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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner or child's mum. Who's being unreasonable ?

89 replies

chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 09:18

Partner has 12 year old boy. Mum is RP.
Partner Lives 90 minutes away from him and sees him every weekend . His son doesn't want to travel to his dads anymore as he hates the journey and wants to stay home for sports/ friends activities so dad travels each weekend to spend the afternoon with him.
Dad explained to his son and mum that he will be away for a weekend in July so wouldn't see him that weekend but they will be going on holiday together the following week for a week.
Mum has just rang to ask if dad can have son for that weekend as she has a friends party and son needs minding .
He reminded her that he would be away and she went nuts . Insulting and hurtful.
It's our first weekend away together since lock down ended .
I offered for him to come along or to cancel. My partner said no, it's planned and he gave her notice . I'm torn.
Who is being unreasonable here ?
To add, she has family and friends who are very involved in sons life who could help out .

OP posts:

Ideasplease322 · 30/05/2021 11:38

@chelsealadies

Dad sees him every Saturday afternoon. Son does not want sleepover or travel .

There is clearly more to this story. Why does the child want to spend so little time with his dad? Why does dad live so far away?

I see my nephews more often than this man sees his son.

Could you move to be closer to the child? If he doesn’t repair he relationship now it will be too late. He is only 12 - the dad needs to push to be in his life.

It must hurt, seeing his spend all this time with your children.

MzHz · 30/05/2021 12:04

The ds needs to see if he can go on sleepover at a mates that weekend

cupsofcoffee · 30/05/2021 12:07

Who moved, your DP or his ex?

Imapotato · 30/05/2021 12:12

@InTheDrunkTank

To be fair £100 a week is very low maintenance. The mum is basically doing all the parenting and covering the majority of the expense. Having thought a little more about it I do wonder why he isn't doing more parenting, my kids see their uncles/aunts more than he sees his kid.

In what world is £100 per week low maintenance? Oh yeah, the MN bubble where everyone earns £100k plus a year. £100 per week is very reasonable for most people.

Original poster

chelsealadies · 30/05/2021 12:16

My partner moved for work becoming redundant and no local
Options .

OP posts:

DysmalRadius · 30/05/2021 12:17

OK, so it sounds like it's just really bad luck that his mother has been given the opportunity to go out on the one weekend that had been agreed your partner wouldn't be around. That is unfortunate and I think the mother has been a bit unreasonable in that case, but I can see her frustration. Effectively, hd asked her to provide childcare on a weekend that he needed it. She agreed, which was very kind, but is now in a position whereby doing him a favour means missing out on a night out with her friends. And she's probably realising that this was her last chance since she won't be having any free nights for the foreseeable future under the new arrangements. As PPs have said, perhaps the new contract arrangements aren't sustainable.

Loopylobes · 30/05/2021 12:17

Your partner spends every Saturday afternoon with his son. He probably spends more one on one time with him than a lot of resident parents and the arrangement is led by the child's wishes so their relationship is unlikely to suffer.

He's a 12 year old who likes to be out with his mates. His mother isn't likely to be that desperate for a break from caring from him. If she just wants a break, she could ask for any other weekend and both parents can insist that their son travels to his father's house whether he wants to or not.

Maybe she has other stressors in her life and she just lost it when her party plans couldn't happen the way she wanted. Maybe she's asked the people who would usually babysit and they aren't available either.

Your DP isn't being unreasonable to stick to plans that have been in place for weeks before her party came up. He just needs to make it clear that he's still happy to bring his son home for weekends if that's what the son or the ex would like to happen.

I think I'd put this down to a bad day and not mention it again.

RealhousewifeofStoke · 30/05/2021 13:33

@chelsealadies

My partner moved for work becoming redundant and no local Options .

What does he do?

InTheDrunkTank · 30/05/2021 13:37

@Imapotato £100 a week is a small fraction of the cost the mum is paying out to feed, clothe, house and keep the kid warm, cover their travel expenses etc. If they're both on low incomes then the mum will be spending a huge portion of her income raising her child while the dad will be parting with a fraction of his. So yes it's a small amount. The mum is doing all the parenting and covering the vast majority of the cost.

JustLyra · 30/05/2021 13:41

@chelsealadies

Dad sees him every Saturday afternoon. Son does not want sleepover or travel .

Rather than travel every week he’d likely be better getting a cheap hotel or B&B every other week and spending more than a couple of hours with his DS.

Especially as it’s unlikely the kid is going to want to spend every Saturday with his dad for long

YetAnotherSpartacus · 30/05/2021 13:41

What does he do?

REALLY?????

funinthesun19 · 30/05/2021 13:41

It was arranged in advance so he’s not unreasonable.
When I was with my ex, he and and his ex wife used to change contact to fit around stuff like this to suit themselves. It was fine.

I’m sure if your dp’s ex wants to arrange something on her weekend she will be expecting your dp to accommodate for her. And I’m also sure that if he agreed and then went back on his word she would be mightily pissed off.

I think his son needs to accept that sometimes he will need to travel up to see his dad. If he did, could he maybe stay with grandparents or someone else while you go away?

MiddlesexGirl · 30/05/2021 13:48

Especially as it’s unlikely the kid is going to want to spend every Saturday with his dad for long

If it's some kind of sporting arrangement it's quite common for parents to be supporting their kids from the touchline or whatever right up until they leave school.

Stompythedinosaur · 30/05/2021 13:51

If your partner can't make one the few weekends where he is normally responsible for his ds and his mum isn't available then I think the responsibility is on your partner to arrange childcare.

Why on earth didn't you book your weekend away for the weekend he is with his mum? It does sound a bit like you think she's the "main" parent who needs to plan around their ds while you remain free to make any plans.

When his ds started not wanting to come to his dad, did you check whether his mum was happy to increase the already disproportiaye amount of childcare she does? Or did you just assume if was OK to leave him with her? I'm wondering if she is fed up because of previous issues.

Ideasplease322 · 30/05/2021 13:51

Could your husband arrange for childcare? Why is up to the mother to arrange it? It does seem unfair. Your husband is responsible for his child for only a few hours a week. Okay - he has other plans - but most parents arrange for their own childcare. I am sure the mum has to arrange childcare all the time during her hours - bow she has to arrange it during your husbands hours too?

I do think your husband could step up a little here?

JustLyra · 30/05/2021 13:55

@MiddlesexGirl

Especially as it’s unlikely the kid is going to want to spend every Saturday with his dad for long

If it's some kind of sporting arrangement it's quite common for parents to be supporting their kids from the touchline or whatever right up until they leave school.

If it was sporting related then the OP would, I assume, have mentioned it as one of the reasons for the child not wanting to stay at the dads EOW. Only spending time with friends was mentioned.

MiddlesexGirl · 30/05/2021 13:58

The DP sees the DC every weekend now not every other weekend so there is no weekend off.

The weekend away they are going on was arranged in advance in consultation with the mother. Yes the DP could arrange the childcare but the DC will be unlikely to want to spend the weekend with childcare organised by the DP as that will likely mean they miss their sport or friend time whereas childcare arranged by the mum will be more likely to accommodate this.

MiddlesexGirl · 30/05/2021 13:59

@JustLyra From OP
His son doesn't want to travel to his dads anymore as he hates the journey and wants to stay home for sports/ friends activities

socalledfriend · 30/05/2021 14:00

I have seen this quite often where children get to an age where they don't want to spend weekends at their NRP because they then miss out on sports/clubs/other regular hobbies and commitments. It's fine if the NRP lives nearby but when they don't it does usually mean the NRP has less contact

As your partner and his ex agreed that this one weekend, he would not be seeing DS, I don't think he is BU. There was no expectation that he would be staying over, just that DP would visit him the Saturday afternoon. So the request for a sleepover (which DS doesn't want anyway) is new, and DP has said he can't because he will be away that weekend. In this situation I do think it is down to the mother to arrange childcare for DS in line with social arrangements she has made, knowing DP will be away that weekend.

DoTheNextRightThing · 30/05/2021 14:08

@Stompythedinosaur how many times does OP have to say that her DH sees his son every weekend? There is no alternative weekend where he’s win his mum.

DoTheNextRightThing · 30/05/2021 14:12

Exactly. I was one of those kids. My parents split when I was 13 and I never stayed over at my Dad's unless there was a specific reason. I had a life at home. My dad lived miles away. The way I saw it, my home was my home. It wasn't my fault my dad didn’t live in it.

Aprilx · 30/05/2021 14:14

@Stompythedinosaur

Why on earth didn’t you book your weekend away for the weekend he is with his mother?

You have misread the thread, I will recap. The son is with his mother every weekend. The father only sees his son for a few hours every Saturday. But there is a Saturday coming up when he can’t spend a few hours with his son because he is going away with OP.

The mum has now had a party invitation for the same Saturday and wants the father to take him for the weekend, even though he doesn’t normally.

OP, I would have thought a father would jump at the opportunity to have his son for the weekend considering he normally see him for three hours a week. No matter how inconvenient it may be.

timeisnotaline · 30/05/2021 14:15

I wouldn’t be torn about that particular weekend but I’d also expect him to book a cheap hotel every couple of weeks and spend a lot more time with his son. I’d ask the mum to encourage ds to travel to his dads say once a month too, say it would make it easier for her to have time off. These are things I would do as the dad not you obviously- basically put more effort in and not just giving up on the idea of ds visiting either.

motogogo · 30/05/2021 14:21

It sounds like she had forgotten about him being away, she's been invited to something. What they needed to do is compromise or find a different solution. I wouldn't be surprised (because it's happened to me) that your dp just told her he couldn't have him mid July and didn't specify (my ex is always vague)

toocold54 · 30/05/2021 14:25

Mum is definitely BU as she was already told about your plans.
I don’t get how son doesn’t want to stay at dads normally but for that one weekend it’s ok?
Either he takes son with him or says he can’t have him.

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