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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner or child's mum. Who's being unreasonable ?

89 replies

chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:18

Partner has 12 year old boy. Mum is RP.
Partner Lives 90 minutes away from him and sees him every weekend . His son doesn't want to travel to his dads anymore as he hates the journey and wants to stay home for sports/ friends activities so dad travels each weekend to spend the afternoon with him.
Dad explained to his son and mum that he will be away for a weekend in July so wouldn't see him that weekend but they will be going on holiday together the following week for a week.
Mum has just rang to ask if dad can have son for that weekend as she has a friends party and son needs minding .
He reminded her that he would be away and she went nuts . Insulting and hurtful.
It's our first weekend away together since lock down ended .
I offered for him to come along or to cancel. My partner said no, it's planned and he gave her notice . I'm torn.
Who is being unreasonable here ?
To add, she has family and friends who are very involved in sons life who could help out .

OP posts:
Imapotato · 30/05/2021 10:31

I think it’s reasonable to want a weekend away, yours was booked before she mentioned the party, so I don’t think you should have to cancel, especially as you are taking him away the following week.

That said, is everyone happy with the current arrangement of one afternoon a week? It doesn’t seem like much, but I know that as kids get older they’d rather be around to spend time with their friends. Do you have him to stay for longer periods over the holidays etc?

RealhousewifeofStoke · 30/05/2021 10:32

He sees his kid for a few hours each week, and then feels hard done by when he’s asked to actually do some parenting?
Why do women even have to ask if these deadbeat dads are being ‘reasonable’ ?

PanamaPattie · 30/05/2021 10:32

The child’s mother is being unreasonable. She knew the father wasn’t available that weekend and yet she still asked for overnight childcare.

Onlinedilema · 30/05/2021 10:36

So the father never, ever had his child overnight.
You say it's the first chance you have had to go away together but yet he doesn't look after his child overnight hmm not the mum's fault then is it.
At the end of the day I'm guessing mum will have to sort it out.

Onlinedilema · 30/05/2021 10:37

Has not had.

SympathyFatigue · 30/05/2021 10:38

Yes I'd need more info.
Who moved 90 mins away?
1 afternoon a week child rearing isn't impressive. Gives mum zero time to do anything.
It does sound like he's ok with only 1 afternoon and gets to live a carefree life.
Does he spend time in holidays with his son? Will he be taking him for a week here and there so her mum gets a break?

Spandang · 30/05/2021 10:43

When son said he no longer wanted to travel to Dad, and Dad said fine I’ll come and see you in the afternoon - was Mum asked if that was acceptable to her too?

Poptart4 · 30/05/2021 10:48

Is she usually difficult or do you generally get on? Just wondering if she's purposely trying to be difficult by picking that weekend to ask for help or if she genuinely needs a break. The fact that she has family who could help makes me think she's just trying to ruin your plans. In which case do not let her.

Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 10:48

Thanks.
Both did and mum were really
Upset that son didn't want to leave his friends and travel to the other city eow which was original arrangement .
But they understood so instead of eow dad now travels to see son and spend
Time with him every weekend .
The weekend in July was organised and agreed by mum and dad some weeks ago. There was no issue . A party has come
Up , mum wants son to go overnight, son doesn't want to travel in any case and dads weekend has been organised , agreed upon and booked .
He has his son for three weeks holidays per year.

OP posts:
Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 10:54

No she isn't difficult. I like her and think she is a wonderful mum and he generally
Ok reasonable . Dad and mum
Get on well but I have been privy to some rants on her behalf about a wrong coat being worn to an event, too much walking at a weekend, screening the sons on line activity when away from her but I understand why she is so protective .
Yes she has a large network of
Family around her and prefers her family to mind him rather than his dads .
I could be completely incorrect here but at times I think she is torn between wanting the son to herself
All the time and the son going to his dads . She finds it difficult to relinquish control when he is with dad eg what he eats, where he goes, what he wears, his bed time etc.

OP posts:
Ideasplease322 · 30/05/2021 10:59

@LIZS

She should arrange her own childcare
They are both parents. Why can’t the dad arrange the childcare.

Yes he should still go away, but why is it up to mum?

Spandang · 30/05/2021 11:00

I can understand her frustration. But if it was agreed in advance there’s little she can say about it.

But as an aside I think your partner needs to remember he is the adult. My step kids want to play PlayStation all day with his mates but we’re the adults and that’s not on.

I do think he should be pushing for more contact. Otherwise what’s the point, he’s not really being a Dad. He’s missing out on so much.

I can’t imagine having a child I saw one afternoon every other weekend. And I can’t imagine being with someone who thinks that’s okay.

And I imagine that’s where Mum is coming from. I’ve no doubt she’s frustrated that Dad just doesn’t seem to want his son. And in the meantime she’s being good cop, bad cop and everything in between and she gets no respite from that. Whereas Dad’s just...gone yeah right son you do everything your way that’s fine. He’s not making the hard and difficult choices he’s just, having a nice afternoon out every other weekend.

BungleandGeorge · 30/05/2021 11:01

Perhaps the mum still sees the weekends as Dad’s contact time and she’s doing him a favour in stepping in every weekend and doing extra? I’m really not sure it’s very fair of the Dad to have no overnights whatsoever apart from the 3 weeks holidays. Presumably if he’s only taking 3 weeks off work with his child he could book time during the week to go away with you? It sounds very much like your weekend away and the whole situation isn’t clear between them?

Ideasplease322 · 30/05/2021 11:02

Also one afternoon a week is not parenting, you husband needs to find a away to be a more involved dad.

Did he move away or did she? It’s a huge distance for a child.

This weekend is a red herring, I think the mum is kicking off becoase everything falls to her. She is a single parent. He isn’t close enough to help out with anything.

CanofCant · 30/05/2021 11:06

Maybe it's not that she finds it hard to relinquish control, but that he doesn't equip his child as well as she does and she sees it as another symptom of his apathy towards his child. I can understand how that would annoy her.

Also, it's interesting how you are willing to accommodate your partner's son on your trip but he has refused.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/05/2021 11:07

He’s 12. She didn’t need to agree he’d stop going to his dad’s for proper overnight contact EOW. Given his age the dad had no way of maintaining the existing contact pattern without her support so is stuck with a crappy afternoon a week.

As she did agree to it it must have suited her for some reason - no doubt so she can indulge in control freakery - so now she’s after overnight childcare she’s stuck isn’t she.

If she’d prioritised his relationship with his dad she’d be getting a couple of nights off a fortnight. But she didn’t. So tough shit on this July weekend when he already has plans.

notapizzaeater · 30/05/2021 11:08

Is it somewhere the son would like to go, you've offered for them to come so I think your DH is being unreasonable tbh.

Spandang · 30/05/2021 11:09

She finds it difficult to relinquish control when he is with dad eg what he eats, where he goes, what he wears, his bed time etc.

Yeah but when you’re a resident parent here’s what you get:
Why do I have to brush my teeth at night I don’t at dad’s.
Why can’t I stay up until 1am, I do at Dad’s
Why can’t I have chocolate for breakfast, I do at Dad’s.

You are always the bad person because Dad is a Disney Dad. While someone else does all the hard part and gets all the grief. And at the end of visiting Dad your kid is high on sugar, knackered, and refusing to go to bed the night before school.

BungleandGeorge · 30/05/2021 11:18

I expect both Mum and Dad agreed to this contact pattern (despite neither wanting it as in op post) as they love their son and he himself has requested it 🙄
I do think it’s a valid point that 12 year olds can’t always have everything they want and perhaps they need to find a better compromise. Which day is Dad seeing him in the afternoon? Perhaps Dad could have him that night and return him the next morning

MiddlesexGirl · 30/05/2021 11:21

It is true that both parents could have put their feet down regarding the eow at dad's arrangement but that would have been to DS's detriment as presumably he wants to continue with his sports and his friendship arrangements.
But having come to this new arrangement which sounds rather less convenient for the Dad, not more, and then having agreed the weekend off and the week's holiday, it's really on the mum to sort out childcare if she then has new plans.
Presumably the DC still wants to be at home so he can carry on with the sport so even if the Dad could arrange some childcare it wouldn't suit the DC?
So all in all, having put the DC first at all times, then really it falls to Mum to arrange childcare

PS. £100 a week sounds quite reasonable for one child.

Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 11:23

I amRP for my children so I understand
All of this .
The difference with us is that my partner is very upset that his son has started to pull away and ask his son and mum all the time to spend more time with him.
My ex has zero interest in spending decent
Time with his kids and avoids it at any opportunity. His partner comes first .

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 30/05/2021 11:23

@InTheDrunkTank

To be fair £100 a week is very low maintenance. The mum is basically doing all the parenting and covering the majority of the expense. Having thought a little more about it I do wonder why he isn't doing more parenting, my kids see their uncles/aunts more than he sees his kid.
It's not low at all.
Original poster
chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 11:24

Dad sees him every Saturday afternoon. Son does not want sleepover or travel .

OP posts:
LeafBeetle · 30/05/2021 11:28

The new arrangement sounds less convenient for both mum and dad if you ask me. Dad gets less time with his son and mum gets very little break. I understand they both did it for the son's benefit, but I don't think it being 'less convenient for dad' should be used as an argument for mum having to sort out this current issue.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/05/2021 11:31

Your DP is not being unreasonable. It was agreed in advance. End of.