to her dad's last night so didnt get a chance to talk to my ds, I texted to say im here to talk if you need it, he said everything was ok now and he will tell me everything soon.

Hopefully I will see him when he gets back today and can have a chat.
Apparently she has already tried medication in the past and therapy but she said has not worked, we have chatted before and she has come from an abusive mother.

Gosh this is hard , no one warns you of all this do they.

OP posts:

chocolateorangeinhaler · 31/05/2021 15:08

Get her one to one and say you are concerned at what's she's saying and that it's very emotionaly controlling and your concerned for her safety and that if she wants to continue to stay under your roof she takes responsibility. Gets a GP app and asks for help.
If she keeps saying it and refuses to help herself then time to talk to her parents or start asking the police to do a welfare check. She might like crying wolf for the attention, show her what the reality of that looks like.
I'll be roasted for saying that but people who really do have mental health problems are desperate to feel normal and usually do whatever they can to get back on track. Threatening suicide every 5 minutes is extremely cruel to your son.

katy1213 · 31/05/2021 15:17

I'd make her rather less welcome in your home, no more staying over - hard to break them up but you don't have to encourage it. And ask her to leave if there's lengthy rows going on. Definitely tell her parents.

queenMab99 · 31/05/2021 15:25

I would speak to her, she is in your house constantly threatening suicide, it is intrusive and upsetting. We all understand that people argue sometimes, and can overlook occasional outbursts, but this is not acceptable. Perhaps if you speak to her and gently ask her to seek help for her problems, she will realise, that either she does need help, or how poorly she is behaving.

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