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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Long-term unemployed, still at home man=awful partner. AIBU?

79 replies

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 10:18

Hi, my sister-30, extremely hard- working single mother, has started seeing a 35-year-old man who - apart from an odd summer job while at uni before he dropped out - has never really worked.
His mother moved down to our area when he was early twenties and in relationship with older woman. That ended and he followed his mom here.
Now I know people live at home longer these days but BOTH long term unemployment AND living at home at his age is a major, major red flag for me.
Now imo this man-nice though he is-is a waste of space as a partner. My sister thinks I'm wrong.
He may be mentally ill (in which case he needs help) or just plain lazy either way, not good.
It's up to her of course but nevertheless I don't think I'm wrong about this.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 12:02

He was going to pretend to be on a course but course never happened, nevertheless, he would've done with sister's compliance.

He was quite happy being in a loosely defined relationship with no label (whatever the heck that means) until mum started putting pressure on him to move out, too. Now it's a bit more serious.

I'm making myself angry now. This pisses me off so much but there's nothing I can do. Yeah, I am right, doesn't help, though.
Anyway, thanks for replies.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 29/05/2021 12:05

@Mabelface

My partner is unemployed and lives with his parents. He's 41. I have no plans for us to live together and we have a lovely relationship. It can work.

Out of work at the moment, never worked die to illness or never bothered to work due to laziness?

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 12:07

mam0918, sorry if I've upset you.
Look I thought it was clear that this isn't just about not having an official job.
It's about the fact he does nothing but sit about loafing - of course caring is a form of work.
He does nothing apart from strum his guitar and do vague hobbies all day.

OP posts:

TwoAndAnOnion · 29/05/2021 12:09

@Miikesnow

Well maybe he's got some kind of mental disability. Sad for him and hope he gets help. Don't want him anywhere near my sister, though. Maybe if he recovers from his illness and becomes independent well come back then.

What are you basing all this mental illness hypothecation on? It's really quite offensive with no bais, labeling someone.

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 12:14

I think he's just lazy to be truthful but I'm pre-empting the 'what if he's got a mental disability that stops him from working? ' question which I think would bound to come up.
Maybe he has, I don't know. If so, seek help and stop bothering my sister.
Lazy or genuinely mentally incapacitated in some way, he's still useless as a partner.

OP posts:

Zebra13 · 29/05/2021 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 12:24

I'm concerned because he's a workshy user /too messed in head to work who needs a replacement mummy.
No offence but this is so obvious.
How 'happy' will she be when the rose-tinted glasses fall off - being besotted never lasts-and she's looking at a human jellyfish on her sofa after a hard day's work?
Or when the bills come in and she's the only one paying them?
Or he can't be relied on for, we'll, anything, really.

OP posts:

Mandsy100 · 29/05/2021 13:54

The problem here is your sister op. Her standards are very low and she is making a choice to be with him. I mean you can call him all sorts , but she is the one choosing him and bringing him into her dc life.

Snoozer11 · 29/05/2021 14:04

How do you know he's never had a job?

How do you know he's sponging off his mother?

Are you basing the fact you think he needs to be looked after by an older woman on the fact his ex was older?

You seem to know an awful lot about this man who isn't from your area and who is in the very early stages of dating your adult sister.

We all know people who gossip who seem to know everything about everyone and they always end up with egg on their face when the truth of the situation is revealed.

It's none of your business. You are too involved.

Voomster953 · 29/05/2021 14:47

@Mabelface

My partner is unemployed and lives with his parents. He's 41. I have no plans for us to live together and we have a lovely relationship. It can work.

LaBellina · 29/05/2021 14:49

Nope, doesn’t sound like a great catch to me!

Would be another story if he was one of those people that had been knocked down by life and was trying to rebuild everything up again from scratch after losing work and home but it seems this one had never the ‘ambition’ to be independent/self sufficient to begin with and that in itself would be a huge turn off for me.

Jimmynicholsbridie · 29/05/2021 14:51

Lazy or genuinely mentally incapacitated in some way, he's still useless as a partner.

You have absolutely no way of knowing that. Presumably you must think all SAHP, people with mental illness and disabled people are useless as a partner too? I genuinely feel sorry for people who mmeasure other peoples worth purely based on their financial/social status.
If you carry on with this level of judgement and your sister ends up in a LTR with this guy I can't see them wanting much to do with you.

Ps your "too messed up in the head" comment just makes you sound like an arse.

XenoBitch · 29/05/2021 15:03

@Jimmynicholsbridie

Lazy or genuinely mentally incapacitated in some way, he's still useless as a partner.

Ps your "too messed up in the head" comment just makes you sound like an arse.

This.

This thread is terrible. I am unable to work due to poor mental health. According to MN, I should be single forever. I have a lot to offer in a relationship that is not to do with money or social status.... but of course they are all that matter.
Honestly, this is sad.

milkytwilight · 29/05/2021 15:13

@Miikesnow

I'm concerned because he's a workshy user /too messed in head to work who needs a replacement mummy. No offence but this is so obvious. How 'happy' will she be when the rose-tinted glasses fall off - being besotted never lasts-and she's looking at a human jellyfish on her sofa after a hard day's work? Or when the bills come in and she's the only one paying them? Or he can't be relied on for, we'll, anything, really.

"To messed in the head to work." Wtf. Whatever you think of him is irrelevant, he might be a colossal waste of space and you're probably right, a lazy git. But that kind of language about people whose mental health means they can't work is absolutely disgusting. Because that's what you meant, mentally disabled and therefore can't work.

Flowers500 · 29/05/2021 15:30

I honestly don’t understand or recognise loads of these responses. It doesn’t matter if he makes her “happy” if he’s a waste of space financial drag that will harm her life. You have to have some basic standards that you expect from a partner before you even consider happiness...

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 16:35

For heaven's sake such OTT comments above.
This is a man who tried to get my sister to let him hide in her flat and LIE to his own mother about being on a course.

Yet he is still potentially a good partner. I mean wtf? Not to mention the sudden seriousness of this relationship now he needs somewhere to live!

The guy's obviously either too messed in the head to be involved with OR just plain lazy.

Lying to his own mother like that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Miikesnow · 29/05/2021 16:39

They've been 'fwb's for a while. THAT'S why I know so much about him in yeah she's my sister, too which is why I know so much about the loser.

OP posts:

RizzleRazzle · 29/05/2021 16:54

@Miikesnow

For heaven's sake such OTT comments above. This is a man who tried to get my sister to let him hide in her flat and LIE to his own mother about being on a course.

Yet he is still potentially a good partner. I mean wtf? Not to mention the sudden seriousness of this relationship now he needs somewhere to live!

The guy's obviously either too messed in the head to be involved with OR just plain lazy.

Lying to his own mother like that.

Please stop saying stuff like "too messed in the head to be involved with" or that being "messed in the head" = terrible partner. It's really offensive.

Being a lying, lazy sponging waste of space makes him a bad partner but having mental health problems do not. My DP is long term unemployed due to mental health issues, he recieves PIP and declared unfit for work by DWP and he's a great partner and fantastic dad.

QioiioiioQ · 29/05/2021 17:02

@Miikesnow

They've been 'fwb's for a while. THAT'S why I know so much about him in yeah she's my sister, too which is why I know so much about the loser.

surely she'll see sense and boot him out when reality breaks through her floaty pink haze?

jb7445 · 29/05/2021 17:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheLastLotus · 29/05/2021 17:18

OP while technically it isn't your problem - if you're close enough to your sister that you'll have to deal with the mess of any fallout, you 100% have the right to advise her.

Living at home etc can be explainaed away but nothing justifies LYING.

At least advise your sister to take the proper precautions so that she can evict him if necessary. If he pays rent for example he might get the rights of a tenant even without a proper contract. Take all legal and financial precautions.

She has a child - and that comes before everything. I believe in adults doing their own things but if a child is involved I will absolutely poke my nose in . Deep. They are innocent and don't deserve this rubbish

Missillusioned · 29/05/2021 17:20

Its incredibly difficult to claim job seekers allowance for any length of time.

He is either in receipt of disability benefits or his mother is giving him money. If he's living off his mother's money that's a real problem.

Castlepeak · 29/05/2021 17:24

A decent work ethic is a must-have in a potential partner. That is distinctly different than being a high earner.

Without a work-ethic she is setting herself up to support this man financially and probably with her time and domestic labor. He will be actively stealing those resources from her child and she will be facilitating the transaction.

LemonSherbetFancies · 29/05/2021 17:38

Living at home, not an issue. As long as they pull their weight and don't expect to be waited on. Long term unemployment, depends what the reasons were.
Rarely is anything black and white.

LunaRabbit · 29/05/2021 17:47

He sounds like he'll be a burden to your sister, unless he already has a plan to improve himself and has set himself on that path. You have to think about your sister's child since you mentioned she's a single mother, your niece or nephew. Your sister might be an adult "capable of deciding for herself" (not that I believe that rhetoric), but what about her child? Will they suffer from having their mother marry a seemingly directionless man and having to care for him?

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