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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Long-term unemployed, still at home man=awful partner. AIBU?

79 replies

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:18

Hi, my sister-30, extremely hard- working single mother, has started seeing a 35-year-old man who - apart from an odd summer job while at uni before he dropped out - has never really worked.
His mother moved down to our area when he was early twenties and in relationship with older woman. That ended and he followed his mom here.
Now I know people live at home longer these days but BOTH long term unemployment AND living at home at his age is a major, major red flag for me.
Now imo this man-nice though he is-is a waste of space as a partner. My sister thinks I'm wrong.
He may be mentally ill (in which case he needs help) or just plain lazy either way, not good.
It's up to her of course but nevertheless I don't think I'm wrong about this.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 11:13

I'm pretty sure if he moves in he'll loaf about.
The reason I'm asking this question is that his mother has met a man and although she's probably wanted him out for a while, this meeting a new man has made her up the ante and she's really putting pressure on him to move out.
Not that I blame her for wanting her 3O - something son to move out, of course.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 29/05/2021 11:18

I would want someone who is an equal partner with me in a relationship and has the same ambitions and goals as I do. It would be definite no for me, but I suppose it's ultimately your sister's choice. You can respect it, but still think she's being a fool.

notanothertakeaway · 29/05/2021 11:18

He doesn't sound like a great at h, but harmless, so i don't think you should get imvolved

VodselForDinner · 29/05/2021 11:18

Men like this seem to make a beeline for single mums.

SympathyFatigue · 29/05/2021 11:19

@Miikesnow

I'm pretty sure if he moves in he'll loaf about. The reason I'm asking this question is that his mother has met a man and although she's probably wanted him out for a while, this meeting a new man has made her up the ante and she's really putting pressure on him to move out. Not that I blame her for wanting her 3O - something son to move out, of course.

What's his plan then? Leave home and move in with your sister? He needs to move out on his own first. Learn to function. Get the old life skills up then reassess.

I'm with you op. I'd be saying to my sister 'this is weird'

SympathyFatigue · 29/05/2021 11:20

@VodselForDinner

Men like this seem to make a beeline for single mums.

Yeah I agree. Like they must be desperate or just happy to have anyone. Which is obviously not the case.

DoubleTweenQueen · 29/05/2021 11:20

Your sister must not feel pressured into taking him in! That's not a healthy relationship situation. He needs to get his own place.
I can appreciate your protectiveness of your dsis.

maddiemookins16mum · 29/05/2021 11:21

There’s no reason to be long term unemployed, none at all.

MilduraS · 29/05/2021 11:23

The long term unemployment would turn me off. I don't care what job a man has, as long as he has one.

Branleuse · 29/05/2021 11:26

its up to her. Some people can be really bad with working, but are really supportive emotionally or really interesting or creative etc.

I doubt it would be a good idea to set up home with this guy, but as long as shes not deluding herself about his prospects then I think its up to her who she dates

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 11:29

I don't think he has a plan. He's a human jellyfish that takes the path of least resistance.
It's simple really, if the discomfort of living at home gets too much he'll be angling to move in with my sister and her besotted arms.
His mother has tried to get him to do stuff. He was supposed to do a course and asked my sister if he could just sit in her house during the day while he pretended he was on it.
Covid struck and course cancelled so sister never got chance to make decision on that one.
Coming to think of it, I think he's mentally ill to even consider lying to his mother like that. Or just genuinely bone-crushingly idle.

OP posts:

Antiqueanniesmagiclanternshow · 29/05/2021 11:29

How can a 35 year old ha ve NEVER had a job, unless they have a disability which prevents them from working?

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 11:34

Well maybe he's got some kind of mental disability. Sad for him and hope he gets help. Don't want him anywhere near my sister, though.
Maybe if he recovers from his illness and becomes independent well come back then.

OP posts:

DoubleTweenQueen · 29/05/2021 11:37

Not gonna happen at 35!

QioiioiioQ · 29/05/2021 11:39

Hopefully she will come to her senses while she can still back out!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/05/2021 11:41

Living at home wouldn’t bother me, many do it to save, like the convenience for work, want the company etc.

Not working would bother me though. I’d never want a partner who didn’t work and pay their way in life.

QioiioiioQ · 29/05/2021 11:42

@VodselForDinner

Men like this seem to make a beeline for single mums.

Of course they do, they specialise in manipulating mothers, having spent all their lives manipulating their own mother they understand the dynamic very well. The fact that a woman has children can make her easy to manipulate, all he has to do do is make an effort to get on well with the children and she will tend to warm to him, as a unit they are easy to groom.

RonSwansonsChair · 29/05/2021 11:44

I completely agree with you OP.

Unemployed through no fault of your own - Ok
Living with a parent when single - ok
Never having had a real job by mid 30's & living at home with a parent - absolute no no from me.
It just stinks of no ambition to grow up and be an adult!
However, not sure what you can do if your sister likes him? Maybe don't say anything and it might peter out.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 29/05/2021 11:47

His mother has tried to get him to do stuff. He was supposed to do a course and asked my sister if he could just sit in her house during the day while he pretended he was on it.

That would be seriously off putting for me. How could you still fancy someone who wouldn't even do a course but also didn't even have the balls to be honest with their mum about it?

Where does he get his income? There must be some stated reason why he doesn't work or is able to manage without a wage. I would be concerned that he'll drain money away that would otherwise be spent on your niece.

Flowers500 · 29/05/2021 11:48

That’s really sad, I’d be more worried about the fact that it’s clearly a symptom of her self esteem and self worth, so even when this ends she might fall for this crap again

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 29/05/2021 11:48

@Miikesnow

I'm pretty sure if he moves in he'll loaf about. The reason I'm asking this question is that his mother has met a man and although she's probably wanted him out for a while, this meeting a new man has made her up the ante and she's really putting pressure on him to move out. Not that I blame her for wanting her 3O - something son to move out, of course.

So he's actively looking for a new place to live - ie your sister's lovely home that she's worked so hard for.

Urgh.

I think you're totally on the money OP but there's nothing you can do really, is there? Except maybe have a few convos about how they'll split money/rent and stuff. Seed the conversations that she's maybe not having...

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 11:49

I got to be honest, it would bother me if a man still lived at home at 35 but I could get why other women would not mind.
It would be a deal breaker for me but I fully appreciate that if they do move out they can and often do make good partners.
But the living at home and never worked=absolute deal breaker.

OP posts:

SympathyFatigue · 29/05/2021 11:55

Oh god. He pretended to be on a course.

newnortherner111 · 29/05/2021 11:55

I agree with your concern OP, especially about the never having worked. Though I am not sure there is much you can do if anything about this.

It could be worse, imagine if you were the sister of Carrie Symonds.

mam0918 · 29/05/2021 12:01

@Miikesnow

It's not just that he lives with his mum. It's that he's ALSO never had a job! I did make an absolute effort to be clear about this in opening post.

I havent had an 'official' paycheck CV level job since 16 I have in that time studied at 2 universities, been a single mam and been a carer for multiple people (disabled parent, end of life grandmother and a severally disabled friend) in that time while also qualifying at college as a carer.

Lots of people have called me a slacker and asked when I'll get a 'real' job because apparently unless you have an actual employer it doesnt 'count' (my brother is self employed and gets the same crap from people too about need a 'real' and 'secure' job) Its not your place to judge when you have no idea whats going on, theres far more important things in life that CV history.

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