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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Long-term unemployed, still at home man=awful partner. AIBU?

79 replies

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:18

Hi, my sister-30, extremely hard- working single mother, has started seeing a 35-year-old man who - apart from an odd summer job while at uni before he dropped out - has never really worked.
His mother moved down to our area when he was early twenties and in relationship with older woman. That ended and he followed his mom here.
Now I know people live at home longer these days but BOTH long term unemployment AND living at home at his age is a major, major red flag for me.
Now imo this man-nice though he is-is a waste of space as a partner. My sister thinks I'm wrong.
He may be mentally ill (in which case he needs help) or just plain lazy either way, not good.
It's up to her of course but nevertheless I don't think I'm wrong about this.
AIBU?

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2021 10:32

He might or might not make her a good partner. Either way its her choice and her mistakes to make. Settling down with her could be the pivotal point in turning himself around, or it could be a nightmare for her. She obviously regards him enough to take a chance on him so your job as her sister is to give him a chance and provide a shoulder to cry on if it goes wrong.

Mandsy100 · 29/05/2021 10:34

I do agree with you but it's your sister's choice. I would question her judgement more because as a parent herself, why would she have a partner like this around her child.

Original poster
Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:42

Obviously it's her choice. I just want others opinion as to whether or not I'm being unreasonable. At 35, I think he's unlikely to change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:44

I don't think he's a bad sort of guy or that he's violent or any threat to her or my niece but he'd be like another child to look after.

OP posts:
BoomChicka · 29/05/2021 10:46

That would be a dealbreaker for me! A man living at home, working and saving for a house - fine. Living off mummy at 35 - not fine.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2021 10:46

What has she said to suggest he's a waste of space as a partner?

Ponoka7 · 29/05/2021 10:46

Perhaps she knows details about his mental health that you don't. I'd back off and slowly get more information. If he isn't abusive in anyway then there's no immediate action needed.

Treacletoots · 29/05/2021 10:46

How bizarre. Why anybody would actively want to date a cocklodger is beyond me. I once lived next door to a couple, or rather elderly woman and her also elderly son. He'd never worked a day in his life. How depressing. I totally agree. He's not going to change.

Original poster
Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:48

Yeah it's living at home AND long-term unemployed. Saving for house with clear goal in sight not same thing at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:50

It's nothing she's said that makes me think he's a waste of space as a partner, it's his circumstance that speaks for itself.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 29/05/2021 10:50

Has your sister hinted that she wants a long term relationship with him, or that he'd ever move in?

QioiioiioQ · 29/05/2021 10:52

I don't think this leopard will change his spots, he only moves from mummy to sugar mummy

LividBlabber · 29/05/2021 10:54

Your sister needs more self-worth.

3Britnee · 29/05/2021 10:54

It's none of your business.

Briarshollow · 29/05/2021 10:55

Ugh. What a monumental turn off. He’ll move out of mummy’s and into your sister’s home, seeing her as his replacement mummy with the added benefit of getting his beans 🤮

Meowchickameowmeow · 29/05/2021 10:55

He may be mentally ill

What makes you say that? It seems a bit of a leap to make if you don't know him and judging only by the fact he still lives with his mum.

Original poster
Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:57

She's besotted by him. She's worked so hard to build a nice home for her and her child and studied really hard to get a good job.
His history suggests to me that he needs an older woman (by 'older' I don't just mean chronological age-I mean more experienced/together) to take care him.

I feel he's a non-malevolent cocklodger in waiting.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2021 10:57

@Treacletoots

How bizarre. Why anybody would actively want to date a cocklodger is beyond me. I once lived next door to a couple, or rather elderly woman and her also elderly son. He'd never worked a day in his life. How depressing. I totally agree. He's not going to change.
Well he's living at hom with his Mom so surely not a cocklodger?

Is he a carer for his Mom unofficially?

Maybe he's just got a huge and talented penis and she's enjoying the sex. If she's not talking about him moving in, just let her enjoy it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/05/2021 10:58

Is your sister desperate for a partner? Does she feel a need to mend broken people? Its very unhealthy.
I stopped doing both years ago and now will only date men who I think will actively contribute to my lifestyle. I know I can do better than unemployed layabouts still living with mummy.
If I was her I'd put that energy into a career of some sort.

Original poster
Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:59

It's not just that he lives with his mum. It's that he's ALSO never had a job! I did make an absolute effort to be clear about this in opening post.

OP posts:
Tickledtrout · 29/05/2021 11:02

You're right, OP

Mabelface · 29/05/2021 11:02

My partner is unemployed and lives with his parents. He's 41. I have no plans for us to live together and we have a lovely relationship. It can work.

SympathyFatigue · 29/05/2021 11:07

It's not ideal is is.
He's old enough to have worked.
I don't know why people with children would see a person who they don't know with perhaps a mental illness, no job, no house and think 'oh he doesn't beat me' and think that's great. The bar needs setting higher especially if you have kids. Will he move in and just loaf about?

BrilliantBetty · 29/05/2021 11:11

YANBU. It's a shame her standards are so low!!!
He sounds deeply unattractive.

It will be a shame to expose the child to this sort of lifestyle too. It's a negative influence.

DoubleTweenQueen · 29/05/2021 11:12

At 35? Zero drive to do something interesting with his life, be independent; just goes with the flow?
What's there to like/admire/respect?
I don't get it.
YANBU