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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry a lot about tiny age gap between children?

104 replies

Dolphinbluewave · 30/05/2021 17:04

I am 40, and have recently had a baby. Obviously, if we want a sibling for him, we can’t hang about.

But I am really worried about an age gap of less than two years. It feels like it would be so relentless and demanding - one baby is time consuming enough!

Is it really that bad?!

OP posts:
AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 01/06/2021 08:12

Where are you that 18 months would be a tiny age gap Confused

That's totally normal ime, no one I know would even remark on anything under 15 months and I'd even go so far as to say that all of my chidrens friends have siblings less than 2 years difference in age.

But, if you don't think you can manage that it's probably not a good idea for you. The fact that other people find it easy shouldn't be a factor in your decision at all, it would be crazy to set yourself up for a miserable life simply because strangers told you it would be fine.

Original poster
Dolphinbluewave · 01/06/2021 08:17

Why would where I am make a difference to my evident stupidity in thinking a toddler and baby would be hard work? Smile

OP posts:
Pinkylemons · 01/06/2021 08:18

I have a 14 month age gap between number 2 and number 3. I don’t think it’s any harder work than having a bigger age gap. Probably easier as my daughter was still a baby when number 3 was born. I think it would be harder to have a new born and a demanding 3 year old if I’m honest. I also have a disabled older child who was 6 when number 2 was born. It was a busy few years!

EmeraldShamrock · 01/06/2021 08:21

It can be brilliant. Most people I personally know are happy with the close gap once the toddler/newborn period passed.

Birthdaywhatshallido · 01/06/2021 08:21

Like most have said, short term hard (the second baby’s first year) - but long term good!

ChimneyPot · 01/06/2021 08:26

I had twins when my eldest was 22 months so 3 under 2.
In retrospect it was hard work but I loved it. People used to say “you have your hands full” when they would see me with a double buggy and a sling and my standard answer was always “amn’t I lucky”

I was also lucky in that I could afford help but it was essential because DH was working abroad. So I had a maternity nurse 2 nights a week so I got some sleep and a teenager who came for a few hours every afternoon.

Bed and Bath time on my own we’re stressful though.

TheMoth · 01/06/2021 08:50

It's hard, but you get it all done in the same time period. 4 years of nappies; 8 years of shit kid telly; 8 years of no sleep.

But you get to do bike rides and older films earlier. You get your life back earlier.

But mine are so different, it's like having 2 only children, so don't expect them to play together automatically.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/06/2021 08:50

There are 18 month between my dc. We didn't plan it that way, but it has turned out wonderfully. It was a slog in the early baby days, but they are very close, share a friendship group, are into the same things at the same time, occupy each other by playing together. I would fully recommend it!

Whyhello · 01/06/2021 08:55

21 months between mine. To begin with it was actually fairly easy because my baby was luckily the best behaved baby imaginable, so quiet and never really made a fuss.

Now he’s 10 months old and very active so coupled with my 2.5 year old running around constantly, I’m honestly rarely getting chance to sit down! I’m sure it will calm down again as they get older, they thankfully get on well which is part of the battle I’m sure.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 01/06/2021 11:15

@Dolphinbluewave

Why would where I am make a difference to my evident stupidity in thinking a toddler and baby would be hard work? Smile
Because it seems unusual that something that is the norm wherever I've lived would be considered a tiny age gap and particularly hard work.

I wondered if there might be cultural or geographical issues that mean that whenever you are parents wait for a longer time before having subsequent children and you haven't experienced this being routine.

I was trying not to assume that your experience was the same as mine but have obviously offended you so apologies for that.

Original poster
Dolphinbluewave · 01/06/2021 11:17

I’m not exactly offended, although I feel the Confused emoji was a bit unfortunate.

Whether other people do it or not is by the by. My personal preference would be for a gap of about 3-4 years but given my age that doesn’t seem wise. The age gap between my brother and myself is eighteen months and I know my own mother struggled, so I’d have preferred to avoid it really.

OP posts:
AlexaStop · 01/06/2021 14:15

I've tried to reply to this a few times but I have a 10mo and 23mo so it's been impossible!

13 month gap. It's so, so hard. Thankfully the youngest sleeps a bit better than the eldest. But fucking hell, every day is just nap rotations, stopping the older one from killing the younger one, feeding them food which they throw everywhere. Both go in opposite directions when out somewhere so I really struggle to be on my own in public with them.

People tell me it will get easier. It takes me all of my energy just to deal with them every day. I got a cleaner which has helped massively.

It's so tiring and I can't wait for these baby years to pass. I won't miss it at all. But I'm glad I'm doing it all at once to get this chaos over and done with in a blur.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 01/06/2021 21:56

14.5 months. I found it fine - at least my day was my own with no pre school or other commitments. Both were in terry nappies together for 17 months!

whatkatydid2013 · 01/06/2021 22:10

We have 2 years & 6 weeks between ours. I’ve always felt it was about perfect. We didn’t get our freedom back prior to having our second and they are best of friends most days

EmeraldShamrock · 02/06/2021 00:01

The age gap between my brother and myself is eighteen months and I know my own mother struggled, so I’d have preferred to avoid it really.
I had a 5.5 year gap and I struggled. You could have two placid babies or like me one placid and the other a screeching high needs velcro baby, it has taken another 5 years to except the shock.

AGirlsGotToDo · 02/06/2021 00:08

I have 13mths between my two. Honestly, it was bloody hard work and its paying off. It all seems to make sense now they're older. My husband and I used to think we were mad but we look at each other now as if we by choice decided to have two so close😎. Its amazing! Best thing we ever did.

AGirlsGotToDo · 02/06/2021 00:10

@AlexaStop

I've tried to reply to this a few times but I have a 10mo and 23mo so it's been impossible!

13 month gap. It's so, so hard. Thankfully the youngest sleeps a bit better than the eldest. But fucking hell, every day is just nap rotations, stopping the older one from killing the younger one, feeding them food which they throw everywhere. Both go in opposite directions when out somewhere so I really struggle to be on my own in public with them.

People tell me it will get easier. It takes me all of my energy just to deal with them every day. I got a cleaner which has helped massively.

It's so tiring and I can't wait for these baby years to pass. I won't miss it at all. But I'm glad I'm doing it all at once to get this chaos over and done with in a blur.

Same age gap here and honestly it does get better, I promise.
Mammyloveswine · 02/06/2021 00:11

23 month gap..was easy at first then hard..Now at 3 and 5 they play together...,

BonesJones · 02/06/2021 00:20

15 month gap here. It's BRILLIANT now they're older. Was hard when little. Also try to remember, if both still in nappies at the same time, which child you're changing. The newborn will fall down when you set it on its feet instead of toddling away 😂

MiddlesexGirl · 02/06/2021 00:24

17 month gap between my first two. Two year gaps to the next two. Four year gap to the last.
17 month gap was much the best and still is to be honest. They are definitely the most bonded. Maybe different because more followed but would not deliberately had a four year gap as it's a long time before they really get that sibling camaraderie.

AlexaStop · 02/06/2021 06:19

@AGirlsGotToDo Thanks I really hope so. Both have bad colds just now so I was up every hour with the youngest and then the eldest decided to wake for the day at 5.30. Just relentless isn't it.

Double teething was also an interesting time! I need to watch them constantly at the moment. Yesterday I heard the eldest saying 'yum yum yum' and saw he was putting chunks of play doh in the baby's mouth which she seemed to be munching away on happily.

Longdistance · 02/06/2021 06:26

My dds are 21 months apart. They are in Year 5 and 6, so one school year apart. They are like best friends, it’s great!

fruitsaladyummyummy · 02/06/2021 06:33

5 month old and 19 month old here. Hell on earth. Waiting for the point where they say it gets easier.

fruitsaladyummyummy · 02/06/2021 06:35

Although one positive would be that when I was vomiting my life away my eldest couldn't move so I didn't need to worry about what they were up to when my head was down the toilet (which was a lot).

Housechaos · 02/06/2021 06:43

My twins were 18 months old when my surprise 3rd was born. It was hard but I survived. It's lovely now, bar the arguments.