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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner or child's mum. Who's being unreasonable ?

89 replies

chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:18

Partner has 12 year old boy. Mum is RP.
Partner Lives 90 minutes away from him and sees him every weekend . His son doesn't want to travel to his dads anymore as he hates the journey and wants to stay home for sports/ friends activities so dad travels each weekend to spend the afternoon with him.
Dad explained to his son and mum that he will be away for a weekend in July so wouldn't see him that weekend but they will be going on holiday together the following week for a week.
Mum has just rang to ask if dad can have son for that weekend as she has a friends party and son needs minding .
He reminded her that he would be away and she went nuts . Insulting and hurtful.
It's our first weekend away together since lock down ended .
I offered for him to come along or to cancel. My partner said no, it's planned and he gave her notice . I'm torn.
Who is being unreasonable here ?
To add, she has family and friends who are very involved in sons life who could help out .

OP posts:
LIZS · 30/05/2021 09:19

She should arrange her own childcare

Restlessinthenorth · 30/05/2021 09:22

Don't be torn and don't put up with this kind of shit. You and your partner are entitled to a life and should not change your plans at the drop of a hat to suit the mother. You aren't babysitters. Draw a firm line in the sand here or it will only get worse

custardbear · 30/05/2021 09:27

I suspect she's meddling and causing grief unnecessarily - everyone can be a grown up here but she's second in line as you've booked first
Are there any grandparents who can step in?

Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:28

@custardbear yes there are

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 30/05/2021 09:32

surely its down to your partner to provide alternative childcare on his time. unless he will have his son at other times to let the mum do stuff.

DysmalRadius · 30/05/2021 09:34

Did he discuss the weekend before making arrangements or did he present it to his ex as a done deal?

3scape · 30/05/2021 09:36

What does the son want to do?

ineedaholidaynow · 30/05/2021 09:37

If it is normally your partner’s time then shouldn’t he be the one organising childcare?

However, if he only sees his son for an afternoon isn’t a 12yo old enough to be left alone for an afternoon.

Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:37

He discussed it with her . It's a new arrangement as his son has only recently decided he can't handle
The travel any more and wants to hang out with his mates. He offered to come
Down at an alternative time/ day.

OP posts:
Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:39

His mum wants the son to travel to his dad for the weekend as she has an event that she wants to attend and it will be a late night .

OP posts:
negomi90 · 30/05/2021 09:44

Is it his weekend? If he would have been expected to have him then, he needs to sort out childcare and not expect her to adapt to his plans.
If he should have been with her anyway then it her issue to sort out.

Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:48

Their son was due to be with his dad for a few hours in the afternoon on one of those days . She would like her son to go to his dads for the weekend as the party has come up.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 30/05/2021 09:48

As an aside has he increased the amount of maintenance he pays as he doesn’t see his son all weekend now?

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 09:50

Since his dad wouldn't normally be caring for the son during the weekend anyway I don't see her issue. If the son is fine with missing a weekend outing with his dad (especially since they'll be on holiday together the following week) then childcare issues are the mum's to sort out.

Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:54

I have no idea. I would never have thought of that as it isn't my business to ask . I do know that he pays £100/ week and all medical/ health expenses are shared as he has told Me in the past.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 30/05/2021 10:04

He hasn't done much parenting has he? Who moved 90 minutes away? It sounds as though the Mum's life is on hold, while your DP does what he wants. If that's what he's found 'hurtful and insulting' sometimes the truth hurts. If it's a genuine party, then I can see her pov. He should really be trying to get overnights again. His Son will need him more during the teenage years and he's showing that he isn't a priority.

DysmalRadius · 30/05/2021 10:09

When you say 'he discussed it with her' did her request come up as part of that discussion? Because it sounds like she is doing all the day to day care, reaponsibility and slog of having a child and won't even be getting the odd weekend off now.

Whereas your partner appears to have taken the recent change in arrangements (which inconvenience the mother significantly) as an opportunity to reduce contact further and remove any opportunity the mother had for a social life. Was the mother consulted before the weekend away was booked to check that she didn't have any plans? And has he had a weekend away with his son since the beginning of lockdown?

TeaAndBrie · 30/05/2021 10:18

As a NRP you get to pick and choose what you do, as a RP you life revolves around the child. The NRP doesn’t have the same responsibility or consideration for the child.

PicaK · 30/05/2021 10:22

I'd be very careful about making a judgement here as it all doesn't seem to add up.
The obvious solution your dp is presenting is that she's deliberately picked that weekend and has then gone inexplicably nuts when he won't do what she wants.
I'd like to hear her side
He's dropped the weekends so she's now a single parent all the time.
How does the son feel about going down to just a few hours? I know he asked not to travel - was he hoping his dad would be with him more down there? Has she been mopping up tears.
Did he actually tell her which weekend - or just mention in passing thinking about going away for a weekend in the summer.
He's not thought about changing his maintenance? I'm appalled.
And appalled he would just stop going and assume she would do the care on his days.
Also, is there any chance this party is a huge long standing event such as a wedding or funeral that he has known about for a long time?
I can see a few things that would irritate her in the above and lead to an explosion of exasperation.
However it should be easy to find a sleepover for him.

There's some digging to do.
I'd suggest that they write stuff down.
Does he really think a few hours each week is enough?

Bazoo23 · 30/05/2021 10:24

So the dad gets 6 and a half days free every week...and the mum gets an afternoon? So a couple of hours. And the one time she asks for more it's a no.

I can understand her frustration to be honest.

CagneyNYPD · 30/05/2021 10:25

The weekend in question is a red herring. Your DP has a 12 year old boy who he pops over to see for a couple of hours per week. Do you think this is OK?

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 10:26

To be fair £100 a week is very low maintenance. The mum is basically doing all the parenting and covering the majority of the expense. Having thought a little more about it I do wonder why he isn't doing more parenting, my kids see their uncles/aunts more than he sees his kid.

SD1978 · 30/05/2021 10:28

I'm afraid you guys were unreasonable to organise it the weekend of contact- you had two weekend you could have arranged it for, and he has instead done so when he is supposed to see his son. You e said his is a new change- what if he really misses spending time with dad and dies still want to come one weekend?

Wishitsnows · 30/05/2021 10:28

Are you not in the UK as for a child there are no medical expenses and to be honest if there were a father contributing for his sons medical expenses should be expected not highlighted to make him sound like he's a good dad.

LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 10:29

This is a tricky one. On the face of it she's being unreasonable as your weekend was booked in advance and DP gave her lots of notice, but on the other hand your DP does hardly any parenting so I can understand his ex feeling resentful and feeling that the one time she asks for help it's not forthcoming.

If you can easily change the date of the weekend away, I'd do that.