Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i be concerned about ds and his gf?

100 replies

Coldwine75 · 30/05/2021 19:25

They are 20 and been together 8/9 months, she spends a lot of time here and stays over now its allowed. I have heard many arguments where she says she is going to kill herself, always says this as says she has mental health issues etc. She doesnt threaten him with it, just says she will do it one day and he wont know when etc. She seems to massively over react to things and my son is heard trying to pacify her. I did ask once if everything was ok but my son shut down and told me not to intefere.

What can I do? Should I try and break them up? What if she persuades my son to kill themselves together or something??? My son has a bright future, so worried?

OP posts:
Mintyt · 31/05/2021 19:10

@SkodaKodiaq me too. Too much tiptoeing about - when you next hear it say in front of both of them that you have heard this, is there anything you can to do help, and I will speak to your dad to help you too

Chillychangchoo · 31/05/2021 19:19

@chicolateteapot

Oh please, if the shoe was on the other foot and there was a 20 year old male abusing someone’s daughter on here I doubt he would be given a chance at all.

She’s absolutely manipulated the OP too with the “you’re like my parents line”. OP has fell for it and then wonders why her son falls for it. She’s spotted the vulnerability in the OPs son who’s probably a kind and genuine person.

TheoMeo · 31/05/2021 19:41

Where is your DH on this relationship.
Does son work, Does GF work.
Could they afford to set up home together.
Does she (and DS) see her DM?
What is her DF like?
This affects what advice is best.

I think that the comment that she sees you as her real parents is very crafty (could be genuine but if you were her real parents she wouldn't be having loud hour long rows in your home - you would deal with it there and then). Perhaps you could toughen up a bit with her - and throw it back in her face, no child of yours would be allowed to do x or y without your feeling some responsiblitiy so you are going to inform her DF/ ensure she gets counselling / whatever.

tttigress · 31/05/2021 19:55

Well only heard you side, but she hardly seems like a good influence.

I would site your son down one to one and say you have heard all of these srguy with her threatening to kill herself. I recon this might bring more reality to the situation for him.

3Britnee · 31/05/2021 20:36

@ShutUpAlex

She’d be out of my house. Using suicide as coercion is a disgusting thing to do. Your son is in an abusive relationship.
Yep this. I'd tell her it too as I chucked her out.
Original poster
Coldwine75 · 31/05/2021 21:04

Thanks, she has issues with a bad upbringing and we will try and help, my Dh understands as he too had exactly the same situation. My son is very caring to her and very understanding, we will keep an eye out though x

OP posts:
ShutUpAlex · 31/05/2021 21:09

You sound a lot more concerned about her than you do your son. Why? You don’t owe her anything, she is not your child, he is.

Chillychangchoo · 31/05/2021 21:39

@ShutUpAlex

Agreed. DH being “understanding” because he too had a similar upbringing raises a red flag. Usually partnerships like these are magnetised towards each other, so I would say there was a larger dynamic going on within this home that predisposes this young man to maybe hook up with dysfunctional partners.

Harsh, but often true.

Budapestdreams · 31/05/2021 22:24

OP, none of us know the full story here or know the people involved. You do.

You know that she is either being manipulative and has a habit of coercive control over your son, or she is suffering and desperately needs support that she doesn't get at home.
You know (hopefully) if their relationship is otherwise healthy.

This knowledge can guide you in your actions, although either way, your son needs to know that our is not his job to solve her problems, not his duty to keep her alive and not his job to deal with her mental health problems. She needs professional support for that.

Your role isn't to make decisions for him, but to support him through this tough time in his life to the best of your ability.

PinkPoloMint · 01/06/2021 00:44

OP it really shouldn't be this hard.. your Son is young and has his whole life ahead of him..

This is not what I would want for him long term. He cannot fix her childhood her life experiences her parents treatment of her...

Everyone in your household us now running around trying to repair her .. Im sorry but it's a NO from me.

She sounds dangerously manipulative and controlling and I'd want her out of my Son's life.

She needs to access help herself, not depend on all of you to fix her. 🌸

TheoMeo · 01/06/2021 06:35

Thanks, she has issues with a bad upbringing and we will try and help

But you can't, you aren't equipped or trained for this.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 01/06/2021 14:56

Well we can advise? My son wants to be there for her so what can we do? My husband fully understands all this as he too has childhood trauma issues. I know my son cant be responsible for her but I can't tell him what to do, just let him know I'm here if he needs me.

Yes we are worried but at 20, I can only watch and advise and can offer limited help

OP posts:
Peach01 · 01/06/2021 15:05

You're being a good parent. Your sons asked for your help and you're helping him. All you can do is try. I don't think anyone would expect you to have all the answers. She's contacting her GP, they'll arrange the professional help.

Cas112 · 01/06/2021 15:25

OP you sound like a lovely woman! You don't have to be as understanding as you are but kudos to you! As long as your supportive of your son let him talk to you and you are understanding he's going to always know he can rely on you and trust you. This way he should always be open and honest with what's going on and know you will support and help him when needed! I like your approach some times we can fly off the handle and that wouldn't really help a situation like this especially when emotions are high, you are aware of the situation and you will know in your gut when its going to far and what to do from there.

Dontbeme · 01/06/2021 15:58

She also said to my son she sees me and my dh as parents as hers didnt care, she respects us and wants advice etc

That's all fine and dandy for now, but what happens if your son wants to split and move on from her? He now has the pressure of her thinking of you as parental role models to her (which I don't believe) as well as the pressure of her mental health that he feels responsible for. He has been backed into a very tight corner by this girl. If she cannot control her emotions due to past trauma she may benefit from DBT, but it will be long term and intensive therapy, not some hand holding and cosy chats. Has she contacted her GP yet, has she contacted any mental health charities for support? This is something she must do by herself for herself, not just the bare minimum to make it seem like she is making an effort to keep your son. I would be very wary here OP.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 01/06/2021 16:50

@Peach01

You're being a good parent. Your sons asked for your help and you're helping him. All you can do is try. I don't think anyone would expect you to have all the answers. She's contacting her GP, they'll arrange the professional help.
Thank you x
OP posts:
Original poster
Coldwine75 · 01/06/2021 16:50

@Cas112

OP you sound like a lovely woman! You don't have to be as understanding as you are but kudos to you! As long as your supportive of your son let him talk to you and you are understanding he's going to always know he can rely on you and trust you. This way he should always be open and honest with what's going on and know you will support and help him when needed! I like your approach some times we can fly off the handle and that wouldn't really help a situation like this especially when emotions are high, you are aware of the situation and you will know in your gut when its going to far and what to do from there.
Thank you xx
OP posts:
Original poster
Coldwine75 · 01/06/2021 16:52

For those saying she should be out of my son's life, maybe yes but what can I do about it atm? If i say this i push my son away, he is currently staying over at her house after this happened. I am trying to be there for him and let him know I am there to talk and offer advice, I dont know what else i can do , being a parent to a young adult is not easy, we can see their mistakes but they cant yet !

OP posts:
BlueDaises · 01/06/2021 17:11

It's enabling her behaviour you need to be conscious of OP.

Just be very aware that she IS manipulative, she's saying all the right things, but what do her actions say?

You can't control the relationship obviously, but you can determine what is appropriate behaviour in your and your Sons home.

It's not easy OP, but keep your personal boundaries. 🌺

billy1966 · 01/06/2021 20:49

@BlueDaises

Please read this OP.

You are so focused on trying to help your son' while she utterly plays you that YOUR boundaries are being decimated.

You need to take your emotion out of this and look at HER words and HER actions.

Your son needs you to be very observant and clever her.

Watch her behaviour very carefully.
Your son is in huge peril if you don't.

Worst case scenario is this clusterfxxk blows up and he spends years getting over it, wasting his early twenties...it happens.

Be very alert to him being totally manipulated.

Original poster
Coldwine75 · 01/06/2021 22:55

Oh im watching dont worry............

OP posts:
Original poster
Coldwine75 · 07/06/2021 20:14

Update - she has gone back to her house and ive not seen her for 5 days now, problem is ds has gone too and is staying there, sigh, so now I have no idea what's going on........

OP posts:
billy1966 · 07/06/2021 22:26

All you can do is text him regularly and check in, irrespective if he replies, and tell him his lovely room is waiting for him.
🤞

BlueButtercups · 07/06/2021 23:22

@Coldwine75

Update - she has gone back to her house and ive not seen her for 5 days now, problem is ds has gone too and is staying there, sigh, so now I have no idea what's going on........

Fingers crossed.. @Coldwine75

Hopefully your DS will come home soon 🌸

BlueDaises · 14/06/2021 00:48

@Coldwine75

How are you OP? have things calmer at all 🌷

New posts on this thread. Refresh page