Page 4 | Partner or child's mum. Who's being unreasonable ?

chelsealadies · 2021-05-30T08:18:08+00:00

Partner has 12 year old boy. Mum is RP. Partner Lives 90 minutes away from him and sees him every weekend . His son doesn't want to travel to his dads anymore as he hates the journey and wants to stay home for sports/ friends activities so dad travels each weekend to spend the afternoon with him. Dad explained to his son and mum that he will be away for a weekend in July so wouldn't see him that weekend but they will be going on holiday together the following week for a week. Mum has just rang to ask if dad can have son for that weekend as she has a friends party and son needs minding . He reminded her that he would be away and she went nuts . Insulting and hurtful. It's our first weekend away together since lock down ended . I offered for him to come along or to cancel. My partner said no, it's planned and he gave her notice . I'm torn. Who is being unreasonable here ? To add, she has family and friends who are very involved in sons life who could help out .

toocold54 · 30/05/2021 14:26

To be fair £100 a week is very low maintenance.

£100 a week is low! That’s £400 a month!
Most RP get less than £100 a month

Campervanna · 30/05/2021 14:34

@PicaK I know I shouldn’t, but I had to laugh at your post.

“is there any chance this party is a huge long standing event such as a wedding or funeral that he has known about for a long time?” Really hope that the weekend in July isn’t for a long standing funeral!

Newmumatlast · 30/05/2021 14:46

Having read all of your posts, I dont think your partner is being unreasonable.

He used to do eow and because of son not wanting to leave home for that, he now travels every weekend to spend time with him. It sounds like this is what son wants and so is child focused.

The weekend away was agreed with mum some weeks ago. She should not have agreed if she wasnt ok with it. Just because something non urgent has now come up (a party isn't urgent) shouldn't mean plans are changed.

To those saying dad doesn't pay much, it is all relative. Depends what he earns.

To those asking about who moved and who may be negative as it was Dad - he did it because he was made redundant and needed work. Having work to pay towards his child is better than being local and not supporting him at all. 90min isn't that far. At one point we travelled 5hr each way to my SD.

Dad is doing the travelling. Thats fair as he is the one who moved (we did all the travelling and it wasn't my partner's choice at all that his child was moved (he came home one day and they had gone).

To those saying dad doesn't see son much and empathising with mum basically single parenting, I agree. 90min isn't long to travel and so a weekday trip wouldn't be much to ask aswell; however, it depends on circumstances and what son wants. We also have no idea how much dad does in terms of going to things etc. Its hard as ideally each parent would do 5050 and plenty non res would love to but it isnt always possible practically or financially. If it were me and my daughter tbh I would stay in a hotel eow so I could spend time with her and her be home but then if she wanted to hang out with mates and do stuff for large chunks of the weekend (which seems to be the case here not just that son doesn't want to travel) there isn't any point. It is easier when kids are young. When they're older many do want to see their mates. We always told SD it was her choice as she got older. She generally stuck to our usual weekends though - however would cancel or change weekends for plans and that was cool as contact was for her benefit as the focus

funinthesun19 · 30/05/2021 17:07

To be fair £100 a week is very low maintenance.

How much would be acceptable then?
£100 for 1 child per week sounds like a lot in my opinion.

LannieDuck · 30/05/2021 18:05

I think your DH should arrange childcare.

It's debatable whether it's his responsibility or his ex's, but she does almost everything else for his son - dentist appointments, haircuts, drop-offs/pick-ups from school, taking time off work when he's sick etc etc.

At a guess, I would say that your DH has needed to organise

Ideasplease322 · 30/05/2021 19:08

The weekend away was agreed with mum some weeks ago. She should not have agreed if she wasnt ok with it. Just because something non urgent has now come up (a party isn't urgent) shouldn't mean plans are changed.

I am struck by how unfair and sexist this is. If mum wants to go out during the week I assume she doesn’t expect dad to arrange childcare. But dad isn’t available to cover her hours so it has to be up to mum again to arrange childcare.

This bloke really needs to step up and do just a little bit of parenting

Scottishskifun · 30/05/2021 19:14

The mum is being unreasonable.

She agreed weeks ago with the dad about the weekend away, she can't then throw a strop because she wants to attend a party the same weekend!

If she hadn't agreed then of course would be him being the unreasonable one but that's not the case!

Loopylobes · 30/05/2021 23:13

I am struck by how unfair and sexist this is. If mum wants to go out during the week I assume she doesn’t expect dad to arrange childcare. But dad isn’t available to cover her hours so it has to be up to mum again to arrange childcare.

Not sexist at all.

One parent asked the other parent to cover the time they usually had contact. The second parent agreed and then wanted to renege on the agreement because a party invitation came up.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 31/05/2021 01:19

Why would he organise something on the only day a week that he sees his child for a few hours.

melj1213 · 31/05/2021 01:49

Why would he organise something on the only day a week that he sees his child for a few hours.

Perhaps because he sees his son EVERY weekend and just once might want to go away for a weekend with the OP? As much as NRP might want to see their children it shouldn't mean he can never, ever make weekend plans again.

With an EOW arrangement it is easy to sort things for the child free weekends but the OPs partner doesn't have this option because he is trying to do what is best for his child by seeing him every weekend.

I have 50/50 custody with DDs dad, she spends every other week with me so it's fairly easy to schedule trips/appointments/parties etc for my "child free" week, but sometimes things will come up that fall on the weeks that I have DD and they can't be moved.

If I had already arranged for DD to spend extra time at her dad's so I could go to a booked and paid for event and her dad suddenly changed his mind then it would be his responsibility to cover childcare - I covered my childcare by asking him (and if he had said no/wasn't available then I would have had the opportunity to ask someone else like my parents/siblings or arrange a sleepover etc) so now the responsibility to find childcare for that time is his.

melj1213 · 31/05/2021 01:56

I am struck by how unfair and sexist this is. If mum wants to go out during the week I assume she doesn’t expect dad to arrange childcare. But dad isn’t available to cover her hours so it has to be up to mum again to arrange childcare.

These are not comparable scenarios.

Why would the mum expect the dad to arrange childcare during a time when she is responsible for the child?

If DD is at her dad's then it is his responsibility to make childcare arrangements for DD that week, just as it is mine when she is with me. If I want to go to book club every week then I would not be expecting my exDH to be organising my babysitter - that's my responsibility.

The only time I would be expecting exDH to organise a babysitter for my book club is if I had asked him to have DD that night and only after agreeing he decided he wanted to go out to the pub with his mates ... I covered my childcare by asking exDH, now he has to cover his childcare by asking someone else so he can go out too or missing out on his night out due to the commitment he already made.

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2021 08:08

@melj1213

I am struck by how unfair and sexist this is. If mum wants to go out during the week I assume she doesn’t expect dad to arrange childcare. But dad isn’t available to cover her hours so it has to be up to mum again to arrange childcare.

These are not comparable scenarios.

Why would the mum expect the dad to arrange childcare during a time when she is responsible for the child?

If DD is at her dad's then it is his responsibility to make childcare arrangements for DD that week, just as it is mine when she is with me. If I want to go to book club every week then I would not be expecting my exDH to be organising my babysitter - that's my responsibility.

The only time I would be expecting exDH to organise a babysitter for my book club is if I had asked him to have DD that night and only after agreeing he decided he wanted to go out to the pub with his mates ... I covered my childcare by asking exDH, now he has to cover his childcare by asking someone else so he can go out too or missing out on his night out due to the commitment he already made.

This is fine but we have a much more imbalanced situation here. It’s not ‘at his dads that week’, it’s with his dad for those couple of hours. I appreciate the complication of needing a job but residential parents don’t have the option of taking a job 90 mins away unless they commute or move the family. So many more choices for non residential parents, many of which don’t prioritise parenting.

Weepingwillows12 · 31/05/2021 08:18

If it was pre agreed (properly not just a passing comment) then she is being unreasonable as effectively the dad did sort childcare (resident parent). However if coparenting is generally good then is there any other solution? Can the dad find alternative childcare such as grandparents or sleepover with kids friends?

LemonTT · 31/05/2021 08:58

The father caused this situation by moving away from his child. He had other choices. Parents in his situation commute. Some far, far greater distances.

His life should revolve around his child. No matter how inconvenient that is. He should be doing far more parenting and giving the mother more free time to have a life.

The disgrace here isn’t that the OP’s weekend comes with a bit of aggravation. It’s that her partner isn’t being a good enough father. And money doesn’t make up for that nor does a few hours at the weekend.

Of course the mother is being petty. But her frustration at seeing her son grow up without a father in his life would drive such behaviour. That she’s pushed back is understandable. The OP should save her criticism for her partner.